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Praise For Lord Likely

"A journal so exciting, I fear I soiled myself no less than fourteen times."

THE DAILY NEWS SHEET

"Utterly wonderful. Upon reading Lord Likely's diaries, I went out and set fire to a homeless wretch to celebrate."

THE LONDON LOOKER

"I ejaculated so hard, my library had to be closed off for an entire week."

LORD FISHSTICK'S NEWSPAPER

"Everyone should buy a copy of these diaries, then have sex with them."

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"Hear ye, hear ye, Lord Likely is fucking ace!"

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  • The Crest of Lord Likely

    14 July 2014

    Fifteen And A Half Hilarious Victorian Jokes That Would Even Make Her Majesty Laugh

    ‘We are not amused’ is a famous, nay infamous, quote attributed to Her Majesty Queen Victoria. What elicited this retort has not been exactly recorded, but it was probably said after the Queen heard a particularly poor joke, I’d wager. I imagine that the hopeless gag-teller was subsequently hung, for Her Majesty did not suffer fools gladly. A useless comic could, quite literally, die on stage at the royal court.

    To avoid a similar fate yourself, here are some genuine Victorian japes and jokes for you to enjoy, sourced from some of the finest mirth-masters of the age, with which you can become quite the jester for any royalty you may meet in your day-to-day routine. Should you hail from the lower orders, then you can use them to have them rolling in the aisles at your next dinner party, wedding or court hearing. Let the chuckles commence!

    1. What is the difference between Joan of Arc and a canoe? One is Maid of Orleans, the other is made of wood!

    2. Some one crossing a bridge asked Theodore Hook who built the bridge. He replied: “I cannot tell, but if you go over you’ll be tolled!”

    3. A man said that port taken in large quantities made him fat. His friend answered : “I once saw it make you lean – against a lamp-post!”

    4. “See here, wait, I’ve found a button in my salad.” “That’s all right, sir, it’s part of the dressing!”

    5. Who is the greatest chicken-killer in Shakespeare? Macbeth, because he did murder most foul!

    6. If all the seas were dried up, what would Neptune say? I really haven’t got a notion!

    7. Why is the devil riding a mouse like one and the same thing? Because it is synonymous!

    8. What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing omnibuses!

    9. Why is a married man like fire? Because he provokes his wife by going out at night!

    10. “Mary,” said the mistress sternly, “never let me catch you kissing the policeman again.”
    “Lor, mum, I hope not!” replied Mary, “But you do bob up so!”

    11. What is the difference between a tube and a foolish Dutchman? One is a hollow cylinder and the other a silly Hollander!

    12. Why do we generally dub a city ‘her’ or ‘she’?
    Because about a city there is so much bustle and because she has outskirts.

    13. Mistress: Why, Mary, this figure of Venus is covered with dust.”
    Maid: “Yes’m.”
    Mistress: “Didn’t I tell you to brush it off?”
    Maid: “Yes’m.”
    Mistress: “And why didn’t you?”
    Maid (Blushingly): “Because, mem, I thought it needed something on it.”

    14. Why is a woman like the telegraph?
    Because she is always in advance of the mail intelligence.

    15. Why is an aristocratic seminary for young ladies like a flower garden?
    Because it is as place of haughty culture.

    And a Half: Why is the Queen like a hat?

    The reason why the last joke in only half finished is because I should like YOU, my fair readers, to complete the quip! Give me your best punchlines and I shall have the funniest/weirdest/most arousing drawn up as a terribly mirthful, scurrilous and quite possibly treasonous cartoon and presented to the winner as a SPECIAL PRIZE!

    So put on your thinking caps and your pondering trousers, and let me see your punchiest punchlines! Submit them either in the comment box below, or send them via electronic mail to hislordship@lordlikely.com. Alternatively, you can also reach me ‘pon the Twittering Device or at the Book of Many Faces.

    The closing date shall be the First of August. Good luck, and may the wittiest wit win!

    - Lord Likely.

    Jokes sources: Everybody’s Book of Jokes’, Saxon & Co, 1889.

    Victorian London: Random Joke Generator by Mr. Lee Jackson.

    Morticom Authentic 19th Century Jokes.

    Posted in Random Insertions | 21 Remarkable Remarks »

    11 July 2014

    Ten Victorian Insults To Make Your Enemies Crumble

    His Lordship shares ten Victorian vulgarities with which to strike down your worst enemy.

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | No Remarkable Remarks »

    25 November 2013

    An Astonishing and Arousing Announcement

    ‘Tis the most important literary event since Mr. William Shakespeare bought his first quill.  Further updates to follow, ladies and gentle-men! In the meantime, please do spread the word – LORD LIKELY IS COMING! – Lord Likely.

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | 1 Remarkable Remark »

    11 September 2013

    Taking the Pith

    Lord Likely gives a thorough review of issue two of ‘Professor Elemental Comics’.

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | 1 Remarkable Remark »

    29 June 2013

    Gladstonebury

      Now THIS is what you call a festival.   – Lord Likely. 

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | No Remarkable Remarks »

    08 March 2013

    Lord Save the Queen

    Lord Likely reveals details of his all-new adventure – coming soon!

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | No Remarkable Remarks »

    13 February 2013

    In Which His Lordship Gives You His Heart

    AND they say that romance is dead. TSK. Happy Valentine’s Day to all you lovers out there! – Lord Likely. 

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | 2 Remarkable Remarks »

    31 October 2012

    Lord Likely’s Halloween Horror: Last Orders

    Lord Likely presents a spine-chilling tale for Hallowe’en…

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Adventures Thus Far, Random Insertions | No Remarkable Remarks »

    11 July 2012

    Louis Pasteur: Kraken Slayer

    Mr Louis Paster battles a fearsome KRAKEN.

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | 6 Remarkable Remarks »

    26 May 2012

    Upper Class Twitter

    Lord Likely celebrates four-and-a-half years of his use of the Twitter Device.

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | 2 Remarkable Remarks »

    06 May 2012

    Telegram Sex

    Lord Likely tries a new form of long-distance love-making.

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | 5 Remarkable Remarks »

    02 May 2012

    Look Likely

    His lordship dispenses invaluable fitness advice.

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | No Remarkable Remarks »

    04 April 2012

    Why being so fabulously wealthy and impossibly handsome is such a terrible burden, by Lord Likely

    Lord Likely ponders the challenges he faces in being so incredibly wealthy and good looking.

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | 1 Remarkable Remark »

    27 February 2012

    Lord Likely’s Top Fives

    As his Wooden Jubilee continues, Lord Likely shares his Top Fives…

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | No Remarkable Remarks »

    25 February 2012

    Lord Likely’s Wooden Jubilee

    It’s Lord Likely’s Fifth Anniversary – or his ‘Wooden Jubilee’, if you will.

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | 6 Remarkable Remarks »

    01 February 2012

    How To Hold One’s Implement

    Click to embiggen. ONE OF the reasons for the sheer QUALITY of the prose in my astonishing adventures is that I, being a well-bred, well-educated sort of a chap, have learnt how to hold my pen correctly. Some people – especially commoners – seem mystified by the correct usage of this writing implement, and clutch [...]

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | 9 Remarkable Remarks »

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    About His Lordship

    Lord Likely was a renowned member of the English aristocracy in the Victorian era. Tales of his exhilarating, enthralling and highly erotic exploits were legendary, but only now have his own, personal diaries resurfaced (found in a branch of Help the Aged in Swindon), shedding light on the life of this extraordinary eccentric.

    Warning: these journals contain material that some people may find terribly offensive, or incredibly arousing

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