Likely's Whore-Box

Praise For Lord Likely

"A journal so exciting, I fear I soiled myself no less than fourteen times."

THE DAILY NEWS SHEET

"Utterly wonderful. Upon reading Lord Likely's diaries, I went out and set fire to a homeless wretch to celebrate."

THE LONDON LOOKER

"I ejaculated so hard, my library had to be closed off for an entire week."

LORD FISHSTICK'S NEWSPAPER

"Everyone should buy a copy of these diaries, then have sex with them."

THE ILLUSTRATED JOURNAL OF NEWS

"Hear ye, hear ye, Lord Likely is fucking ace!"

THE TOWN CRIER

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  • The Crest of Lord Likely

    25 February 2017

    A Decade of Decadence

    likely10sml2

    TIME flies when you are having fun, so the old saying goes – and it is true. Take, for example, the occasion when a particularly amorous lady and I found ourselves so engrossed in a bout of lustful, energetic intercourse that neither of us noticed my posterior ramming into the bed-side cabinet with such vigour that it sent an alarm clock soaring through the air and out of the window. Time did indeed fly that day, and we would have both been quite unaware of this had the clock not chosen to fly into the face of a passing matron. Suffice to say, I was not invited back to that hospital again, and the nurse with which I was entwined was suspended from her duties. Ah, precious memories! 

    And to think, it has now been a decade since I took quill to hand and began sharing such memories with you, my adoring general public. Since that fateful day, the course of literature would be changed forever more; Mr. Charles Dickens ceased work on his novel Edwin Drood fearing (quite rightly) that it would not measure up to my astonishing adventures, revealing himself as the half-witted charlatan he truly was, while elsewhere Sir. Arthur Conan Doyle killed off his most famous creation, Sherlock Holmes, after having to accede that the so-called ‘Great Detective’ was nothing more than a cheap, less dashing facsimile of my glorious self, and his adventures mere parodies of my own extraordinary exploits. Ten years on, and hardly anyone remembers this ‘Sherlock Holmes’ character, while Lord Likely remains on the lips of every man and woman throughout the land. Sometimes, quite literally.

    Thus, my Astonishing Adventures have easily secured their place in the pantheon of literary greats, alongside Chaucer, Shakespeare and whoever it is who pens the delightful strip-cartoon about the comical drunken vagabond which graces the pages of the London Illustrated News-Sheet. And this success, this astounding legacy is all thanks to you, my loyal readers. Well, more accurately it is clearly thanks to me, for I have done all the hard work in having said adventures and then chronicling them, after all. I do not believe that a single one of you has offered to help me out in transcribing my tales, or deigned to come along and empty my bins while I lock myself away and craft, craft, craft. Not a jot of it. Lazy, that is your trouble. Sheer bloody laziness.

    Where was I? Oh yes, thanking you, the reader. Thank you, dear reader!

    While literary immortality is already ensured for me, I do not intend to stop there and rest upon my laurels. For one thing, I do not wish to crumple my laurels. Have you ever had crumpled laurels? A terrible thing it is, for a man to have crumpled laurels. Thus, while we stop to reflect on a damnably thrilling decade already passed, we must also find ourselves moist and throbbing with anticipation at the future that lies ahead – and what a future it is! There shall be revelries abound for sure, but perhaps the most exciting of all shall be the publication of my brand-new adventure – The Bellending Club. If you thought that the adventures I have shared so far were sphincter-loosening in their astonishment, then…well, you would be quite correct. That is the correct observation. But the adventures to come shall literally blast your colons inside-out with astonishment. LITERALLY, so brace yourselves, and your trousers.

    So! Let us celebrate that which I have done then, but also that which I have yet to do but will do, and then we shall celebrate that which will have been done alongside that which I had already previously done. There shall be a lot of celebrating, simply put.

    In summary: HUZZAH FOR ME!

    Toodle-pip!

    Lord Likely.

    Keep in touch with his lordship for further news about his tenth anniversary celebrations – including the forthcoming release of his new tome – by following him on the Book of Faces, or via the Twittering Device. One might also sign up for his noble newsletter, to be kept fully abreast of his doings, and for the chance to win prizes and obtain FREE things.

     

    Posted in Random Insertions | No Remarkable Remarks »

    24 May 2016

    In Which His Lordship Is Uncovered

    This magnificent, undergarment-dampening image is the cover for my forthcoming electronic book, ‘The Bellending Club’, finally due to be issued forth NEXT MONTH (i.e in June). It has been an admittedly long road to this very point, with ideas scrapped, titles changed, and so much whisky consumed that I lost three months to a drunken […]

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | No Remarkable Remarks »

    16 October 2015

    Lord Likely Is A Card

    Lord Likely offers readers a chance to win some card games. What a fellow.

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | 6 Remarkable Remarks »

    29 May 2015

    How To Write A Book That Is Not Simply Irredeemable Arse-Paper

    Lord Likely, in his infinite wisdom, offers some advice for the would-be writer.

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | 1 Remarkable Remark »

    05 March 2015

    The Great Bidding War of 1882

    Lord Likely takes us on a history lesson, with the tale of The Great Bidding War of 1882.

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | No Remarkable Remarks »

    13 February 2015

    Lord Likely Is Coming

    Another tease for his lordship’s forthcoming electronic book…

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | 2 Remarkable Remarks »

    20 November 2014

    In Which I Outsmart Mr. Sherlock Holmes

    Lord Likely dupes the ‘Great Detective’.

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | No Remarkable Remarks »

    12 September 2014

    Extra! Extra!

    Lord Likely announces the launch of his Magnificent Mailing List!

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | 1 Remarkable Remark »

    10 September 2014

    Duck Me

    Lord Likely unearths a forgotten oddity from his publishing past.

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | No Remarkable Remarks »

    07 September 2014

    A Study in Strumpets and a Curious Conspiracy

    Lord Likely announces the imminent publication of his first electronic book – but is there a conspiracy to stop him?

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | 1 Remarkable Remark »

    14 July 2014

    Fifteen And A Half Hilarious Victorian Jokes That Would Even Make Her Majesty Laugh

    Lord Likely present fifteen and a half genuine Victorian rib-ticklers for your amusement. You are welcome, world.

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | 45 Remarkable Remarks »

    11 July 2014

    Ten Victorian Insults To Make Your Enemies Crumble

    His Lordship shares ten Victorian vulgarities with which to strike down your worst enemy.

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | No Remarkable Remarks »

    25 November 2013

    An Astonishing and Arousing Announcement

    ‘Tis the most important literary event since Mr. William Shakespeare bought his first quill.  Further updates to follow, ladies and gentle-men! In the meantime, please do spread the word – LORD LIKELY IS COMING! – Lord Likely.

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | 1 Remarkable Remark »

    11 September 2013

    Taking the Pith

    Lord Likely gives a thorough review of issue two of ‘Professor Elemental Comics’.

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | 1 Remarkable Remark »

    29 June 2013

    Gladstonebury

      Now THIS is what you call a festival.   – Lord Likely. 

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | No Remarkable Remarks »

    08 March 2013

    Lord Save the Queen

    Lord Likely reveals details of his all-new adventure – coming soon!

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | No Remarkable Remarks »

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    About His Lordship

    Lord Likely was a renowned member of the English aristocracy in the Victorian era. Tales of his exhilarating, enthralling and highly erotic exploits were legendary, but only now have his own, personal diaries resurfaced (found in a branch of Help the Aged in Swindon), shedding light on the life of this extraordinary eccentric.

    Warning: these journals contain material that some people may find terribly offensive, or incredibly arousing

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