25 February 2017
TIME flies when you are having fun, so the old saying goes – and it is true. Take, for example, the occasion when a particularly amorous lady and I found ourselves so engrossed in a bout of lustful, energetic intercourse that neither of us noticed my posterior ramming into the bed-side cabinet with such vigour that it sent an alarm clock soaring through the air and out of the window. Time did indeed fly that day, and we would have both been quite unaware of this had the clock not chosen to fly into the face of a passing matron. Suffice to say, I was not invited back to that hospital again, and the nurse with which I was entwined was suspended from her duties. Ah, precious memories!
And to think, it has now been a decade since I took quill to hand and began sharing such memories with you, my adoring general public. Since that fateful day, the course of literature would be changed forever more; Mr. Charles Dickens ceased work on his novel Edwin Drood fearing (quite rightly) that it would not measure up to my astonishing adventures, revealing himself as the half-witted charlatan he truly was, while elsewhere Sir. Arthur Conan Doyle killed off his most famous creation, Sherlock Holmes, after having to accede that the so-called ‘Great Detective’ was nothing more than a cheap, less dashing facsimile of my glorious self, and his adventures mere parodies of my own extraordinary exploits. Ten years on, and hardly anyone remembers this ‘Sherlock Holmes’ character, while Lord Likely remains on the lips of every man and woman throughout the land. Sometimes, quite literally.
Thus, my Astonishing Adventures have easily secured their place in the pantheon of literary greats, alongside Chaucer, Shakespeare and whoever it is who pens the delightful strip-cartoon about the comical drunken vagabond which graces the pages of the London Illustrated News-Sheet. And this success, this astounding legacy is all thanks to you, my loyal readers. Well, more accurately it is clearly thanks to me, for I have done all the hard work in having said adventures and then chronicling them, after all. I do not believe that a single one of you has offered to help me out in transcribing my tales, or deigned to come along and empty my bins while I lock myself away and craft, craft, craft. Not a jot of it. Lazy, that is your trouble. Sheer bloody laziness.
Where was I? Oh yes, thanking you, the reader. Thank you, dear reader!
While literary immortality is already ensured for me, I do not intend to stop there and rest upon my laurels. For one thing, I do not wish to crumple my laurels. Have you ever had crumpled laurels? A terrible thing it is, for a man to have crumpled laurels. Thus, while we stop to reflect on a damnably thrilling decade already passed, we must also find ourselves moist and throbbing with anticipation at the future that lies ahead – and what a future it is! There shall be revelries abound for sure, but perhaps the most exciting of all shall be the publication of my brand-new adventure – The Bellending Club. If you thought that the adventures I have shared so far were sphincter-loosening in their astonishment, then…well, you would be quite correct. That is the correct observation. But the adventures to come shall literally blast your colons inside-out with astonishment. LITERALLY, so brace yourselves, and your trousers.
So! Let us celebrate that which I have done then, but also that which I have yet to do but will do, and then we shall celebrate that which will have been done alongside that which I had already previously done. There shall be a lot of celebrating, simply put.
In summary: HUZZAH FOR ME!
Keep in touch with his lordship for further news about his tenth anniversary celebrations – including the forthcoming release of his new tome – by following him on the Book of Faces, or via the Twittering Device. One might also sign up for his noble newsletter, to be kept fully abreast of his doings, and for the chance to win prizes and obtain FREE things.