Likely's Whore-Box


Praise For Lord Likely

"A journal so exciting, I fear I soiled myself no less than fourteen times."

THE DAILY NEWS SHEET

"Utterly wonderful. Upon reading Lord Likely's diaries, I went out and set fire to a homeless wretch to celebrate."

THE LONDON LOOKER

"I ejaculated so hard, my library had to be closed off for an entire week."

LORD FISHSTICK'S NEWSPAPER

"Everyone should buy a copy of these diaries, then have sex with them."

THE ILLUSTRATED JOURNAL OF NEWS

"Hear ye, hear ye, Lord Likely is fucking ace!"

THE TOWN CRIER

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  • The Crest of Lord Likely

    05 March 2015

    The Great Bidding War of 1882

    As a well-respected, much admir’d and hugely desired member of the English Aristocracy, I have been oft-interviewed by newspaper reporters and the like. It was during one such interview, conducted by an agreeable gent from The London Illustrated Picture-Print News, that I let slip that I had been keeping a diary, a diary which I had not only kept, but written in as well. Within its pages I had kept careful record of each and every one of my astonishing adventures, replete (in some instances) with saucy etchings. This incredible revelation was reprinted in the newspaper article itself, which in turn sparked a furious bidding war between the many publishing houses of Great Britain, all of whom wished to get their hands upon my journals and transform them into the Greatest Books Ever Printed.

    It began with three publishing houses: Poppycock Press, Chaffinch Books and Fibber&Fibber, all of whom put in terribly good offers for the rights to my desirable diaries. Then each tried to outbid the other, driving the price ever skyward.

    This was, of course, good news for me, but alas it was not so good for the publishers, each of whom now stood the chance of bleeding their companies dry in the pursuit of my excellence. Eventually, the heads of Poppycock Press and Fibber&Fibber, (Mr. Jasper Poppycock and Mr. Farnaby Fibber, respectively), held a secret meeting in a tavern, whereby they decided to join forces in a bid to spread the financial burden of acquiring my work, and to muscle Chaffinch Books out of the running.

    However, word got back to Mr. Gill Sans, the head of Chaffinch Books, who was, naturally, rather incensed about this clandestine deal. So incensed was he, that he hired an assassin to take out the two men involved. The assassin, who specialised in deeply ironic deaths, dispatched Mr. Fibber by stabbing him in the eye with a quill, the very quill Mr. Fibber had just used to sign a contract for the publication of an anthology  of true crime stories.

    The assassin never got the chance to eliminate Mr. Poppycock, however, for Scotland Yard caught up with him shortly thereafter, and found him in possession of a business-card from Mr. Sans, along with a signed proof of a forthcoming novel to be published by Chaffinch Books, and a lithograph of the two men together, toasting their deal.

    Needless to say, when word got out of Mr. Sans’ indiscretion, all ruddy hell broke out. Mr. Poppycock again joined forces with Fibber&Fibber, allying with the sole remaining Fibber, a Mr. Flaubert Fibber. They hired their own armed mercenaries to storm the offices of Chaffinch Books and to execute its president. However, Mr. Chaffinch had got wind of their scheme, and sent his own armed mercenaries out to take care of Messers. Poppycock and Fibber.

    What actually transpired was that fighting broke out across the heart of London’s literary scene in Paternoster Row, when the two forces collided. Bloody, violent clashes took place, with soldiers falling left, right and centre. Overseeing the carnage from their plush offices, the heads of the respective forces began sending in reinforcements made up of their own employees, office workers poorly equipped to deal with life on the battlefields.

    The Great Bidding War, as it was later dubbed, lasted for three long days, during which some two hundred and seventy mercenaries lost their lives, along with thirty-two proof-readers, sixteen editors, five cover designers and one publisher (Mr. Poppycock perished leading his forces into battle on horseback on the second day). Many trendy coffee bars were destroyed in the carnage, along with a couple of ale houses and a milliner’s shop.

    Mr. Sans was eventually captured by a small team of soldiers and a shirtless Mr. Flaubert Fibber, who decided to finally get rid of his business rival by hurling him into his own printing presses. “Well, he had always wanted to be in books,” Mr. Fibber is rumoured to have quipped at the time, possibly while lighting a cigar.

    The worst thing about  this whole, sorry affair is that the devastation left in the wake of The Great Bidding War was so huge, the publishing houses involved all fell into bankruptcy trying to pay for it all, so I never did get my publishing deal. Tsk! War, eh? What is it good for? Absolutely bloody nothing.

    - Lord Likely.

     Lord Likely’s First Electronic Book Shall See Publication Very Soon. 

    Posted in Random Insertions | No Remarkable Remarks »

    13 February 2015

    Lord Likely Is Coming

    Another tease for his lordship’s forthcoming electronic book…

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | 1 Remarkable Remark »

    20 November 2014

    In Which I Outsmart Mr. Sherlock Holmes

    Lord Likely dupes the ‘Great Detective’.

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | No Remarkable Remarks »

    12 September 2014

    Extra! Extra!

    Lord Likely announces the launch of his Magnificent Mailing List!

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | 1 Remarkable Remark »

    10 September 2014

    Duck Me

    Lord Likely unearths a forgotten oddity from his publishing past.

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | No Remarkable Remarks »

    07 September 2014

    A Study in Strumpets and a Curious Conspiracy

    Lord Likely announces the imminent publication of his first electronic book – but is there a conspiracy to stop him?

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | 1 Remarkable Remark »

    14 July 2014

    Fifteen And A Half Hilarious Victorian Jokes That Would Even Make Her Majesty Laugh

    Lord Likely present fifteen and a half genuine Victorian rib-ticklers for your amusement. You are welcome, world.

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | 45 Remarkable Remarks »

    11 July 2014

    Ten Victorian Insults To Make Your Enemies Crumble

    His Lordship shares ten Victorian vulgarities with which to strike down your worst enemy.

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | No Remarkable Remarks »

    25 November 2013

    An Astonishing and Arousing Announcement

    ‘Tis the most important literary event since Mr. William Shakespeare bought his first quill.  Further updates to follow, ladies and gentle-men! In the meantime, please do spread the word – LORD LIKELY IS COMING! – Lord Likely.

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | 1 Remarkable Remark »

    11 September 2013

    Taking the Pith

    Lord Likely gives a thorough review of issue two of ‘Professor Elemental Comics’.

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | 1 Remarkable Remark »

    29 June 2013

    Gladstonebury

      Now THIS is what you call a festival.   – Lord Likely. 

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | No Remarkable Remarks »

    08 March 2013

    Lord Save the Queen

    Lord Likely reveals details of his all-new adventure – coming soon!

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | No Remarkable Remarks »

    13 February 2013

    In Which His Lordship Gives You His Heart

    AND they say that romance is dead. TSK. Happy Valentine’s Day to all you lovers out there! – Lord Likely. 

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | 2 Remarkable Remarks »

    31 October 2012

    Lord Likely’s Halloween Horror: Last Orders

    Lord Likely presents a spine-chilling tale for Hallowe’en…

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Adventures Thus Far, Random Insertions | No Remarkable Remarks »

    11 July 2012

    Louis Pasteur: Kraken Slayer

    Mr Louis Paster battles a fearsome KRAKEN.

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | 6 Remarkable Remarks »

    26 May 2012

    Upper Class Twitter

    Lord Likely celebrates four-and-a-half years of his use of the Twitter Device.

    Read on, dear readers...

    Posted in Random Insertions | 2 Remarkable Remarks »

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    About His Lordship

    Lord Likely was a renowned member of the English aristocracy in the Victorian era. Tales of his exhilarating, enthralling and highly erotic exploits were legendary, but only now have his own, personal diaries resurfaced (found in a branch of Help the Aged in Swindon), shedding light on the life of this extraordinary eccentric.

    Warning: these journals contain material that some people may find terribly offensive, or incredibly arousing

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