20 June 2007
A Letter From America
June 2nd, 1856
It was a rather uneventful morning on the Likely Estate, with Botter dutifully taking my inside-leg measurements for a new pair of trousers. As I prefer to be naked when getting measured, this was proving to be rather a difficult task for my struggling servant, as my extremely massive manhood kept getting in the way, thus ruining his careful measurements.
“My lord,” said Botter, trying to fight off my mighty organ, “I cannot accurately take your inside-leg measurements with your todger flapping about all over the place. Can you not keep it out of the way, or something?”
“Hmmm?” I said, rather absently, as I was perusing the morning’s edition of The London Daily Times. It was then that I chanced upon an article about Queen Victoria, which naturally led to my Lord Palmerston stiffening to attention, such is my lust for Her Majesty.
“Oh…never mind,” Botter replied, and continued on with his task.
Suddenly, the front door bell rang, heralding the arrival of the morning post.
“Ah-hah!” I exclaimed. “That will be the post-man, I should expect.”
“I’ll go and collect the mail, my lord,” Botter said.
“No, no! It is alright, Botter. You continue writing down my measurements, I shall go and collect the mail. I could use a little fresh air.”
I strolled off to the front-door, and flung it open. Surely enough, the post-man stood outside, clutching some letters.
“Good morning, your Lordship,” he began, and then, noticing my nudity, he became rather flustered and confused. “I…uh…letters…um….uh…oh…oh my…”
“Ah!” I cried, “I see you have taken note of my proud, purple-hatted lord. I should imagine you are probably feeling rather embarrassed and inadequate right now, which is perfectly natural when faced with an organ as splendid as mine. Do not fear it, my good man. You may even stroke it, if you wish. It will not bite, I assure you!”
The post-man hurriedly thrust the post into my hands, then fled at top-speed away from the house, screaming.
“That new post-man is most peculiar,” I said to Botter as I re-entered the living room. “Remind to me to ask the post-master if we can have our old post-man back. He was never one to shy away from my penis.”
I resumed my position at the window, and Botter returned to his duties taking my measurements. Meanwhile, I began to flick through the assortment of letters I had received.
“Hmmm….an invitation to another party, I see. And another. Another invite. Another. Yet another…you know, Botter, sometimes it can be quite draining to be as ludicrously popular as I am. There simply is not enough hours in the day to attend all these parties.”
“It must be a terrible burden, my lord,” Botter said.
“It is a curse I must live with, I fear. What-ho! This letter seems to have come all the way from the United States of America! I suppose it was only a matter of time before tales of my excellence reached across the pond.”
I tore open the envelope, and began reading the contents.
“Holy bollocks!” I shouted, as I read this latest missive.
“What is it, milord?” Botter asked.
“I do not cocking well believe it!” I yelled, spinning round to re-read the letter in a better light, resulting in Botter receiving a rather nasty facial injury as my mighty manhood clipped him as I turned.
“This letter,” I explained, spinning back round to face Botter, ignoring his cries of pain as my penis caught his terrible face once more. “This letter is from…ANOTHER LIKELY!”
There was a hushed silence, as Botter was out cold on the floor.
“Botter,” I said. “Stop being unconscious at once, and go ready the horses. We are going to…AMERICA!”
A new adventure was only just beginning…
- Lord Likely.