16 August 2007
“There you go, my dear,” I said, rolling off of Captain Labia NoBeard, after I had issued forth within her.
“Thank you, your lordship,” panted Labia, beads of sweat glistening on her chest. “Many thanks indeed.”
“Oh no, thank you,” I replied, lighting up two cigarettes. “It was very decent of you to let this condemned man have a last…meal, as it were.”
“Well, I could not deny you your reasonable request,” smiled Labia, taking one of the cigarettes from me, and drawing upon it slowly. “It only seems a pity that I have to force you to a watery death on the morrow. “
“Well, you are only doing your duty as a pirate, my dear. Really, there are no hard feelings,” I said, casually.
“What a man you are, your lordship,” Labia sighed, exhaling a plume of smoke into the air. “I doubt I shall find another quite able to measure up to you.”
“Talking of which,” I exclaimed, stubbing out my cigarette in a nearby ashtray. “I feel my Lord Palmerston is ready to go again. Shall we?”
“Rather!” Labia chirped, excitedly.
“Then it’s time for you to walk MY plank, my dear!” I cried out, as Labia mounted me once more.
“I was referring to the sex-act.”
I was up bright and early the next morning, ready to divulge my cure for the terrible crabs that had befallen the crew of the Hairy Clam. I gave Botter his instructions for the day, and then adjourned to the deck of the ship.
“By Shakespeare’s shaven scrotum!” I exclaimed, as I laid eyes upon the female crew, all huddled together on the deck, wearing nothing more than their nighties. “I feel as if I have died and gone to heaven!”
Labia NoBeard broke free of the mass, and strode towards me.
“That was…quite a night, your lordship,” she purred. “You are without doubt one of the finest lovers I have ever laid with.”
I smiled, but then her face darkened.
“However, if you try and cross me today, I will not hesitate to sever your prized organ from your body, and feed it to the sharks.”
“At least they shall be well fed,” I joked, slightly nervously. “Now, are we all ready?”
The crew mumbled in the affirmative.
“Marvelous! Now, as you can see, my man-servant Botter has taken the liberty of preparing one of the lifeboats for you. You shall all board that craft, and row out about thirty feet away from the Clam. There, you shall get out of the lifeboat, and into the sea.”
“But it’ll be freezing in there!” Moaned one of the ladies.
“I am quite counting on that,” I explained. “Fresh, icy-cold, salt water is just the tonic for what ails you, my dears. Fifteen minutes in the ocean and you shall find that your unwanted guests will simply…disappear.”
The crew grumbled and groaned, but under orders from their captain, they grudgingly boarded the lifeboat. Labia entered last, and turned to me, pistol in hand.
“I am taking this with me,” she said, coolly. “If I suspect you of foul play, I shall not hesitate to put a bullet in your head.”
“To which head are you referring?” I asked.
Labia snorted, and climbed in after her crew. I gave the signal to Botter, who gently lowered the craft down to the sea below. It landed softly, and then we watched as the crew quickly rowed out and away from the Hairy Clam. Once they were roughly thirty feet away, they stopped, and one by one the ladies dropped into the ice-cold waters.
“Look at that, Botter,” I remarked, leaning on the side of the Clam. “Have you ever seen such a spectacular sight?”
The sight was, indeed, spectacular, as the ladies’ wet garments afforded us a tantalising glimpse of the breasts underneath, the nipples of which were as hard as bullets. It was like a vision from some kind of wonderful dream.
“Well, we can’t stand here admiring the view, as much as we’d like to,” I said, trying to draw my eyes way from the bobbing bosoms in the sea. “We have work to do! Are you ready, Botter?”
“Aye aye, cap’n!” Botter cried cheerfully, saluting sharply.
“Stop that,” I snapped. “You ridiculous twat.”
Botter apologised, and dashed off to perform his assigned task. Moments later, the sound of chains whirring into motion confirmed his completion of said task; to whit, the anchor was being drawn up. I, meanwhile, took to the wheel of the ship, and spun it to the right. Botter soon joined me at my side.
“Is the fire properly stoked, Botter?” I asked.
“Aye aye…um, that is to say, yes, milord.”
“Good. We won’t have long before those lady pirates get wind of our-”
There was a loud crack, and a bullet embedded itself in some wood behind me.
“Confound and bugger it! We have even less time than I bargained for. Quickly, let us away!”
I fought with the wheel, and the ship groaned and turned in accordance. The sails filled with wind, and we began to move.
“Here, take the wheel, Botter,” I said. “Just keep her steady, and for Christ’s sake avoid any icebergs. I am going to check on the progress of our pursuers.”
Botter nodded, and I dashed off to the port side of the Clam. No sooner had I popped my head over the top, then another bullet whistled past it. I ducked down, and peered cautiously over the side.
“YOU BASTARD, LIKELY!” Labia yelled, waving her pistol, as her crew struggled back into their tiny vessel. “I WILL GET YOU FOR THIS, YOU FOPPISH LITTLE SHIT!”
“THANK YOU FOR A WONDERFUL TIME,” I shouted back. “UNFORTUNATELY, I AM RATHER ALLERGIC TO DEATH, SO MUST BID YOU ALL A FOND FAREWELL. YOU WILL FIND PLENTY OF PROVISIONS ON THAT LIFEBOAT, INCLUDING AN ILLUSTRATED COPY OF THE KARMA-SUTRA, SHOULD YOU MISS ME.”
Another shot was fired, coming perilously close to my beautiful head. I retreated back to the wheel.
“They didn’t sound pleased,” Botter noted. “Are you sure they can’t catch us, milord?”
“Oh, quite sure. The wind is in our favour, Botter, hence why I asked that they disembark on the opposite side of the ship. We shall be clear of them in mere minutes, with our pace picking up as it is.”
As is often the case, I was quite right, and soon I watched as the former crew became tiny specks in the distance, growing ever-smaller in our wake. I allowed myself a small smile of satisfaction.
I, Lord Likely, was in complete control of the Hairy Clam.
- Lord Likely.