20 October 2007
Death of a Likely
Lance, Ludlow and I made after the criminal and corrupt captain, Huw Anchor, who seemed to be rather more sprightly than a man who had just been shot in the arm had any right to be.
As we gave chase, I noticed that the weather was worsening, with thick, dark clouds forming above us, accompanied by the distant low, rumbling sounds of an approaching thunderstorm.
“Hmm,” I said aloud. “How very dramatic.”
We reached Mount Penis, which really had no business calling itself a mount, as it was only about eighty-foot high, but the ‘Penis’ part of it’s name was certainly apropos, as it did resemble a penis, albeit a slightly wonky and unimpressive penis at that.
Anchor was scaling the mount with surprising efficiency, although why he had chosen to scale it at all was beyond me. What did he propose to do when he got up there? Fly? The man was quite clearly either highly theatrical, or insane. Or both.
We climbed up after him, Lance and myself making good progress while Ludlow found the whole exercise rather troublesome, and hugged the rock so closely at times that I thought he might be trying to hump it. Lance slowed up to help Ludlow better negotiate the column, while I climbed onwards until I reached a small ledge half-way up the mountain, where I stopped to take a few swigs from my hip-flask.
“Ah, there you are gentle-men,” I said as my two brothers finally made it to the mid point. “I was beginning to think I was on my own.”
“Sorry, Lordy,” Ludlow wheezed, his face so pale that I could well believe I was talking to a ghoul. “I’m not so good with heights, I’m afraid.”
“Well, you have done yourself proud,” I smiled. “You have not only confronted your fear, but you have also kicked your fear square in the balls, and tweaked the bounder’s nose. That is most admirable, and the sign of a true Likely!”
Ludlow smiled back, while Lance looked at me, expectantly.
“And….and you have done good also, Lance. Good boy, good boy,” I said, patting him on the head. Lance grinned. “Now, are we ready to continue? We only have a few more feet to go!”
“I…I think so,” Ludlow stammered, looking up at the rest of the mount. He squinted up at the peak, then his eyes widened in horror.
Then, lots of things happened at once.
Ludlow mouthed an obscenity, and leapt at me, pushing me to the ground. I was about to roundly chastise the man, as he had spilt some of my precious liquor, but before I could a shot rang out, and Ludlow spun round, clutching his chest. I looked up and saw the shadowy figure of Captain Anchor at the top of the rock, who was momentarily silhouetted against a sky lit up by a sudden flash of lightning. The bastard was laughing, until another shot rang out and he fell back. I looked back down and saw Lance clutching a smoking pistol, fury etched across his face. Ludlow, meanwhile, was lying on the ledge, motionless. I rushed to his side.
“Ludlow!” I barked, lifting up my brother’s head and resting it on my lap. “Ludlow!”
Ludlow’s eyes opened slowly, and he regarded me with a semi-conscious gaze.
“Am…am I hit badly?” he asked faintly. I looked down at his chest, which bore a small hole from which blood was streaming, turning his bright, white shirt a dull shade of red.
“Well, the cad has certainly made a mess of your shirt,” I said. “I daresay you shall not be able to wear it again.”
“I…I…I duh-don’t think I’m guh-gonna make it, Luh-Luh-Lordy,” Ludlow gasped.
“Nonsense man! You’re fine! Pull yourself together at once, dammit!” I snapped. “We shall have you patched up and partying again before you know it!”
“Yuh-you don’t have tuh-to lie, Luh-Lordy,” Ludlow smiled weakly. “Juh-just puh-puh-promise me wuh-wuh-one thing.“
“Stop being so melodramatic, Ludlow,” I said, unimpressed.
“Puh-puh-promise me that yuh-yuh-you won’t buh-buh-buh-bugger any more muh-muh-men,” Ludlow coughed. “And….and puh-puh-promise me you…you’ll guh-guh-get that cuh-cuh-cuh-cunt, Anchor,”
“That’s two things,” I replied.
“Puh-puh-promise?” Ludlow said, clutching my hand in his, and fixing me with a weak stare.
“Of course I promise,” I whispered. “Blood is thicker than water, and all that.”
“And…and suh-so is suh-semen,” Ludlow added, smiling softly, then his head rolled gently to the side.
“Come on, Ludlow!” I yelled, shaking Ludlow’s body. “Don’t you damned well die, you anus! Fight death! Give Death a kick in the plums! Punch Death square on his stupid, skeletal jaw! Come on, Ludlow, COME ON!”
“He…he’s gone,” Lance said, gently lifting me up from my brother’s side. “He ain’t got no fight left in him.”
And so my poor half-brother, Ludlow Likely, had expired. Thunder bellowed and lightning cracked the sky, as if Mother Nature herself was mourning the loss of a Likely, while Lance and I hung our heads in joint despair.
“Right!” I snapped, as I strode to the cliff-face of Mount Penis and prepared to ascend it once more. “I’m going after that cock-stick, Anchor!”
“I think I got him, brother,” Lance said. “I shot him real good.”
“Maybe,” I said, beginning my climb. “But I want to make sure Anchor is definitely, unmistakably dead. And if he isn’t…then he damned well will be.”
- Lord Likely