12 October 2007
Likely and Likelier
July, 1856
Now there were two Likelys at the campsite, my glorious self, of course, and my half-brother Lightnin’ Lance Likely. This meant that now there was twice the sexual charisma, and double the loveliness, so to prevent us from being ravished by the cock-hungry braves of the Red Rump tribe, we decided to conduct our business elsewhere, namely at the top of Cockshaft Canyon.
We followed a small path up to the top of the canyon, from where we had an excellent aerial view of the campsite, and where I could quite clearly see my man-servant Botter being dragged into a tent by three Indians, to be roughly buggered in return for shelter for the night. An entirely reasonable deal, I felt.
I lit a cigarette and turned to face my brother, who was sat on a large rock swigging noisily from his hip-flask.
“Here,” he said, thrusting the receptacle towards me. “Have some fire-water.”
“Fire-water?” I asked. I took the flask and cautiously took a sip. A familiar, warm glow filled my chest.
“Whisky!” I beamed, taking another, longer sip. “You’ve clearly inherited an appreciation for the finer things in life from our father.”
“S’about the only thing I got from that asswipe,” Lance replied gloomily, taking his hip-flask back. “He wasn’t much of a father figure in my life, y’know. He knocked up my ma, then shot off without so much as a how d’ya do. Then he reappears five years later, jus’ to get him some more action. Didn’t even stop to see how his son was. I mean…what a butt-pipe.”
“Now come along,” I snapped. “I cannot stand here and listen to you bad-mouthing our father. I shall not hear you belittle Lord Eustace Likely, one of the finest, bravest and frankly randiest men I have ever known. Your words make me feel quite nauseous, and if you persist I shall have no option but to violently insert my fist into your ruddy teeth!“
“Oh sure. I guess you would kiss his ass, seein’ as how you got the sweetest deal. You got to grow up with him. I spent more time in his fuckin’ nutsack then I ever did in his company. The man was a dick.”
“Right! I have had enough! Put your fists up, you scoundrel, and prepare to be battered!” I shouted, circling Lance with my own fists held aloft. Lance looked up at me, slowly, a wry smile etched across his lips.
“Gladly.” He said, then as quick as a flash he sprung from his seated position and was upon me, raining blows about my torso. I flailed wildy in return, caught off-guard by the rapidity of his attack, until I managed to lay a glorious left-hook to Lances’ face, sending him sprawling. I picked myself up, and dusted myself down, only to then find myself on the receiving end of a punch to the abdomen that knocked the air out of me. As I doubled-over, winded, Lance came at me again, swinging for my beautiful face. I dodged his first punch, but the second caught me squarely on the chin, causing me to stumble backwards, tripping over a rock as I did, resulting in me falling flat on my back. Lance smiled and came at me again, but this time I was ready, and I swept his feet from underneath him with my leg, bringing Lance crashing to the ground with a heavy thud.
We both laid on the ground in silence for a few minutes, exhausted.
“Thanks. I needed that.” Lance said eventually, lighting a rather sorry-looking cigar. “That was better than sex.”
“I suppose it would be if all your sexual conquests had four legs and a tail,” I replied.
“Hey! I like fuckin’ cattle! Is that really so wrong?” Lance wailed.
“In a word: yes,” I said. “In two words: Christ, yes!“
Lance chuckled, then sat up. “Sorry about that scuffle, back then. I have some issues to work out, I guess. Especially with our father. It’s jus’…I mean…I got jack-shit, an’ look at you! You got his money, his title, his estate and…” Lance paused, and gazed up at the stars mournfully. “An’ his love.”
Tears welled up in Lance’s eyes, causing me to feel quite uncomfortable. I never react well around such blatant shows of emotion, more so if it is a man with whom I am dealing. I know that I am supposed to say something, or do something, but I am never entirely sure what these things are supposed to be. Why couldn’t people be more like me, I wondered, and keep all their emotions bottled up and then unleash them through a violent thrashing upon one’s man-servant?
I hauled myself up on my elbows, and regarded the miserable form of my half-brother.
“Pull yourself together, man!” I snapped, jumping to my feet. “I did not come all this way, and risk having my anus perforated by queer Indians, just to watch you weeping like a ruddy child. I came here because I heard you were in trouble, and I wanted to help you. And why should I do that? Because, despite all your whining, you ARE a Likely, and we must stick together. Blood is thicker than water, Lance, and the Likely blood is thicker still, and ninety-five per cent proof, to boot. Together, we can achieve anything, and shag anyone. Now, are you going to sit there moping like a complete and utter useless twat-stick, or are you going to be a cocking man and sort this sorry mess out once and for all?”
Lance looked up at me through teary eyes. He wiped his face with the back of his sleeve, then smiled.
“You had me at, ‘anus’,” he grinned.
From there on in, Lance told me about the trouble he had found himself in. He freely admitted to the cattle-buggery, and a few bank raids, but he swore blind that he did not kill anyone, and that he had been framed for murder.
“Listen, one day, I’m hidin’ out in the woods near Jizzballsville, lyin’ low after pullin’ a job on the city’s bank, an’ one day I meet this crazy ol’ drunk guy, who swears he’s found a whole buncha gold in the mines nearby. I think this guy’s a kook, right, but I go check it anyway, and shit, I couldn’t believe it, the ol’ man was right. The mines were lined with gold, tonnes of the stuff, just lyin’ there, waiting. No-one else knows about it, right? So me an’ this ol’ fellah, we agree to work together to strip the mine of all this gold, and go fifty-fifty on it. It’s a good deal, right? But then one night, I’m at the ol’ man’s house an’ I hear a commotion outside. So, I go an’ check it out and there’s this bunch of men pushin’ the ol’ guy about, askin’ him where the gold is, and so on. The ol’ man ain’t talkin’, though – ‘cuz we had a deal, see – an’ this just pisses these guys off an’ one of them just shoots the poor ol’ guy dead. Bang. I figure they’ll come fer me next, so I scarper outta there, go back to the mine and load up mah horse with as much gold as the ol’ girl can carry, an’ I go into hidin’ again. Later on, I found out I’m wanted fer the murder of that poor, dead ol’ guy. I think them guys are tryin’ to weed me out, get a hold a’ me an’ my gold. But they ain’t gonna get it, right? Right?”
I held up a hand to Lance’s face, while putting the index finger of my other hand to my lips.
“Ssssh.” I hissed.
“What is it?” he whispered. I beckoned to him to follow me, then we crawled along to the edge of the canyon and looked down. There seemed to be nothing astray, save for a distant noise that sounded like thunder. Lance looked at me quizzically, but before he could ask me another asinine question I had placed my finger back on my lips.
The rumbling noise got louder and louder, until a group of dark-clothed men on horseback rode into the campsite, whooping and hollering and firing pistols into the air. I looked back to Lance, who’s face had become stricken with shock.
“I fear that these gentlemen may want to have a quiet word with you, Lance,” I whispered.
- Lord Likely.
