04 August 2007
Lord Likely and the Pirates
June, 1856
Before Botter and I could beat a hasty retreat from the vicinity of the pirate ship, some masked figures rushed to the side of the vessel and pointed pistols in our general direction. Escape, it seemed, would be impossible. Or, at least, extremely painful.
“I would say the game is up, Botter.” I said to my man-servant, as the figures lowered a smaller craft into the water near us, motioning violently for us to board. “Now, when we are aboard the ship, make sure not to bring attention to the fact that I am a ridiculously wealthy aristocrat and well-know and much-beloved lord. These are pirates we are dealing with, and if they knew my true identity they would not hesitate to strip me of my assets in a flash. And I do not want these bloodthirsty rogues anywhere near my assets, understand?”
“Gotcha, milord,” said Botter, as we slowly, grudgingly boarded the small boat. Once inside, we were quickly hoisted up onto the main ship, where we were roughly dragged aboard and flung onto the floor.
“Well, that is a fine how do you do, I am sure!” I cried indignantly, as I picked myself up off the floor, dusting off my top hat. “I cannot say I care much for the service on this ship! Suffice to say, I shall be lodging a formal complaint.”
One of the masked figures next to me lashed out with a whip, catching me on my left cheek (upper). My face burnt with pain.
“Hey! You can’t treat his lordship like that!” cried Botter, before realising his error and slapping his hand over his mouth. I rolled my eyes.
“Lordship, eh?” enquired another of the pirates, stepping out from the assembled crowd. This character was a tall, lean person, with blonde hair tied up in a pony-tail, their face also obscured by a mask.
“Um, no…I said…uh, ‘large ship’. No, wait, ‘loud shit’. Um…’lewd shrimp?’”, babbled Botter, desperately trying to dig himself out of his self-made hole. I sighed, and wished the hole was six-foot underground, and filled with his stinking, rotting corpse.
“Thank you, Botter,” I said, “I think you have said quite enough for now. In fact, I think you should seriously consider not speaking again EVER.”
“Shut up!” the blonde-haired pirate yelled, striding up to me, and pulling down the mask on their face. I gasped. Instead of the typical, bearded, filth-ridden scumbag I had expected to see, I was confronted with a not unattractive female face. Suddenly, fortune seemed to be smiling upon me once more.
“I am Captain Labia NoBeard,” she informed me. “And this is my ship, The Hairy Clam, and it’s crew,” she gestured to the other pirates, who all drew down their masks, revealing themselves to be all entirely, one hundred per-cent female. I grinned broadly, and straightened my tie.
“Well,” I said, “The pleasure is all mine.”
Labia smiled, then as quick as lightning, drew out a pistol and jabbed at my chest with it.
“Please, your lordship,” she said, calmly. “do not think for one moment that because we are female that you are out of danger. Need I remind you that we are still pirates, and we fully intend to rob you blind. Now, if you’d be so kind as to give us your most valuable possession to begin with…”
I shrugged my shoulders, and pulled down my trousers, revealing my Lord Palmerston to the assembled crew. There was an audible, sharp intake of breath as the ladies beheld my behemoth-like member.
“This is my most valuable possession,” I said proudly, “and I will happily ‘give it’ to all of you.”
The lady pirates stood, transfixed by my outstanding organ. Finally, one of the ladies broke the stunned silence.
“C-Captain?” she said, meekly. “What do we do?”
“We are pirates, ladies,” Labia answered. “Let us do what pirates do. Let us pillage!”
The women excitedly swarmed forward and lifted Botter and I up by our arms, and dragged us towards the interior of the ship. I looked over to my man-servant, who seemed to be fighting between expressing fear and joy.
“Chin up, my man!” I cried. “It is a dirty job, but someone has to do it. Try and keep a stiff upper lip, or even better just try and keep stiff! Ha-ha!”
We were dragged into a roomy cabin, and as the door swung closed after us, I mused on how my penis had managed to save my life twice in one week.
I was truly blessed.
- Lord Likely, who enjoys reading humor-blogs.com while ‘on the job’.
