24 October 2007
Penis of Death
Ignoring Lance’s protestations, I climbed up the remainder of Mount Penis, with lightning flashing about me, and torrential rain lashing at my face as I struggled up the rocks. I recall thinking that if they ever found a way of capturing moving images onto some sort of film, that this particular moment would make for a particularly exciting and dramatic moment, possibly accentuated by a stirring orchestral score.
As I continued my ascent, my deep, unbridled hatred for Captain Huw Anchor grew and grew. Not only had he killed my poor, dear, half-brother Ludlow, but to cap it all Anchor had an incredibly ravishing wife with fine breasts, of whom I thought he was most undeserving. By the time I reached the summit of Mount Penis, I was shaking with furious rage.
Anchor was standing atop the mount, nursing his wounded arm and recently shot leg. He saw me clamber onto the peak, and smiled his sickeningly smug smile.
“Ah-hah, your lordship!” he smirked. “So glad you could join me. You know, it is funny, is it not, how – “
I was in no mood for a tedious, villainous soliloquy, so I simply marched up to the swine and clouted him firmly in the face. Anchor reeled back in shock.
“You bastard!” he cried, lunging forward at me. I blocked his attack, and delivered another blow to his gut, causing the bounder to double up in pain.
“I really do not care for you very much at all,” I said, standing over my fallen foe. “Indeed, it would not be an understatement to say that I find you to be rather awful.”
“Fu-fuck you, Likely,” hissed Anchor, then he drew his pistol out from his pocket, and fired at me. I felt my shoulder explode with pain, bringing me to my knees instantly. My head began to swim, and my vision blurred. Before I could compose myself, Anchor was upon me, striking me in the face and kicking me about the stomach. Blood filled my mouth, fine-tasting, full-bodied, rich, noble blood, but still my blood nonetheless, which was most unacceptable.
“There is almost something deeply, cosmically ironic about you dying here, atop a giant, penis-shaped mountain, don’t you think?” sneered Anchor, leaning over my crumpled form, pointing his gun at me.
“I…I would say it is more unfortunate th-than ironic,” I whispered. “I fuh-find greater irony in the fact that one with su-such a laughably tiny penis as yourself is standing upon this monument to manhood. Nu-now thu-that’s ironic.”
“SHUT UP!” screamed Anchor, delivering a swift, sharp kick to my groin.
I did not flinch. Instead, I smiled.
Anchor froze momentarily, then cried out in pain, clutching his foot and hopping about in agony.
“Shit! My foot! My blasted foot! What the hell have you got down there?” he cried, pointing to my crotch.
“My penis,” I said, rather matter-of-factly.
“But…but it’s so hard,” Anchor wailed.
“Thank you for noticing,” I said, then I leapt upon the captain and bought him crashing to the ground. We tussled on the floor for a while, punching and struggling in a ball of flailing limbs, until we found ourselves perched on the very edge of the mountain, Anchor astride me, hands around my neck, throttling me while my head hung limply over the precipice. During the fracas my hat fell off, and tumbled down to the ground below, which I found most disagreeable.
“DIE, Likely! DIE!” Anchor screamed as he tried to choke the life out of me. I grew increasingly light-headed and was sure my exalted existence was at an end, until a shot rang out across the peak. Through my increasingly-watery eyes, I made out the figure of Lance, holding a recently discharged pistol.
“Good show, Lance,” I said weakly. Anchor released his grip on me as a new wound opened up on his arm, filling his sleeve with blood. He looked at me in stunned silence, then to Lance, then back to me. I smiled politely, then Anchor tumbled off to the side. The whole terrible business should have ended right then and there, but as Anchor disappeared over the edge of the mount, he managed to grab my proud Lord Palmerston, which had stiffened considerably through the melee, thus halting Anchor’s descent. I winced as I felt his entire body weight pull on my poor todger.
“Yuh…yuh…you don’t get rid of me thu-that easily,” Anchor croaked, grinning a bloody smile, as he hung off of my mighty organ, his legs flailing uselessly in mid-air.
“I think you find I shall get rid of you very easily,” I retorted, gritting my teeth. “For you see, my dear captain…you really do not do anything for me at all.”
Upon these words leaving my lips, my Lord Palmerston went limp, causing Anchor to lose his grip. His eyes widened in terror as his hands came free, and then he plummeted downwards to his death.
“Toodle-pip,” I remarked, watching as he landed messily on the rocks below.
Lance came up beside me, and we exchanged satisfied glances, before I finally passed out as the day’s exertions caught up with me, and I collapsed into my brother’s arms.
- Lord Likely.