05 January 2009
Shocking Shoe-Shine Shenanigans
Having been summoned to investigate a startlingly dull case involving the theft of a gentleman’s shoes by a tiny, cockney bootblack, Lord Likely quickly gets to work by visiting a nearby bakery and having a raunchy, pudding-based threesome with the owner, Mrs. Bapps, and one of her customers – much to Inspector Spunkleford’s chagrin.
After having had some delicious crumpet, Likely decides to finally make his way to the crime scene, where he finds the victim – a Mr. Poots – not only deprived of his footwear, but also of any feet upon which to wear any footwear. Clearly intrigued by such an unusual turn of events, his lordship is almost ready to take the case, until his demands to be paid in whores and whisky are denied by Spunkleford.
In a rage, Likely storms off, only to wind up stepping into a large pile of horse dung, enraging the aristocratic adventurer further. Having taken his anger out on the horse’s owner, Likely proceeds to look for somewhere to clean his shoes…and then inadvertently runs into a tiny, cockney bootblack who offers to shine his lordship’s shoes…
Will Likely take the lad up on his offer, or will he tell him to sod off? Is our hero to be the next victim of the grubby, foot-stealing urchin? And will his lordship ever get a chance to go back to Mrs. Bapps’ bakery for a nice, juicy tart?
Some of these questions may well be answered in the next thrilling chapter of ‘The Bastard Bootblack of Bilgecranny Lane’ - which commences….now.
I eyed the boy with some suspicion and both my eyeballs, and despite his repellent appearance and complete lack of personal hygiene, I decided to take the wretch up on his offer. After all, it did not do for a man of my standing to be currently standing in shoes caked with horse dung.
“What a stupid question, boy!” I snapped. “Of course I want my ruddy shoes shined! Look at all this shit!” I said, raising my foot up so that the child could get a better view of my sullied sole.
“Shine your shoes, guv!” the boy exclaimed, and beckoned me to follow him. I hesitated briefly, then squelched after him.
We finally came to a stop in a rather dingy alley-way, with a single chair propped up against the wall, a small box of brushes and polish ensconced beneath. The ragamuffin gestured me to take a seat, but I decided to leave the seat precisely where it was, and chose to simply sit upon it instead.
“Right then, my lad,” I said, unfurling my copy of The London Illustrated Picture-Post News from my coat pocket. “You had better do a good job! I want these shoes to be so shiny that I can see my face in them, else you will see them in your face!”
The boy quickly and silently got to work, while I took time to peruse my news-paper. As my eyes flitted across the various articles, I suddenly chanced upon a piece about Mr. Poots and his recent mugging, which saw him deprived of both his shoes and his feet. Poor, portly Mr. Poots, I thought. Fancy being robbed by a small child…
I froze. Small child?
I lowered my newspaper, to find myself staring into the eyes of a rather burly, dark-haired man, who was grinning wildly, clutching a hacksaw in his dirty, giant fist. The bootblack, meanwhile, continued his work, seemingly unaware or uninterested in my sudden plight.
Clearly, the time for shoe-shining had passed. Now, ’twas the time for some ruddy action.
- Lord Likely.
Now His Lordship Is In Your Hands!
Well, dear readers, now YOU must help to shape this most astonishing of adventures! Simply select one of the options above, and then click ‘vote’ to cast your…well, vote. After the poll has closed, the most popular choice will be the one pursued in the very next chapter of Lord Likely’s Incredible Inter-Active Adventure! Exciting, yes? YES.
Furthermore, if you leave a comment outlining your choice (and the reasons therefore), then one specially-selected commentator will be selected to receive a FREE link to their website or blog in the next thrilling chapter! Woooooh!
Last Week’s Worthy Winner: Mr. Brent Diggs, of The Ominous Comma, just because I am delighted to see him returned! Huzzah and hurrah, good sir!
Birthday Announcements! I would just like to wish dear Maud Dreadful a slightly belated, but no less heartfelt, happy birthday! And further birthday well-wishes must go to the delightful Sarah, who uncannily shares her birthdate with the aforementioned Maud. Hope you had a simply marvellous time, my dears, and got everything you wanted! Alas, I could not pop my present in the post, as it is still attached to my body. Still, ’tis the thought that counts, eh?
Pathetic Cry For Attention Corner: Mr. Diesel – he of humor-blogs.com fame – has written to me pleading with me to use my vast influence and considerable power to help gather voters to push his ‘Mattress Police‘ web-log to victory in the Web-Log Awards. Being the benevolent soul that I am, I have assented to his pleas, and urge you to all go hither and vote for Mattress Police henceforth!
There. Hopefully, in return, Mr. Diesel may see fit to elevate my web-log to its rightful position at the number one spot in the humor-blogs rankings. Or at least procure several hussies for my enjoyment.