19 December 2007
Balls of Steel, and Rod of Iron
November, 1856.
“Are you comfortable?” chortled Silas Surprise, as he double-checked the locks on the box inside of which my lordly form was now contained.
“I would be considerably more comfortable if I was not inside this box,” I ventured.
“Ha! A commendable try, your lordship! Most commendable indeed! Alas, I am afraid you are to remain exactly where you are! I mean, how else am I to saw a lord in half if I do not have a lord to saw in half?” Silas chimed, testing the blades of his saw with his finger.
“Good God, man!” I snapped, shaking violently inside the box. “You are truly, desperately insane! You would face me unchained, mano y mano, if you were any sort of man!”
“Oh, your lordship! After I have performed this dazzling trick…” Silas spun round, brandishing his saw, its blade glinting menacingly under the stage-lights. “…I shall be twice the man you shall be! Ha-ha!”
“I have to admit, that is rather clever. Well done!” I said.
“Thank you, your lordship. Now onto the main event! And do try not to thrash about too wildly when I begin sawing, for it will only make things more difficult for the both of us!”
And with that, Silas began sawing into the box.
I hurled loud obscenities at my captor, but still he continued his grim work, sawing onwards and downwards, ever nearer to my waist, and my impending demise. My brain churned over a hundred possible escape plans, but all were doomed to failure. I was trapped, in a box, with no way out. It would take something approaching a miracle to free me from being dissected here and now.
As the saw drew sickeningly nearer to my body, I began to feel rather nauseous and dizzy, my head spinning with alarming speed. At first I was certain it was the fear making me feel ill, but when I began to hallucinate again, I realised that the opium I had recently smoked was still kicking around in my system, playing merry havoc with my mind.
Random images floated before my eyes; I saw chorus girls dancing naked, Silas’ assistant rubbing my semen all over her face, the giant floating vagina swooping around the stage like some sort of fleshy eagle…and then Her Majesty, Queen Victoria, appeared beside me in an ethereal, ghost-like form. She turned to me and softly spoke.
“Arise, Lord Likely, arise!”
I smiled weakly at the apparition as she uttered the words over and over, and I felt my recumbent Lord Palmerston twitch with excitement. As Her Majesty floated beside me, I took the opportunity to behold her glorious globes, bouncing around freely beneath her dress. For a drug-induced spectre, she certainly had a most fantastic set of knockers.
“What the – ?” Silas yelled, snapping me out of my trance. I looked down to see the malevolent magician struggling with his saw, pulling and pushing at it with considerable might. “Why won’t this blasted saw…cut…through…this…blasted…box!”
Silas heaved with all of his might, but still the saw would not comply. I soon realised what was afoot, and began to laugh loudly.
“Ha-ha-ha!” I guffawed. “You may have a strong, searingly sharp saw there, Mr. Surprise, but I am afraid it is nothing compared to the power of my proud Lord Palmerston!”
“What? What are you babbling on about?” snapped Silas, glaring angrily at his saw, now nothing more than a tangled and twisted metallic mess.
“My Lord Palmerston – the world’s strongest penis! It seems that while I was entranced by some most erotic hallucinations, my titanic todger was roused to the point of full-on arousal, and has become so incredibly thickened and engorged that your simple saw cannot cut through it!”
“Don’t be so bloody ridiculous, whoever heard of such a thing? A penis that can – “
Silas was stopped mid-sentence as a loud splintering sound filled the auditorium. His eyes flicked about nervously, trying to locate the source of the noise, his gaze finally falling back upon the box. He watched with stunned astonishment as the wood cracked and split apart before his very eyes, until finally the tip of my Palmerston broke through the box-lid in glorious, purple-hatted triumph.
“Ye Gods!” Silas gasped, as he beheld my herculean hammer-head. “What in the name of of all that is Holy?…”
My leviathan love-pump’s magnificent entrance had significantly weakened the box, enabling me to break myself free with considerable ease. Once liberated, I wasted no time in pouncing upon the suitably surprised Silas Surprise. I hauled the bounder towards me by his lapels, ensuring that I had his full, undivided attention.
“Now pay attention, Mr. Surprise, for now I shall demonstrate how one can magically turn a cowardly conjurer completely black and blue…” I smiled.
- Lord Likely.
His lordship’s glorious group, The Upper Crust
