15 December 2007
Lord Likely chases the dragon
November, 1856.
“Well,” I said, pulling my trousers back up following my recent bout of intercourse. “I think that concludes my…cross examination. Now, Mr. Silas Surprise, I shall be going, but I dare say that I shall return in due course, and I shall bring with me conclusive evidence that you are nothing more than a foul murderer, and a wretched shit, to boot.”
“Well, good luck with your investigation,” Silas remarked, innocently. “I do hope you find the cad responsible.”
“Hmph,” I snorted, fixing the magician with an ice-cold stare. “Indeed I shall, sir. Indeed I shall.”
“Oh! But where are my manners?” Silas suddenly exclaimed loudly, slapping his forehead. “Here you are, having come to visit me, and I have been a terrible host! I have offered you nothing.”
“I…would not say that,” I replied, glancing suggestively at the young minx I had just shagged on Silas’ dresser. “You have been most…accommodating. For a murderous hound, of course.”
“Won’t you join me in a drink, your lordship? Ah, no wait! I have a better idea! Why don’t you join me in a quick…smoke.” Silas gestured towards a platter of drug paraphernalia laid out upon the floor beside him. “I trust that one as clearly decadent as you are, must be familiar with opium?”
I was indeed familiar with opium. I had enjoyed it in a recreational capacity at many a social gathering, although I must confess that it did not always react well with me. One time I became convinced that my top hat was trying to eat my head, whilst on another debauched occasion I wound up half-blinding the Duke of Frotting when I mistook him for a murderous, giant panda.
“Thank you, but I am afraid I must decline,” I announced, heading for the door. “I should really busy myself with the matter of your duplicitous deeds.”
“That is a terrible shame. I had not expected the infamous Lord Likely to be so…unadventurous.”
I stopped at the door and turned slowly back to the room. I drew myself to my full height, straightened my tie, and strode slowly towards Silas Surprise. I had worked hard to build up my reputation as an astonishing adventurer, and I was not about to let this bally toad undo all of my endeavours. I do pride myself greatly on my pride.
“I suppose I could partake of a pipe,” I said, in a slow and steady voice.
“Marvelous!” chirped Silas, busying himself with the various smoking accouterments. “Please, do feel free to recline upon the chaise-longue. I shall have it ready in one moment.”
I laid down upon the chair as Silas gently heated up the opium pipe over a small oil-lamp. I watched him extremely carefully, to ensure that he was not attempting any trickery or tomfoolery. Finally, satisfied with his preparations, Silas passed me the pipe.
“Here you go, your lordship,” he smiled. “Happy smoking!”
I took the pipe cautiously from the conniving conjurer, and watched his face for any signs of mischief. Silas merely looked on, regarding the pipe like a proud parent might look upon their newborn child. I remained focused on Silas’ face as I slowly lifted the pipe to my mouth, and inhaled.
Instantly I knew something was amiss. Rather than using one pill in the pipe, Silas had somehow managed to double or maybe even triple the dose. Determined not to let him get the better of me, I suppressed the wave of nausea cascading over me, and held the smoke in my lungs for as long as I possibly could. Silas watched on, evidently impressed by my actions, at which point I exhaled. I felt giddy and my head became as light as a feather, but I ploughed on and took another draw from the pipe, keeping my gaze fixed on the magician. As I stared, his face seemed to take on a far more sinister guise, and for a few terrifying moments, I could have sworn I was sat next to the devil himself. Panic gripped me, before a sudden feeling of complete calm took over my senses, and against all remaining reason I slumped back in my chair, utterly relaxed.
At this point, my man-servant Botter walked in.
“Botter, my good man,” I said slowly. “I fear I may be melting.”
I seemed to melt slowly over the chaise-longue, and through the cracks of the floorboards, whereupon the world vanished before my very eyes, leaving me the sole liquefied inhabitant of a big, black nothingness.
Suddenly, walls bled back into the void; beautiful, golden walls, shimmering with an almost magical, unearthly sheen. I floated above and below them, marveling at their glory, until I beheld some female figures approaching at the end of the room.
I regrouped myself into a solid form, and ran towards the lades, laughing uncontrollably as I did so. As I neared the figures, they began to merge together and mutate, until they had assumed the form of a single, giant vagina.
I clapped my hands together with glee, and then danced with the giant vagina, swirling around the golden room in a joyful waltz, unable to hide my delight. The giant vagina and I twirled onwards and upwards into the sky, as the room fell away beneath us, disappearing into the void once more.
I leant in to place a gentle kiss upon the giant vagina, at which point the vagina opened wide and I fell inside, tumbling down into more nothingness.
I fell forever.
Finally I stopped falling and found myself landing on a large, double bed in the middle of nowhere. Beside me was the slumbering shape of another woman, her body turned away from mine. I turned her over and beheld her beautiful, naked body, half-lit in the moonlight coming from an unseen moon.
“Take me, your lordship,” she panted. “Take me.”
I undid my trousers and reached for my Lord Palmerston, but upon glancing back at this mystery woman I found she was no longer a female at all, instead there lay Mr. Silas Surprise. He roared with laughter, and pointed at my groin. I looked back at my beloved Palmerston, only to discover that I was clutching a large, vicious python. The snake slipped free of my grasp and opened it’s massive jaws, and slipped them over my head.
Silas’ laughter continued as the snake swallowed me whole, and then I heard nothing at all.
“Bugger me,” I said, upon reawakening from my intense dream. “That was slightly unusual.” I moved to get up, but found my movements were hampered somewhat. Looking down, I noticed that my body was in a large box, with only my head and my feet resting free. I tutted my disapproval.
“Welcome back,” said a voice beside me. I craned my head and saw Mr. Silas Surprise standing over me, brandishing a rather unfriendly-looking saw. “You are just in time to witness my new trick – first-hand, no less! I call it ‘Sawing a Lord in Half‘, and you are extremely fortunate to have the best seat in the house!”
“This had better be part of the hallucination,” I answered. “Or else I shall be really cocking annoyed.”
- Lord Likely.
His lordship’s glorious group, The Upper Crust
