13 December 2007
Wherein his lordship pumps a suspect for clues.
November, 1856.
The first thing I noticed about Mr. Silas Surprise was the enormous size of his wand.
I could not help but notice it, really. As Archie, the doctor and I entered Mr. Surprise’s dressing-room to confront him over our recent tussle with an alarmingly un-dead gentleman, we found the conjurer standing proudly next to a mirror, holding his wand aloft with considerable pride.
“My word,” I said. “That is rather a large wand you have there, sir.”
“Why thank you,” replied Silas, a broad, beaming smile creeping across his face. “I do believe it is the largest wand in all of the Empire, you know.”
“That may be,” I concurred. “But then, you do know what they say about gentlemen with large wands, do you not?”
“No. Pray tell, my good sir, what is it they say?”
“They say that gentlemen with big wands have pitifully small penises.”
Silas’ face darkened. “Oh really. And who are ‘they’ who make such slanderous comments, if I may ask?”
“They are me and my proud Lord Palmerston,” I said, pointing to the significant bulge in my trousers. “My Palmerston is, without doubt, the largest wand in the Empire.”
“Hmph,” Silas snorted. “It certainly looks impressive, friend, but tell me – can it do magic?”
“But of course. I can make it disappear up a lady’s chuff in an instant, and I can also expel from it a powerful torrent of magical mucus upon her face, if she so desires.” I smiled, and winked at a rather gorgeous young lady stood nearby, who I took to be one of Silas’ assistants. She smiled back, and rolled her tongue suggestively across her lips. I tipped my hat politely in return, and felt my penis begin to thicken with excitement.
“Touché,” replied Silas. “But I do not imagine that you came here merely to discuss cock-sizes. Who are you, and how the devil did you get in here?”
“In answer to your first question,” I said, maintaining eye-contact with Silas’ beautiful assistant. “I am Lord Likely, and I am the new owner of this very theatre. And in answer to your second query, I am Lord Likely, and I am the new owner of this very theatre.”
“I see. And what business do you have with me, my lord?”
“Business, yes,” I said distractedly, as I watched the female assistant run her hands up and down her ample chest. “Business…“
“Ah, yes,” said Archie, realising that I was going to prove of no particular use to the investigation at this point. “My friends and I have just been assaulted by a dead man, Mr. Surprise.”
“I had heard, yes. Terrible state of affairs,” Silas nodded, sadly. “But what does this have to do with me?”
“Ah-ha!” exclaimed Archie, before pausing, a confused look upon his face. “I…I am sure I do not have the faintest idea…Likely?”
By this time, I was locked in an embrace with Silas’ assistant, kissing her upon the mouth with such fevered passion that even a Frenchman would have been embarrassed.
“Ahem…Likely,” Archie coughed.
“Oh yes, the case,” I said, disentangling myself from the buxom filly. “Mr. Surprise, I wonder if you could tell me what this is,” I produced the King of Spades from my pocket and passed it on to the magician. He flipped it over in his hands.
“It is a playing card, your lordship,” he smirked. “I would have thought that was blatantly obvious.”
“Indeed it is, and it is. But it is no ordinary playing card, sir. You will notice it is razor tipped, and JESUS CHRIST!” I exclaimed, as the lovely lady withdrew my Palmerston from my trousers and began to wrap her lips around his engorged end. “Excuse me. Ahem. It is a razor-tipped card, but it is carefully weighted in such a manner that – FUCK YES, THAT’S THE TICKET – uh, it is weighted such that it will always fly in an upward path, away from any person Archie here has enlisted in his act.”
“It is true,” Archie agreed. “The ‘Card of Death‘ trick is just a trick, after all. No-one is ever in any real danger.”
“Precisely. Tonight, however, one unfortunate fellow died during this trick, and all because – OH YES! SUCK MY BALLS!” I yelled, as the female assistant continued to slurp away noisily on my todger. “Pardon me. As I was saying, someone died to-night because the cards have been tampered with. They no longer fly upwards when thrown – SHITTING CRIKEY, THAT FEELS SO GOOD – instead, they fly straight. They have been weighted differently, without Archie’s knowledge, and so the trick went terribly awry.”
“And what? You suspect me of tampering with the cards? Is that why you are here?”
“Well, sir, you are…sorry, you shall have to excuse me for a moment,” I said, as I took the assistant and sat her upon a dressing-table in the room. I lifted her dress up and pulled her underwear down in a trice, and then I carefully slid my pulsating Palmerston into her sopping wet mimsy, and began thrusting away like a piston. “There. Now, where was I?”
“You were about to accuse me of murder, I believe,” Silas replied, regarding my actions with a quizzical expression.
“Ooooh, yes. You find this to be most favourable, do you not?” I whispered to the woman as I pumped away merrily. “Ah, yes, murder!” I added, trying to focus my mind back upon the investigation. “You are the only other magician on to-night’s bill, are you not, Mr. Surprise? I think that only you would – oh yes, this is most agreeable – I think that only you would have the expertise required to successfully meddle with these playing cards.”
“Pah!” cried Silas. “And why should I do such a thing? I am the head-liner, lest you forget. Why would I be at all interested in ruining Argle’s act?”
“That’s Archie,” Archie interjected, slightly hurt.
“Yes, I have not quite figured that part out yet. Nor have I yet managed to – Good Heavens, my dear, did you really just slip a finger into my anus? Bravo! Bravo indeed!” I exclaimed, as I continued to hump the magician’s assistant. “Sorry, Mr. Surprise. As I was saying, I have not yet managed to fathom out how the dead man came back to life, or how you managed to pull off such a convincing illusion, but – oh God, your fanny is so divine! – but do not fear, Mr. Surprise, I shall figure it all out eventually.”
“Well, feel free to poke around all you like, milord,” Silas smiled, his mood suddenly brightening.
“I already am,” I replied casually.
“You may snoop and sneak about, but I assure you, you shan’t find anything to link me to this…terrible event.”
“Pardon?” I yelled, as my erotic exertions became more enthusiastic, causing the dressing-table to bang loudly against the wall, sending various make-up bottles crashing noisily to the floor. “You shall have to speak up!”
“I said, you shall not find…”
“Hold that thought, sir,” I said, turning my attention back to the ravishing young woman with whom I was making love. “My dear, I do believe I am about to ejaculate quite forcibly. If you do not mind, I should like to expel my juices upon your face now.”
The girl clambered off of the dresser, and dropped to her knees in front of me, as I began to issue forth thick streams of love-batter all over her countenance, while she lapped hungily at my excretions like some kind of cat. A cat with fabulous tits.
“By Queen Victoria’s quivering quim! You do like that, do you not? That’s it! Swallow it up! All of it! Every last drop! Oh, God yes…jolly good show, you dirty little vixen…jolly good show!”
Finally, I finished unloading my noble secretions and was ready to continue the investigation.
“Sorry about that, Mr. Surprise…now, where were we?”
The other men looked on, gobs considerably smacked.
- Lord Likely.
Attention! His lordship is one of the many rogues featured in the marvelous new publication, Revealing the Human Behind the Avatar – learn more about it here!
His lordship’s glorious group, The Upper Crust
