24 February 2008
Lord Likely is One
Oh, dear diary! Today is a special day indeed, for it heralds the one year anniversary of our joyous union!
Can it really be twelve months since I first opened you up, took my quill firmly in my hand and thrust it betwixt your soft, creamy pages, and filled you with my wondrous words and my powerful punctuation?
I am very pleased and more than slightly surprised to reach the one year mark. I rarely manage to keep anything up for an entire year (except back in 1845, when I maintained an erection for a whole three hundred and sixty-five days). I usually find myself very easily distracted, and quickly bored, which explains why most of my relationships have been fleeting and temporary, amounting to little more than a few hours of exquisite, passionate, and incredibly sweaty love-making.
Truly, then, the fact that I have stuck at this journal writing lark is something worth celebrating,
and worth celebrating in the way I know best – by getting blind, roaring drunk, and hopefully penetrating a few maids along the way.
I am going to party like ’twas 1899.
“Botter!” I cried as I strode into the dining-room, where Botter was busily cleaning up a large pile of vomit. “Good heavens, man! What has happened here?”
“Don’t you remember, milord?” Botter replied, scooping up some chunks of chundered chow into a bucket. “You got rather drunk last night.”
“I did?” I said, stroking my moustache in deep contemplation.
“Yes, milord. You said you wanted to celebrate the fact that it was a Saturday, and then you drank heavily into the night, threw up here, stripped naked and ran out into the garden, loudly proclaiming that you were the ‘hanging judge’. I found you later asleep under a cow.”
“Well,” I said. “Saturdays are really rather splendid. But not as splendid as to-day, Botter – for to-day I am celebrating the one year anniversary of the commencement of my journals!”
“Congratulations, milord,” Botter replied, depositing more vomit into his bucket.
“Thank you, Botter. I have decided to mark the occasion by throwing one of my massive balls.”
“Throwing one of your massive balls at whom, milord?”
“Ah, I see the mistake you have made there, Botter. I am referring to holding a big party, and not hurling one of my generously-sized testicles at an individual. You blithering twat.”
“I shall leave the arrangements in your capable, puke-caked hands, Botter. I trust you can cope with that?”
“Certainly, milord, however there is a slight problem,” Botter replied.
“Problem? Problem? Of what problem do you speak, you grubby little shit-stain?”
“Well, after your drunken antics last night, I am afraid to report that…well, you should probably like to sit down for this, milord.”
“Nonsense! I can take it standing up, as the whore said to the bishop.”
“Well, um…you know…erm… ” Botter babbled.
“Jesus Cocking Christ! Just give it to me straight, man!” I yelled. “Which is also what the whore said to the bishop, now I think about it.”
“Alright, milord, alright. I am afraid to report that…we are entirely out of booze!“
My eyes widened in horror.
“Bollocks!” I cried. “This is serious.”
- Lord Likely.
Next Time in The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely: will Lord Likely be able to procure more alcohol for his magnificent ball? Or will he be forced to celebrate his anniversary stone-cold sober?
His lordship would like to take this opportunity to give his hardened, fully-engorged thanks to his loyal readers, for their continued support over the past year. His lordship is truly grateful, and wished that he could penetrate each and every one of you in return. Cheers!
Stop the Presses! The deliciously delectable Diane of the web-log Much of Muchness, has awarded his lordship a wondrous award to mark the occasion of her own one year blogiversary. Many thanks, m’dear – and happy blog birthday to you! Huzzah!
Mr. Diesel, long time supporter of his lordship and the chap behind Mattress Police and humor-blogs.com (where his lordship currently resides at an incredibly sexual 69th place), has launched a new offensive upon the world of comedy, called The Clay Pigeon, chock-full of amusing articles and witty writings. Although nowhere near as hilarious as his lordship’s own scrawlings (naturally), we still encourage you to visit the Pigeon by clicking the image below! The second issue hits the virtual newsstands tomorrow!