05 October 2009
Maid to Pleasure
~ Lord Likely and the Bloody Nuisances Part Five ~
For the previous chapter, please click here.
THREE DAYS had passed since I had soundly defeated the nefarious neck-biter Mr. Strix, a skirmish which had resulted in the blood-sucking bounder dissolving into a pile of bones, guts and well-tailored clothing. Naturally, the whole spectacle rather perturbed Strx’s housemaid, Helena Handbaskett, leaving her deeply traumatised. Of course, being a naturally caring and benevolent fellow, I immediately offered her lodgings at Likely Towers, where I spent the following three days comforting the poor girl, offering her a shoulder to cry on, and a penis to wildly straddle, both of which she gladly accepted.
After three days of such strenuous counsel, wherein I offered solace to the lady in numerous different positions and locales, we wound up back in my magnificent bed-chamber. Helena lay on her back, with me holding her legs in the air, pumping away at her quivering mound like a piston on a particularly well-oiled (and damnably attractive) machine. With each impressive thrust Helena moaned and gasped with delight, as in the manner of many a lady before her, and dare I say, many a lady after her as well.
“RULE BRITANNIA!” I bellowed, as I shot my ennobled ejaculate into Helena’s silken flesh-purse at the precise point at which she climaxed with all the force of a raging river crashing through a damn. Sweaty and utterly sated, I rolled off the gasping form of the maid and lit myself a cigarette.
“Do you always smoke after intercourse, my lord?” asked Helena as she caught her breath.
“Sometimes,” I replied, dragging on my cigarette. “Sometimes, I smoke during intercourse. The friction can be incredible, you know.”
A post-coital silence fell upon us as we both lay back on the pillows, a silence that lasted up until the point that Helena spoke once more.
“My lord, may I ask you a question?” she spake.
“Well, you have already asked two question, including that one, so I cannot see what difference a third would make.”
“Very well,” Helena responded, “My lord…are we to be married now?”
I nearly swallowed my cigarette in shock at this abrupt suggestion.
“M-m-married?” I stuttered in a stunned staccato. “Why on earth would you want to go and ruin a perfectly good relationship by getting married?”
“But my lord, you have laid with me these past few days…surely you must be planning to wed me as well?”
“Good heavens no, dear,” I said. “I have something of a distrust of the institution of marriage. I liken it to glueing together two fifty pound notes…far from ending up with one, crisp hundred pound note, all you have is a messy lump of glue and paper that is worth considerably less than the two component parts.”
“My lord!” raged Helena, her face turning scarlet, which actually complimented her red hair rather nicely. “You must make an honest woman of me!”
“You are a woman, honestly!” I retorted. “I should know, I’ve seen a few. Look, dear Helena, you are a sweet, innocent girl but I am…I am Lord Likely, Aristocratic Adventurer and Gentle-Man of Action! I am a bachelor, a man-about-town, a wild and free spirit. Think of me as being a lithe, world-class race-horse. You do not get yourself a champion racer and then tether it to a large, heavy carriage, expecting it to drag the blasted thing about with it all day and all night. Why, to do so would be absolute insanity, and would only serve to crush the spirit and drain the soul of the poor creature.”
“Oh! So I am a ‘large, heavy carriage’ now, am I?” wailed Helena, rising up out of the bed with the sheets wrapped around her slender frame.
“Only in a metaphorical sense,” I cooed. “In actuality you are rather pleasingly assembled indeed.”
Helena stared out of the bed-room window for a while, then turned back to me. “Fine, my lord. I see that you have your beliefs, and are quite certain of yourself. I can accept that.” She sat back down beside me, and placed a hand on my arm, while she gazed deeply into my eyes. “But I am completely certain that you shall change your mind in no time at all, and that you shall very soon acquiesce to my demands to marry me.”
I stared into her dark eyes, for what seemed like an eternity.There was something about them, something intangible that seemed to hold one’s gaze, drawing one further and further in. Everything else seemed to fade away into the background, and all that was left were the eyes, those dark, beautiful eyes…
I shook my head sharply to free myself of the daze that I had found myself in.
“Sorry, my dear? You were saying?”
“I was just wondering, my lord,” Helena said, taking my hand and holding it close to her. “Shall we get married?”
“Why, most certainly, my dear! How about tomorrow?”
- Lord Likely.
Next Time in The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely: Nice Day For A Bite Wedding!
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