25 February 2007
Adventure Arrives in an Envelope
February 25th 1856 (morning-time)
It began a day like any other, with me having my genitals washed by my faithful man-servant Botter, who due to his unfortunate accident yesterday, had to perform the task one-handed.
My morning abolutions were interrupted, however, by the chimes of my front-door bell, informing me that the morning’s post had arrived. Botter gave Lord Palmerston (as I am wont to calling my manhood) a thorough drying-off, then headed downstairs to collect the mail.
I was dressing when Botter returned with a single letter in his filthy mitt.
“Just one letter for you to-day, your Lordship,” Botter said.
“Thank-you, Botter. Now here’s two more letters for you – eff-oh!”
I laughed at my scathing wit, while poor Botter spent a not inconsiderable time trying to figure out the meaning behind my humorous retort.
“I meant fuck off, Botter.”
Botter laughed nervously, caught my unimpressed glare, then dutifully and hastily fucked off.
I sat down and deftly set about opening the letter using my fencing sword. I soon made short work of the envelope, and withdrew it’s contents.
Inside was just a single piece of paper, with a hastily-scrawled message upon it. I read it, and immediately felt sick and revolted:
‘Sir’ indeed. Any fool knows the correct form of address is ‘lordship’ or ‘My lord’. Clearly whoever wrote this note was an idiot of the greatest degree.
And they wanted to cut me.