19 April 2009
THE Duchess of Fircombe’s cries of distress over the theft of her priceless pearl necklace continued on, which was of course perfectly understandable, but also ruddy irritating.
“For the love of buggery, have a vol-au-vent, woman!” I snapped, stuffing one of the aforementioned delicacies into the Duchess’ gaping, great gob. “I cannot hear myself think!”
Clearly taken by surprise by my actions, the Duchess duly shut up, allowing me to once more hear myself think. Now that I could once again hear my thoughts, I was able to ascertain that I was not in deep rumination about the mystery at hand, as I had imagined, but was actually contemplating pushing my penis betwixt Lady Marmalade’s bountiful breasts, and then thrusting away until climax.
Not at all useful to current proceedings, I grant you, but a nice thought nonetheless.
Anyway, I quickly realised that as I had already saved the day once, it would no doubt fall on me again to rise to the rescue, and solve this confounded conundrum. I therefore silenced the perplexed party-goers, and took control of the room once more.
“Ladies and gentle-men, as you have just witnessed, someone has rather brazenly stolen the Duchess of Fircombe’s pearl necklace, right in front of our very eyes! It is quite obvious to me that that someone is still in the room right now, thereby making us all suspects in this investigation!” I paused. “Well, aside from me, of course. I am in the business of giving pearl necklaces, not taking them.” I winked at the ever-radiant Dorothy Mount-Worthy, who flashed a bewitching smile in return. “Besides which,” I continued, facing the crowd, “I am the heroic protagonist of this piece, so can quite clearly be ruled out…”
“What in God’s name are you blathering on about?” blustered the Duke of Fircombe, interrupting what I thought had been a rather good and rather powerful speech.
“Please, do not interrupt me. I am trying to conduct a criminal investigation!” I replied, before turning back to speak to the guests. “Now then – who stole the necklace? Own up! Come on, now!”
I was met with a stoney silence.
“Hmm,” I mused. “I had rather hoped that would work, to be honest…”
“Blast it all, do you have any idea what you are doing? Who put you in charge, anyway, sah?” grumbled Major Thrashing. “I oversaw many such investigation in my time in the army, you know? Saw many a man swing, you know. What are your credentials, pray tell?”
“Well, I work very closely with Scotland Yard, Major, and have helped them out on numerous occasions…here’s my card,” I explained patiently, proffering one of my business cards at the senile old sod.
“‘Madam Tipslip’s Knocking Shop? All Gentle-Men Serviced With A Smile?’” read the Major. “What in the blue blazes has that got to do with anything, sah?”
“Ah, bugger it. Wrong card,” I replied, giving my actual card in place of the other.
“‘Lord Likely, Aristocratic Adventurer and Gentle-Man of Action. Cases cracked, mysteries solved, ladies pumped. All cases and mysteries to be directed to Inspector A. Spunkleford of Scotland Yard in the first instance. All ladies may enquire directly to Likely Towers…‘”
“There, see? Are you quite content now?” I beamed.
“Well, I…I…” stammered the Major.
“Good. One more peep out of you and I shall charge you with obstructing police work, and have you banged up in a cell so quickly your false teeth will spin. Got that?” The Major nodded slowly. “Good. Now, may we proceed?”
“This is all a waste of time!” barked the Duke of Fircombe, to my great annoyance. “It is quite clear who the thief is…HIM!”
The entire crowd followed the direction of the Duke’s accusatory finger, and found the rather nervous form of Pilferton Swypes, the apparently reformed jewel-thief, standing at the end of it.
“Good evening,” he said, meekly.
“The man has a history of stealing valuables, for heaven’s sake!” cried the Duke. “Why, he even stole a necklace once – from Buckingham Palace, no less! And what sort of fellow comes to a ball wearing a robber’s mask, I ask? I shall tell you – a robber!”
“I’ve changed, curse you!” snapped Swypes, suddenly becoming highly animated. “I’ve become a best-selling author! I have a national tour coming up! My life is being adapted for the stage, with Mr Thomas de Cruise portraying me! Why would I go back to stealing jewellery again, with all that going on? I’m making more money now than I ever did then!”
“Maybe you stole my wife’s necklace to set yourself up for your book’s follow-up!” exclaimed the Duke.
“Why you puffed-up piece of…” snarled Swypes, clenching his fists.
“Gentlemen, gentlemen,” I interjected. “Please, we do not want any violence here, unless it is being administered by my own fair hand. As far as I am concerned, everyone is a suspect until I have concluded my investigations. Even you, Your Grace,” I said, addressing the Duke.
“What? You have a nerve, Likely!”
“For all I know this could be an insurance scam or some such…no-one is above suspicion, I am afraid. Except me, as I’ve already stated. Now, shall we stop bickering, and commence the investigation?”
“Fine,” snorted the Duke.
“Rightio. Well, it occurs to me that if the culprit is still in this very room, then it must follow that the necklace is still here as well. I propose we have a thorough search of the guests…may I suggest that I take the ladies?”
- Lord Likely.
The Puzzling Pearl Necklace Puzzle is a Which Ruddy Bastard Did It? mystery, meaning that YOU can also partake in the mystery! Read carefully, dear readers, for their shall be clues and hints aplenty, and when the time comes to reveal the bounder responsible for the crime, YOU will be able to thrust forward your own suggestions as to the identity of the culprit, and see if you have what it takes to be an astonishing adventurer!
Please, keep your eyes peeled and your genitals scrubbed…