29 March 2007
Rushing to the Russians
March, 1856.
Botter and I took a carriage to London Town, eager to get our teeth into another exciting adventure.
Well, I was eager, at any rate. Botter complained about the whole affair, until I silenced him by hitting his testicles with a pipe.
Unlike our carriage ride in our last adventure, this journey passed by without incident. Botter did piss himself after I refused to allow him to stop to relieve himself, which I found highly amusing at first, but when the awful smell of freshly-soiled man-servant began to fill the carriage, I began to regret my misguided prank.
We arrived at the Russian Embassy by mid-afternoon, and were greeted by our old friend, Inspector Albert Spunkleford.
“Likely!” he beamed, taking my hand and shaking it enthusiastically. “Good to see you again, old boy. I got your telegram, although I must say I’m confounded if I could make head or tail of it!”
He reached into his jacket pocket, and produced a crumpled piece of paper.
“Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop stop…and it continues in much the same manner for a whole page!”
“Ah, yes. You see, Spunkleford, I asked Botter to write the telegram, and I helped by prodding him continually with my sword. One has to pass the time somehow, don’t you agree?”
Spunkleford laughed.
“Oh, Likely, you bounder! Now, I fear we must put all jocularities aside, and focus on the mystery at hand.”
“Ivan Romanov’s disappearence?”
“Yes. A most peculiar affair. Mr. Romanov arrived here one morning, then apparently left at lunch-time, looking ‘flustered’ according to a witness. That was the last any bugger saw of him.”
“Witness, Spunkleford?”
“Ah, yes, one of the secretaries…a Miss Eileen Nipples. That’s her, over there.”
Spunkleford indicated to a gorgeous creature exiting the embassy, a woman with long brown hair, long legs and a bosom so large one would have to prepare an expedition to successfully mount them. I felt my Lord Palmerston quiver.
“I feel I should like to…cross-examine this Miss Nipples,” I said, suggestively. “And quite possibly jizz on her tits, as well.”
This case was looking far more interesting than I could have hoped for.
– Lord Likely.
