03 July 2009
Fingering the Felon
“DO YOU have the pearl necklace?” I bellowed.
“I shall never tell!” cried Lady Marmalade, the last of the suspects to be interviewed.
“Tell me!” I roared, bringing my cane down upon her naked buttocks.
Lady Marmalade gasped. “Never!“
“Confess, you harlot!” I yelled, raising my arm again.
“I confess nothing!” said the lady, crying out and gripping the sides of the desk as my cane thrashed her once more.
“What is going on here? I heard screams and – oh!” exclaimed the Duke of Fircombe, as he burst into the study, only to find Lady Marmalade bent over the desk, her naked derriere exposed to the room. “What the devil?…”
“I believe this is Lord Likely’s idea of detective work,” droned Peeves, the Fircombe’s rather miserable butler. “However, it looks like it has gone from policing to perversion, if you ask me. Disgusting.”
“Now listen here, Likely!” snapped the Duke, striding over to me. “This is no time to be acting upon your sordid whims! You promised me that you would find the cad responsible for stealing my wife’s necklace – and instead, I find you here….doing…doing…THIS!” he stammered, gesturing towards Lady Marmalade, who was hurriedly hitching up her knickers.
“My good man, this is the very latest in interrogation technique, a method designed to elicit crucial information from the suspect. Not that I’d expect you to understand, you bloated ignoramus,” I replied calmly.
“Listen, Likely, you had better get a result pretty damned fast, or else I shall be forced to contact the police, and get a professional to do your job for you! Do you understand?”
“Fine,” I mumbled, not relishing the prospect of having some smarmy police officer attempting to crack this case in my stead. “Assemble everyone in the drawing room. I shall be there presently to reveal my findings.”
“Hmph! Well, just be sure that is all you reveal, sir,” the Duke snapped, turning on his heels and marching away.
“Do you really know he did it, milord?” Botter asked, as he sidled up to me.
“Hmmm? Oh, yes. I knew hours ago. I have just been having a spot of fun. Come on, let’s go and meet the rest of the guests – things are about to get even more entertaining, I think.”
*****
“Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for meeting me here,” I said, addressing the assembled guests who were waiting in the drawing room, chattering excitedly among themselves. “I said, ‘thank you’,” I repeated as the hubbub failed to subside. “SHUT UP, YOU BASTARDS!” I shouted, causing the room to fall silent immediately. I smiled sweetly. “Thank you so much, ladies and gents. Now, I shall not keep you long – heaven knows we all came here for a party, and a party is precisely what we shall have, just as soon as I’ve wrapped this whole sorry business up.”
“Woooo!” cheered Dorothy Mount-Worthy, who was sitting on the edge of a chair, sipping another cocktail and getting decidedly more drunk.
“Precisely. Now, as you all know, this evening saw the Duchess’ beautiful pearl necklace stolen by a person or persons unknown, a terrible crime which occurred right beneath our very noses, undoubtedly by someone in this very room!”
The crowd gasped and mumbled among themselves.
“Unless it was a crafty magpie,” Botter interjected, rather deflating the moment somewhat. “He could have gotten in through the window, snuck among the shadows and then -”
“Shut up, Botter,” I said. “Now, pretty much everyone in this room has a motive of some sort. Pilferton Swypes, for example, is an allegedly reformed jewel thief – but who is to say he has left his old ways behind him? Would seeing such a valuable item of jewellery tempt the cad to steal again?”
“Honestly,” moaned Swypes. “You spend your whole life stealing things, and suddenly you’re labelled as a thief. It seems grossly unfair.”
“Winsome Pine,” I said, swivelling around to address the poet. “Recently heart-broken by his lover – maybe you thought you might woo him back with an expensive gift?”
Pine grunted in disapproval, proving to be strangely ineloquent for a man who spent his life working with words.
“Jennifer Eels,” I continued, turning to the young lady in question. “You recently inherited your father’s eel business – a business that is in less than impressive shape, no? Perhaps you stole the necklace, with a view to selling it and pumping the money back into your failing company?” I tuned around again. “Major Thrashing – a military man, who was posted to the Far East for many years, where the Duchess’ necklace originated from. Perhaps your hatred of foreigners extends to items made abroad, leading you to steal the necklace in order to destroy it?”
“Balls!” barked the Major, offering a very thorough defence.
“Maybe – just maybe – it was the Duke and Duchess themselves, looking to make a substantial insurance claim on a stolen necklace? Or perhaps – “
“For God’s sake, Likely,” said the Duke. “Are we going to spend all night going through who might have done it? Can we not just skip straight to who actually did it?”
I grimaced as the Duke interrupted my flow. “Hmph. Please, dear Duke, I am in the midst of my summing up, a crucial phase in any investigation wherein – “
I paused as I noticed Dorothy suggestively rolling an olive across her lips, winking at me as she did so. Suddenly, my attention was no longer focused on the case.
“Fine,” I said rather disinterestedly, pointing into the room, while refusing to take my eyes off of the delectable form of Ms. Mount-Worthy. “It was you.”
- Lord Likely.
Whodunnit?
Which ruddy bounder stole the pearl necklace? Use YOUR deductive powers to help solve the case! When you have decided which one of the guests committed the crime, cast your vote below! Do not be afraid to offer forth your reasoning in the comments section as well, dear readers.
Be back here next week to see if you were correct – or whether you accused an innocent!
If you have not read the entire story thus far (shame on you) then why not read through this astonishing adventure thus far, beginning hither?
Good luck, detectives!
