28 April 2008
“So, you must be Mr. The Beast,” I said calmly, as the slavering beast advanced upon me. “I don’t suppose you would care for a cup of tea, or something?”
“Grrrrrarrrgggh!” said the beast.
“Grrrrarrrgggh?” I repeated. “Good heavens, your diction is really quite awful. Now listen here, old chap, you’ve been rather an awful cad, and I’m afraid that we are going to have to -”
Before I could finish reprimanding the terrible beast, the brute swung at me with his powerful claws, resulting in him tearing my lovely blue suit.
“Well that does it, I’m afraid,” I said. “Murder is bad enough, but I simply cannot abide such terrible manners!” And with that, I launched myself at the beast.
We tussled for a while in among the bushes; the beast swiping at me with his huge paws, while I took to punching the foul creature about the face and snout. After what seemed like an eternity of such grappling, I realised that I was getting precisely nowhere.
As I contemplated my next move, the beast pinned me against the ground, it’s great jaws looming over my face, row upon row of sharp, dagger-like teeth bared at me. Fearing that I might become a rather delicious snack for the monster, I took my knee to the beast’s groin – a cheap shot maybe, but it was highly effective all the same. The creature roared angrily and loosened its grip upon me, then tended to its injured balls.
Once again, I noticed the incredibly humongous size of the creature’s genitals. Of course, they paled in comparison to my own, but they were of a not inconsiderable size nonetheless.
It was while I was contemplating the beast’s cock and balls that I suddenly hit upon a rather marvellous ruse to subdue the creature – I would perform the Venetian Cock Twist upon the furry fiend’s fleshy love-pole. I knew from first-hand experience just how effective the maneuver could be, so I reasoned it would be even more effective on such a titanic todger as the one before me.
With a course of action thus decided, I threw myself back onto the beast, much to its surprise. We wrestled for a bit, until I finally managed to grab a hold of the creature’s cock-shaft, at which point I began to twist upon it with all my might. Much to my chagrin, however, the beast failed to react in the manner which I had expected. In fact, he barely seemed to notice my efforts at all.
“Grimes!” I yelled out to the gormless gardener, who was doing his best to cower behind a shrub that was entirely to small to adequately hide him. “Grimes, get yourself over here, pronto! I fear I shall need an extra pair of hands for this terrible task!”
“I..I think yer doin’ just fine, milord,” Grimes replied. “It looks like the wee beastie is really enjoyin’ that. I mean, really enjoyin’ that.”
“What?” I snapped, and then I noticed that the monster’s member was becoming increasingly stiff in my hands. Rather than causing the beast pain, it seemed I was in fact working the demon up into a state of arousal. I was, in short, wanking the creature off.
“Keep goin’, milord!” cried Grimes. “Yer doin’ a grand job!”
“I can’t sit here all night tossing this bastard off!” I cried.
“Ya might not have a choice, milord. He’ll probably be really angry if you stop at this point.”
So there I was, trapped in the woods, and stuck between a cock and a hard place.
Whatever was I going to do?
- Lord Likely.
- Continue the deed until it reaches its inevitable conclusion.
- Cease before people start to talk.
- Give the beast a hearty punch to the balls instead.
UPDATE! The deadline has now been changed to 12:30 PM (GMT) on Thursday the First of May! So now there is positively NO excuse to not vote in this THRILLING poll!
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The last randomly-selected winner, who has thus earnt a free hyper-link placement upon his lordship’s journals, is…
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