Likely's Whore-Box


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"A journal so exciting, I fear I soiled myself no less than fourteen times."

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  • The Crest of Lord Likely

    21 April 2008

    In Which His Lordship Gets A Head-Ache

    April, 1857.

    “Well, come on then! What is that in your trousers, sir?” Lady Rydeham-Harde repeated.

    I looked down at the considerable bulge in my pocket, then looked up at the lady, then to Inspector Spunkleford, who was frantically nodding his head in the negative as if to suggest that I should definitely not whip out my proud Lord Palmerston in front of her ladyship.

    “Come on, man! Out with it!” shrieked Lady Rydeham-Harde. I did not need to be asked twice.

    “Well, since you ask, m’dear, I shall show you,” I said calmly, and then I unzipped my flies, and liberated my throbbing organ from within my trousers.

    “What on Earth is that?” gasped Lady Rydeham-Harde as she beheld my enormous erection.

    “Oh, come, m’dear. You must have seen a penis before.” I replied. “This is my mighty Lord Palmerston…please, feel free to touch him, if you like. He will not bite, although I cannot promise that he will not be sick upon you.”

    Her ladyship gently put out a hand towards my stiffened member, and then suddenly she grabbed it firmly in her hand, and began to twist it with all her force.

    “You are a filthy and disgusting individual, Mr. Likely,” she hissed, as she applied further pressure to my poor love-pump, causing my eyes to water. “I want you off my property immediately, else I shall be forced to have you shot where you stand. Do you understand?”

    “But I thought we – ” I squeaked.

    “DO YOU UNDERSTAND?” she repeated, tightening her grip.

    Ruddy Hell!” I wheezed. “Yes, yes. Very well, whatever you say, m’dear.”

    “I am not your dear, and nor shall I ever be your dear. Now, you have five minutes to remove yourself from my estate, or else next time I shall be removing this,” said Lady Rydeham-Harde, giving one final twist on my johnson. With her point clearly made, and my point clearly mauled, she released me and headed off back inside her house.

    Jesus cocking Christ!” I gasped. “What a woman! Did you see that, Spunkleford? That was the Venetian Cock Twist! Not many females know that particular maneuver, you know! Incredible…just incredible!”

    “I am very happy for you, Likely, but you have seriously jeopardized our investigation now! I knew you would balls it up…I just knew it!”

    “Calm yourself, Spunkleford! I am not going anywhere. Botter and I shall merely keep out of her ladyship’s way, and we will continue to investigate the murder of this poor, poor maid. I will not rest until we have solved the case – who knows, maybe her ladyship will reward me with another Venetian Cock Twist…”

    “Do you ever think with anything other than your penis, Likely?” sighed Spunkleford.

    “Well, it is my largest organ,” I explained.

    “‘Twas a beast,” another voice added.

    “Well, quite,” I said.

    “‘Twas a beast that killed this poor lass,” the voice continued, and then a rather scruffy-looking gent with a big, ginger beard appeared beside us, holding a lantern above the dead maid’s body. “No man did this, I tell you. ‘Twas a beast. A terrible beast!”

    “Well, thank you for your invaluable contribution, Mr…?”

    Grimes. I’m Grimes, the gardener,” said Grimes, the gardener.

    “Ah, yes. You found the body!” Spunkleford said.

    “What? You mean to say you lost it again? I already found it once.”

    “No, I mean you were the man who discovered the body first, yes?”

    “Yes. Oh, yes.” Grimes replied, his eyes widening with horror as he recalled the incident. “I was jus’ doin’ my rounds, like, and then I heard an awful commotion over here. I came to see what all the hoo-ha was about, and lo and behold – I saw it.”

    “Saw what?” I asked.

    “It. The thing. The beast. A big, hairy, lumbering great creature, it was. An’ he was crouched over the maid, tearin’ at her flesh. I yelled and shouted at ‘im, and waved my pitch-fork about, then the creature ran off into the dark and scary woods, over there,” Grimes explained, pointing to a wood which did indeed look dark and scary.

    “I…see.” I said, feeling increasingly unsure as to Grimes’ mental stability.

    “Listen, Likely,” Spunkleford said. “Her ladyship will be back soon, so you’d better make yourself scarce, lest you lose your manhood.”

    Spunkleford was right. But where to go?

    - Lord Likely.

    Now YOU control the adventure!

    Where Should Lord Likely Go?
      1. Into the Dark and Scary Woods
      2. Home, as clearly Grimes is a nut-bar
      3. Stay put, and see if her ladyship carries out her threat?
    Once you have decided which course of action his lordship should embark upon, either leave us a comment stating which choice you favour, OR if you are too lazy and/or too incredibly stupid to use words and sentences, then you may utilise the splendid Vote-O-Matic below:

    Where Should Lord Likely Go?
    ( surveys)
    You have until 22:00 hours PM(GMT) on Wednesday the Twenty-Second of April to cast your vote.

    As an added incentive, one randomly-selected winning voter will be rewarded with a gratuitous link to their web-page in the next thrilling installment. But please note – we shall only be able to award said prize if you let us know which action you chose!

    The last randomly-selected winner, who has thus earnt a free hyper-link placement upon his lordship’s journals, is…

    Congratulations to you, m’dear!

    Now choose wisely, dear readers…his lordship is in YOUR HANDS now.

    *****
    Notes, Notices and Notifications

    The Further Scrawlings of Mr. A.D Fanton:
    Digital Sickbag | New! gaup
    The Carrotty Kid
    The Best Bit of the Internet (R.I.P)

    Other places of interest:
    The Clay Pigeon

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    Comments

    18 incredible interjections thus far.

    Mars

    what are these words and sentences you are speaking of?

    Mars, April 21st, 2008 at 5:06 am

    Gorilla Bananas

    M’lud, it seems that both the beast and her ladyship are getting away with murder! You must make a stand and give them both a taste of your steel!

    Gorilla Bananas, April 21st, 2008 at 5:13 am

    Alex Mcone

    I won! Ha, ha … I never win!

    Ok, since you’ve had your Venusian Cock Twist, m’Lord, you must have considerable amount of ardrenaline flowing through you. I say … go for the darned beastie.

    Alex Mcone, April 21st, 2008 at 5:16 am

    Claire

    I must say that I am rather taken with this adventure, tis rather exciting.

    Into the dark scary woods with you.

    Claire, April 21st, 2008 at 7:26 am

    Sogeshirtsguy

    I voted that you shall stay for another venusian cock twist but the woods are good too. Lord likely needs his own movie he is excellent.

    Sogeshirtsguy, April 21st, 2008 at 10:28 am

    Lord Andrew of Goulding

    Yes, into the woods and then spray her with a Palmerston Pina Colada, an admittedly cowardly act…but funny.

    ADG

    Lord Andrew of Goulding, April 21st, 2008 at 1:24 pm

    Olga, the Traveling Bra

    Lord Palmerston would probably enjoy a little trip into the woods ’bout now…so you could ponder the possibilities…privately.

    Olga, the Traveling Bra, April 21st, 2008 at 2:44 pm

    Canucklehead

    I’m far from a detective of any sort but based solely on the description provided by this Grimes chap, that gorilla bananas fellow about 7 up from me here may warrant a closer investigation …

    Canucklehead, April 22nd, 2008 at 5:00 am

    BecauseIcan

    Lord Likely has unfinished business with her lady Rydeham Harde..
    He should see if she is a lady of her word before heading off to the woods..

    BecauseIcan, April 22nd, 2008 at 9:49 am

    Lord Likely

    Good day, one and all!

    mars, do not fear the words and sentences. Embrace them. Love them. Rub yourself up against them.

    Mr. Bananas, I am desperately trying to give her ladyship a taste of my steel, believe me.

    alex mcone, congratulations on your sterling victory! The same comment goes for your second reply, too!

    My dear Claire, I am only too pleased to have taken you, m’dear. Onwards and upwards!

    Welcome sogeshirtsguy, thank you for stopping by. And you are absolutely, damnably correct – I should be given my own motion picture. Let us start petitioning Hollywood right away!

    Lord Andrew, a ‘Palmerston Pina Colada’, you say? That sounds like a cocktail with an awful lot of cock in it. I like it!

    Dear Olga, maybe if I take Lord Palmerston into the woods, we can finally resolve that age-old question: if a man gets an erection in the woods, and no-one is around to see it, does one still get aroused?

    canucklehead, Mr. Bananas is always under my watchful gaze. You can never be too sure about those simian types, you know.

    And finally, a warm welcome to becauseican. It is always a delight to see another beautiful female face among my ranks. And you are right: I do need to sort Lady Rydeham-Harde out. RIGHT OUT.

    Toodle-pip!

    - Lord Likely.

    Lord Likely, April 22nd, 2008 at 1:27 pm

    Lord Likely

    Also, is anyone else as moist with excitement as I, with regards to the sheer closeness of the votes to-day?

    I fear I may have soiled myself with anticipation!

    And urine.

    - Lord Likely.

    Lord Likely, April 22nd, 2008 at 1:28 pm

    Theresa H. Hall

    Seems to me she is a strong woman and you should take your leave without any further … ouch, embarrassment or pain. She might really hurt you if there is a next time. Play it safe and look for your jollies elsewhere, Lord Likely.

    Lady Laura

    Theresa H. Hall, April 22nd, 2008 at 1:48 pm

    Linda

    ‘Tis my opinion that yourself and Lord Palmerston should go forth into the dark and scary woods and take on the beast. No doubt you and your mighty sword could fell the felon – or at least poke his eye out!

    Linda, April 22nd, 2008 at 3:44 pm

    Nunyaa

    If Likely’s cock is that big, then he can shove it down her throat to shut the psycho up.

    Nunyaa, April 23rd, 2008 at 12:50 am

    Claire

    nunyaa disturbs me.

    Claire, April 23rd, 2008 at 3:59 am

    Lord Likely

    Good day, friends!

    Dear Theresa, I appreciate your concern for my well-being, m’dear! I would hate for any further injury to befall my Palmerston. It’d be terrible for all woman-kind, too.

    Linda, my proud Palmerston can indeed fell any beast, and even slay a dragon, as this post proves!

    nunyaa, there is no ‘if’. It really is THAT big.

    Claire, nunyaa slightly arouses me, I must say.

    Toodle-pip!

    - Lord Likely.

    Lord Likely, April 23rd, 2008 at 4:36 am

    Daniel

    M’lord – mayhaps you shouldst lie down beside the slain maid to better envision her misfortune and thus be invisible to her ladyship should she arrive soonest.

    Daniel, April 23rd, 2008 at 5:55 am

    Lord Likely

    I like the way you think, good sir!

    Lord Likely, April 25th, 2008 at 9:46 am

    Speak Forth to the Lord

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    About His Lordship

    Lord Likely was a renowned member of the English aristocracy in the Victorian era. Tales of his exhilarating, enthralling and highly erotic exploits were legendary, but only now have his own, personal diaries resurfaced (found in a branch of Help the Aged in Swindon), shedding light on the life of this extraordinary eccentric.

    Warning: these journals contain material that some people may find terribly offensive, or incredibly arousing

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