08 April 2008
It Was Possibly A Dark and Stormy Night
It was a dark and stormy night.
I know that is a terribly clichÃ©d way to commence a tale, but it also happens to be fact in this instance. It was a dark and stormy night. There was darkness, there was a storm and it was the night-time; thus all three of the crucial elements of a dark and stormy night were indeed present.
What else could I say in these circumstances? I suppose I could deploy rather more florid terms, and claim that the night was ‘bereft of light’ and that the ‘wind howled like a dog with its knackers trapped in a door’, but I fear that is rather too much. We are all busy people, and therefore our story-telling needs to be succinct and to the point, so we can move on through the tale quickly and resume our day-to-day business of rutting and stuffing our faces with processed meats.
Bugger me! I have already wasted two perfectly good paragraphs on my opening line. This is getting none of us anywhere, you know.
So: it was a dark and stormy night.
Actually, now I think about it, it was not really that stormy. There were strong winds bellowing through the tress, that is for certain. But I do not recall them being particularly vigourous. Maybe they had enough force to knock a gentle-man’s hat from atop his head, but I do not think they were in any danger of lifting the roofs from houses, or upturning carriages, or throwing livestock about the place as if they were rag-dolls.
So: it was a dark and rather windy (but not too windy) night.
Of course, when I say ‘dark’ I do not mean to infer that it was pitch-black outside. It was dark, of that I am certain, but I distinctly remember the moon shining full and bright, and besides which the Likely Estate is well-equipped with many outside light fittings, which were all working perfectly. That fact alone only serves to reinforce the point that it could not have been a very stormy night, else they’d have probably been blown out, or torn free from their fixtures.
So: it was a slightly dark but well-lit and rather windy (but not too windy) night.
Was it night time? Or would it be more accurate to state that it was late-evening? Where does one draw the line between evening and full-on night-time, I wonder? Is there a specific hour where evening becomes night-time, and if so what hour is it?
Hmm. This is rather more problematic than I had imagined…
- Lord Likely.
- Get on with the ruddy story, man!
- Please, do tell us more about this dark and stormy night.
- His lordship should have a wank immediately, to help clear (both) his heads.
Once you have decided which course of action his lordship should embark upon, either leave a comment stating which choice you favour, OR if you are too lazy and bloody bone-idle to use words to convey your decision, you may like to simply use this handy-dandy voting device to indicate your preference:
You have until midnight on the Eleventh of April to cast your vote. And as an added incentive, one randomly-selected winning voter will be rewarded with a gratuitous link to their web-page in the next thrilling installment.
Choose wisely, dear readers…his lordship is in YOUR HANDS now.
His greatness, Lord Likely, has just completed composing an article about masturbation for the entirely excellent British Speak web-log. Go there immediately to read his lordship’s fantastic offering, and discover some brand new euphemisms along the way. Entertaining AND arousing.