Likely's Whore-Box


Praise For Lord Likely

"A journal so exciting, I fear I soiled myself no less than fourteen times."

THE DAILY NEWS SHEET

"Utterly wonderful. Upon reading Lord Likely's diaries, I went out and set fire to a homeless wretch to celebrate."

THE LONDON LOOKER

"I ejaculated so hard, my library had to be closed off for an entire week."

LORD FISHSTICK'S NEWSPAPER

"Everyone should buy a copy of these diaries, then have sex with them."

THE ILLUSTRATED JOURNAL OF NEWS

"Hear ye, hear ye, Lord Likely is fucking ace!"

THE TOWN CRIER

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  • The Crest of Lord Likely

    21 September 2008

    A Very Old Flame

    September, 1857.

    We all headed towards the large, oak doors of St. Bumthrusty’s School for Boys; Botter lagging slightly behind the rest of us, nursing his freshly clobbered cranium.

    Class of 1832, Please Proceed This Way‘, read a sign affixed to the door, an arrow indicating that we should head around the side of the building, and enter via the back-door.

    Pffft,” I snorted dismissively, tearing the sign down. “We aristocrats never use the side-door, and we certainly never use the back-door!”

    “That’s not what I had heard,” Inspector Spunkleford commented wryly.

    I raised a weary eyebrow at the disrespectful detective, then I pushed the heavy old doors wide open, and went back to school.

    My eyes widened as I beheld the all-too familiar surroundings; ghosts of my past shuffling silently through the empty corridors; raucous, disembodied laughter echoing down the winding staircases; the sound of a spectral school-bell ushering the apparitions of my school-days back to their classrooms.

    It was quite enough to drive a man to drink, I can tell you. Luckily, I had already been driven to drink and left there many years before, and so I swigged heartily from my hip-flask as more memories jostled for position in my noble head.

    Bugger me,” I said finally. “I fear this nostalgia is becoming rather too much. So many ruddy memories…”

    Lord Likely?” an unfamiliar voice interjected. “Lord Likely, is that you?”

    This was the second time I had been successfully recognised from behind in one day. I suppose that is what comes of having such unforgettably pert and muscular buttocks as I do.

    I turned around slowly, and beheld the sight of a rather stern-looking old lady, dressed all in black, seated on an old wicker chair. I did not instantly recognise this elderly crone, but as I leant forward and looked into her eyes, I saw a flicker, a spark, that I had seen many times before.


    “Good heavens!” I gasped, drawing back in horror. “Mrs. Agnes Cum-Loudly?”

    “Oh-hoh!” beamed the old buzzard, revealing a smile bereft of teeth. “So you still remember your old Latin teacher, do you? Still remember my little pet-name, I hear!”

    “Oh!” Spunkleford exclaimed. “So this is the lady who you…well, y’know…uh…”

    “Oh, I’ll say he did,” cackled the aged Mrs. Wilkens/Cum-Loudly.

    Veni, vidi, vici…” I whispered in quite recollection. “I came, I saw…”

    “…And he bloody well conquered!” Mrs. Cum-Loudly finished, shrieking with delight. I sighed quietly. This whole episode was proving quite traumatic for me; pumping Mrs. Agnes Cum-Loudly whilst she was a firm-buttocked, heavily-knockered TWWIWLTF (Teacher With Whom I Would Like To Fornicate) had been a source of great pride to my younger self. Now, watching the saggy, wrinkled, old prune before me recount our sordid tryst was making me feel rather nauseous, and furthermore it was causing my poor Lord Palmerston to recede into himself – an inverse erection, if you like.

    “Oh, Likely here was very good at getting to grips with the Latin tongue,” Mrs. Cum-Loudly continued, clearly relishing the visible discomfort I was currently expressing. “He was also very good at getting to grips with the Latin tits, and all! And the Latin cun-”

    “Oh, do be quiet, you fetid old whore!” I barked, unable to stand the continued horror dealt upon me.

    “Oh-hoh! It’s no use getting all coy now, Likely! My oh my, you were anything but coy back in school! I could barely keep him off me at times. Randy little thing, he was.”

    “Still is,” Spunkleford chimed in, taking a similar glee in the awkwardness bestowed upon me.

    “I had heard,” Mrs. Cum-Loudly beamed. “What say we have another go, for old time’s sake, eh?”

    “I would rather thrust my penis into a crocodile’s gaping jaws, then loudly besmirch the good name of his mother,” I snapped.

    “Oh, come on, boy!” Mrs. Cum-Loudly grinned. “I’ve been reading all about you and your erotic escapades! Why, I’ll bet you’ve learnt some things on your travels, eh? What say the pupil teaches the teacher, hmm? Doesn’t that sound like fun?” she added, licking her craggy lips with her wretched old tongue.

    “Listen, you dried-up old tart, I will never – ” I began, but was interrupted by an ear-piercing scream, followed by a far more attractive young lady running to our side.

    “You have got to help!” the pretty young thing gasped, her pleasantly fulsome bosom heaving due to her recent exertions. “In the dining room…there…there is a dead man! There has been another murder!”

    “Well thank fuck for that!” I cried, earning myself some rather curious looks from the assembled group. “Um…that is to say, this is of course terrible news, and must be investigated at once!”

    With that, we all dashed off, but as we left Mrs. Cum-Loudly behind, I could not help but hear her call out after me:

    “Ego mos habitum vestri penis iterum!”

    Disgusting old cow.

    - Lord Likely.

    Next Time in The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely: Another Stiff in Bumthrusty’s!

    A Weekend of Wonder For Lord Likely!

    These past couple of days have been nothing but astonishing for his lordship. Firstly, as mentioned previously, The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely were selected as one of the ‘Best of the Web‘ on The Guardian newspaper’s website. I believe this distinction lasts until Monday, so if the link has expired, feel free to go to Mr. A D Fanton’s web-log to see the honour in all its glory (and be sure to offer some sympathy to Master Fanton, who lost his job on Friday, the useless no-good).

    Secondly, these self-same journals have been given a wonderful review by Mr. Chris Poirier, over on The Web Fiction Guide. I am sure you will agree, he has been utterly fair, even if he did misplace the fifth star somewhere.

    Thirdly, Chelle B, the eminently humpable hostess of humorbloggers.com, has seen fit to honour his lordship by highlighting his journals in the humor spotlight for this entire week. Go forth and bask in the glory, and join up whilst you are there. It is an awfully excellent place, you know. And funny, too!

    Finally, but by no means leastly, his lordship has been either honoured or praised by other wondrous web-loggers, including the ever-agreeable Max from British Speak, Mr. Chris Wood, and The Heliograph. Hooray for you all!

    Good heavens. At this rate, his lordship’s head will swell to such a size, that no hat will fit him.

    Many thanks to each and every one of the above, and to my regular ravishing readers for sticking with TAAoLL. Now let us hope that all of this is just the beginning of a whole new Golden Age of Likely! HUZZAH!

    humor-blogs.com, meanwhile, still refuses to work properly.

    The Likely Empire – Further Reading for Disturbed Minds.

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    Comments

    16 incredible interjections thus far.

    Andrew Goulding Articles

    Congratulations to Lord Likely, commiserations to Fanton, happy ejaculations to all.

    Andrew Goulding

    Andrew Goulding Articles, September 21st, 2008 at 5:42 pm

    Alex L

    I hope to hear more about the fulsome young bossom and the lady its attached to in the next instalment. I’m sure the talented Mr Fanton will find some new work soon.

    Alex L, September 21st, 2008 at 10:22 pm

    Gorilla Bananas

    Perhaps Botter should have been ordered to give the old crone one for old time’s sake. How will his lordship deal with an influx of Guardian readers?

    Gorilla Bananas, September 21st, 2008 at 10:31 pm

    nursemyra

    oh poor Master Fanton. does he need some attention fronm the nurse? perhaps I could kiss it better…..

    nursemyra, September 22nd, 2008 at 2:24 am

    Jeffman

    Whilst all this rumness unfolds, I have been meaning to ask his Lordship how he feels about being honoured in the liberal press. Surely a man of your standing would see their printing presses smashed and their buildings razed to the ground for spreading seditious literature.

    I do trust that now the link has expired, you will be dispatching a gang of toughs and ruffians to their offices to administer a swift and most deserved retribution for crimes against the landed gentry.

    Jeffman, September 22nd, 2008 at 11:47 am

    Chris Wood

    I am honoured beyond belief with a mention on your Lordship’s page, and have spent the last hour throwing fireworks at Socialists to celebrate.

    Chris Wood, September 22nd, 2008 at 1:37 pm

    Olga, the Traveling Bra

    Fifthly…(I think that’s it)….I hear someone is having a birthday?!?!?!??? Soon…ish?

    On the otherhand…ya can’t always believe what you read in the blogosphere…except here on YOUR blog of course, my dearest Lord Likely! Oh, and on mine too.

    “Porro ago Rutilus Aevum of Amo!!”

    Olga, the Traveling Bra, September 22nd, 2008 at 6:31 pm

    Theresa H. Hall

    Happy Birthday To You
    Happy Birthday To You
    Happy Birthday Dear Lord Likely
    Happy Birthday To You!

    Lady Laura

    Theresa H. Hall, September 23rd, 2008 at 7:31 am

    Jeffman

    May I wish his Lordship many happy returns for the day, and let him know that I have set light to a small child in his honour.

    Jeffman, September 23rd, 2008 at 8:20 am

    Chris Wood

    Huzzah for his Lordship’s anniversary! I am catching venereal disease as I type this in celebration.

    Chris Wood, September 23rd, 2008 at 10:18 am

    John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer

    Hmm… Very scary. As a younger man, I conquered many a MILF, only to return to women my own age. Yes, I realized that a woman 15 to 20 years my elder was hot when I was 21, but that their fruits would long be shrivelled before my own.

    John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer, September 23rd, 2008 at 11:27 am

    Bill Blunt

    Sir, I understand from missives I have received that it is the anniversary of your birth.

    Someday, I am sure, this will be a national holiday. Until then, I’ll take the day off work tomorrow to celebrate – I hope you enjoy my day off work as much as I do!

    All the best

    Bill

    Bill Blunt, September 23rd, 2008 at 1:11 pm

    Lord Likely

    Good day, all! Apologies for the delayed reply to your many comments. I was so busy adventuring that I had quite overlooked my birthday, and so when I realised the date I immediately went out and got so drunk I could no longer feel my legs. HUZZAH!

    By a bizarre turn of events, it is also Mr. Fanton’s birthday too. But no-one should really pay heed to that awful jobless swine.

    Right. Nest thing: the replies…

    Lord Likely, September 24th, 2008 at 6:49 am

    Lord Likely

    Lord Andrew of Goulding: many thanks indeed…but I do hope you will clear up after yourself, sir.

    Alex L, I too hope to delve deeper into this fine filly’s back-story. Of course, by ‘back-story’, I do mean vagina.

    Mr. Bananas, I have prepared for The Guardian-reading masses by removing all traces of bigotry and prejudice from my journals, and editing out all the terrible, foul language.

    That should endear myself to those limp-wristed, Communist bastards!

    Oh shit.

    Dearest, delectable Nurse Myra, I daresay Mr. Fanton would leap at the chance to have one as divine as yourself kiss any of his ‘its’ better, but I do not think he is at all worthy as one as sumptuously spectacular as you! No, he shall be allowed one, sole ‘commiseration wank’, and then it shall be back to work for him!

    Jeffman, sir, I am nothing if not liberal myself. VERY liberal, in fact. But maybe, just to be on the safe side, I shall instruct the breaking of some left-wing legs.

    Mr. Wood, your act has reminded me of an old saying of my father’s: ‘Red sky at night, Socialists alight.’ Ah, what jolly times we had.

    Heavens. I am only half-way through the replies here, such is my overwhelming generosity with words. I shall have a quick reprieve, and then continue, any…minute…

    Lord Likely, September 24th, 2008 at 7:03 am

    Lord Likely

    …NOW!

    Olga, my dear, the occasion of my birthday was news to me too, I can tell you! Oh, and in light of your lovely Latin sentiment, may I just add: ‘may vestri cups exsisto forever plenus’. Or something.

    Darling Theresa, many thanks indeed for your lovely verse. I am quite touched (frequently).

    Jeffman, many thanks indeed, sir. I should warn you, however: never return to a small child once it has been lit. Safety first, you know!

    Mr. Wood, thank you kindly! Also, I had no idea it was VD Day again already, My, doesn’t the time fly?

    Mr. Savo, I concur wholeheartedly. No-one cares much for an awful, shrivelled old fruit. Not when there may be a lush, ripe pear in the vicinity!

    Mr. Blunt, I appreciate your commitment to celebrating my birthday, good sir! And may I echo your desire to see this day celebrated as a national holiday, a marvellous idea. Of course, it would not make much difference to me, as I am pretty much always on holiday. But still, it is a nice thought!

    Phew! And now I am spent. I think I shall go and polish off some of the rum in my liquor cabinet, and then maybe polish off my Lord Palmerston.

    Toodle-pip!

    - Lord Likely.

    Lord Likely, September 24th, 2008 at 7:16 am

    blaine_fridley

    congrats on the props from the guardian!

    blaine_fridley, October 2nd, 2008 at 1:34 pm

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    About His Lordship

    Lord Likely was a renowned member of the English aristocracy in the Victorian era. Tales of his exhilarating, enthralling and highly erotic exploits were legendary, but only now have his own, personal diaries resurfaced (found in a branch of Help the Aged in Swindon), shedding light on the life of this extraordinary eccentric.

    Warning: these journals contain material that some people may find terribly offensive, or incredibly arousing

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