19 September 2008
Back to Bumthrusty’s
Having assured myself that my wretched man-servant, Botter, was not trying to expediate my exit from this life to the next, I turned my attention back to the fact that there was a twisted fiend still on the loose, who had not only murdered a teacher at my old school but who had threatened the same fate upon my lordly self. I had to track this bounder down, and swiftly bring him to justice.
Also, I was rather keen to bash his face into a pulp for even entertaining the notion of slaughtering one as incredible as I.
A hansom cab carried us to the scene of the grizzly crime, the school which I had attended in my early years: St. Bumthrusty’s School For Boys.
As we drew up outside the educational establishment in which I had spent my formative years, I noticed that the old place had barely changed in the ensuing years since my attendance. It still looked as curiously monochrome as I remembered, although it no longer seemed as imposing as it had seemed to my young eyes. Whether that was due to the fact that I was now considerably taller than I was back then, or whether the building had shrunk in the elapsed time, I could not tell. Plus I was rather tipsy, having sipped heartily on my hip-flask of whiskey during our journey.
We all quickly exited the hansom cab, although I must confess that my exit was rather less than graceful, as I seemed to fall out of the cab, rather than step out of it in a dignified manner. Furthermore, I then threw up on the pavement.
Having emptied my stomach thusly, I took the time to soak in the familiar surroundings.
“Ah, yes,” I smiled, as we walked up to the school. “‘Tis all coming back to me now.”
“Oh dear! Are you going to be sick again, milord?” Botter interjected.
“Silence, you irksome bell-end,” I snapped. “I am taking a brief dip in the waters of nostalgia.”
“I think he is really, really drunk,” Botter whispered to Inspector Spunkleford. “He thinks he’s in a river or something.”
I ignored my stupid servant’s blatherings, too wrapped up in the various memories staggering through the booze-fogged haze of my mind.
“Ah, yes,” I smiled, pointing to a wall half-hidden by a large tree. “That was where Ginger Nadgers and I were caught smoking. Heavens, we got in terrible trouble that day. And over there,” I continued, pointing to a part of the courtyard. “There is where Tugger Johnson and I once set fire to Harold Loathsome’s boots. Haha! How we laughed! Well Loathsome did not find it so funny, but he was a bloody twat-hole, so it did not matter.”
“You certainly had the most colourful school-days, Likely,” Spunkleford observed.
“I’ll say!” I beamed. “Why I can still remember the day three of us got blind, roaring drunk on one of the School-Master’s secret stash of gin. We were all discovered, naked and completely comatosed, in that hedge, over there,” I indicated, chuckling at the memory, which Spunkleford echoed. “And right over there,” I said, pointing to a doorway just out of sight. “Is where I gave Mrs. Agnes Wilkins, my old Latin teacher, a damned good rogering, when I was just fourteen years old.”
Spunkleford stopped chuckling, and regarded me with open-mouthed astonishment.
“Good lord, Likely!” he exclaimed.
“Good? She was alright, as I recall. Rather noisy, though. ‘Agnes Cum Loudly‘, I called her. It was a surprise we were never discovered in the act with her screaming and gasping like that.”
I strolled off, lost in my thoughts, leaving a rather shocked Spunkleford in my wake.
“Is that you, Likely?” came a voice behind me, interrupting my particularly erotic reminiscences. I turned sharply on my heels, to face a tall, angular gent with receding hair.
“It is I,” I confirmed.
“I thought it was!” the man beamed. “I recognised your vomit on the side of the road, there. I thought, ‘only one chap can spew in such a perfect circle – that simply has to be Likely’! And I was right! It bally well is you!”
“In the handsome flesh,” I said. “You shall have to forgive me, sir, but I am struggling to place a name to your face. It may be that I am still slightly drunk from earlier, or it could be that we have met before, but you are simply to dull and uninteresting to remember…”
“Ha!” cried the man. “That old Likely humour! Well, I cannot say that I am surprised that you do not remember me, as time has not been so kind to me. The hair is a little further back now, and the colour is somewhat dimmed, but it is I, Likely…Ginger Nadgers!”
“Ruddy hell!” I roared, taking Ginger’s hand in mine and shaking it furiously. “Ginger! What are the ruddy odds? Why, I was just talking about you mere moments ago, you know. Tell me, do you recall the time we were caught smoking behind that tree, there? And that day we were found passed out in that hedge by the wall, there?”
Ginger guffawed heartily as the memories flooded back to him, and we both began babbling at high speed, throwing out memories in all directions, and roaring with laughter at some of our more outrageous exploits.
“Bugger me,” I said, wiping a tear from my lordly eye. “We really were a bunch of terrible reprobates back then, were we not?”
“Indeed!” Ginger agreed. “Although I would say some us are just as bad to-day, eh, Likely?”
“Too bloody right!” I grinned, slapping Ginger heartily on the back. “‘Bummers ‘Til We Die’, eh?”
“Bummers ‘Til We Die!‘” Ginger repeated, hollering our old school motto at the top of his lungs.
“So what brings you back to this old place anyway?” I enquired of my old chum.
“Why, the reunion, of course!” Ginger explained. “Is that not why you are here, Likely?”
“Reunion? I do not recall anything about any reunion. Botter!” I yelled, summoning my miserable man-servant to my side. “Why was I not informed about this reunion, hmm?”
“Uh, well, milord…” Botter stammered. “It’s…well, I…you…”
“Spit it out man!” I bellowed. “Or heaven help me I shall drag it out of you through your filthy anus!”
“Well, you did recieve an invitation, milord. Do you not remember? You told me to throw it in the fire, because you were not inclined to attend as you considered all your former classmates to be…now what was it you said?….ah, yes. You described them as ‘awful, shit-stabbing cretins, who have all amounted to precisely nothing, and who are worth less than a pube on a gnat’s sack.’” Botter concluded.
There was a distictly awkward silence. I regarded Ginger with a weak smile, but found it not quickly reciprocated. Indeed, Ginger’s demeanour had changed considerably, and he was now glowering at me with visible disdain.
“Ha!” I laughed. “You shall have to forgive my man-servant here. He is suffering from a most terrible concussion.”
“I…I’m not suffering from a concussion,” Botter countered, to which I replied by thumping him heavily atop his head, forcing him to collapse to the floor like a sack of particularly unappealing potatoes.
“Shall we go and join in the revelries?” I asked Ginger.
- Lord Likely.
The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely have finally been recognised for their excellence by the national press. To-day, Likely’s journals have been selected as one of the Best on the Web on The Guardian’s website.
Please go here, and peruse the bottom right-hand side: http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree Huzzah, and indeed, hoorah!
Next Time in the Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely: Likely runs into an old flame!
humor-blogs.com never went to school.
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Hungry for more inter-net based fiction? Then may I suggest you peruse The Web Fiction Guide, Pages Unbound or The Blog Fiction Blog, all of which are thoroughly excellent, due in no small part to the fact that I am listed with them all. Huzzah!