The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely

Finding one’s self caught between two ladies is normally something I would relish, but my current situation was far from as straightforward as I would have liked.

Having found myself completely smitten with the ridiculously rumpable Dorothy Mount-Worthy, I now found myself reminded of a previous engagement with Maud Dreadful, the daughter of a miserable old judge who had desperately wanted to lock me away on charges of indecent exposure, a fate I had escaped only by promising to escort his daughter to an upmarket eatery this very eve.

It would require some deft footwork and a dazzling display of duplicitousness to prevent the two from ever meeting, and to spare me the indignity of another stretch in the cells.

I did not know much about Maud, the daughter of the esteemed, if somewhat tetchy and noose-happy Judge Joseph Dreadful. As I drew closer to the study wherein she was currently housed, I hoped to goodness that she was not a foul wench, or grotesquely obese, or cursed with a face like a veteran’s cleft.

I gingerly opened the door to my study, and was immediately greeted by a cry of “BASTARD!”, as one of my gold-tipped fountain pens embedded itself firmly in the door frame next to my head.

So much for Botter’s plan to keep the irate female away from any sharpened objects. I would have to thrash him later for this particular oversight.

“Um…good day?” I ventured, as I slowly crept into the study.

And lo and behold, there she was; a gratifyingly striking blonde, with all her curves present and correct, and a low-cut dress that seemed to cry, “Please, do ogle my magnificent mammaries.”

I was very much relieved.

“By Jupiter’s Giant Japs’ Eye!” I gasped. “Why, you’re positively gorgeous!”

“Your smooth-talking won’t help you now,” snapped Maud, snatching up another pen from my desk. “Seven O’Clock, you said! Seven O’Clock! Where have you been?”

“Well, you see…my watch stopped working, m’dear, and I completely lost track of time!” I said, taking out my perfectly-functioning pocket-watch and shaking my head sadly in mock-disbelief.

“Let me see that,” Maud said, her voice positively dripping with scepticism.

“That won’t be necessary, m’dear,” I replied. “It is completely and utterly buggered, I’m afraid. ‘Tis terribly tedious to look at right now.”

“Then let me see it,” Maud continued.

As quick as a flash, I removed the pocket watch from its chain, and hurled the timepiece through the window, which shattered noisily as the watch hit it.

“See?” I beamed. “Completely and utterly destroyed.”

Maud scowled at me. “Daddy will not be happy to hear that you stood me up, your lordship,” she threatened. “He won’t like this one little bit.”

“Oh, Maud!” I smiled, strolling over to the dear girl. “Oh Maud, my dear darling…darling. What is time, anyway, hmmm? ‘Tis an artificial, man-made construct, of interest only to chefs and accountants. Love does not run on a schedule! The very notion! Love is unfettered and free, my dear! Seven O’Clock, Eight O’Clock, this year, the next…who cares, as long as we are together? Why watch the seconds tick aimlessly away, when I could stare into your beautiful eyes, and live for an eternity?”

I watched Maud’s face closely, hoping that my hastily-improvised bit of flannel had succeeded in curbing her temper. Slowly but surely, her features softened, and a gentle smile crept across her face.

“That…that was beautiful,” she simpered.

“Yes, it was rather,” I agreed. “Now, what say you put that rotten old pen down? I have plenty of lead in my pencil, you know. How about we go and write a night of passion with it, hmm?”

Maud dropped the pen on the desk, and flung herself into my awaiting arms.

“You are so very adorable,” she cried, and then she kissed me long and hard on the lips.

Ruddy hell, Likely, I thought. You really are excellent sometimes.

After a cursory glance outside the study, to ensure that my other date – the equally delectable Dorothy – was still out of sight, Maud and I ran hand-in-hand up the stairs, towards my bed-chamber.

“Oh, my lord!” Maud gasped. “Take me! Take me all the way to Ecstasy Island!”

“My barge is ready and waiting,” I answered. “Feel free to climb aboard!”

With that, we threw ourselves into another passionate embrace, and fell into my bedroom, hungrily exploring each others’ mouths with our tongues. As we did so, I suddenly noticed the exquisite figure of Dorothy sitting on the edge of my bed, wearing nothing but a corset and a big, suggestive smile.

I stopped dead in my tracks, partly out of shock, and partly because Dorothy’s corset had pushed her glorious globes together in such a manner that they now ressembled a beautifully succulent peach, which I desperately wanted to suck upon.

“Um…good evening,” I said weakly, as Maud stopped kissing my cheek and set eyes upon the scantily-clad strumpet.

There was a momentarily awkward silence.

“Erm, Maud, my dear…this….this is the…the watch-maker! Yes, that is it! She has come to repair my poor pocket-watch. And that…that is her rather unusual uniform. If you think that is strange, then you should see where she keeps her tools! Ah-haha!” I laughed nervously, praying that my charm might work its magic once more.

The two ladies eyed each other up, and then before I knew what was happening, Maud had leapt on top of Dorothy, and the two were locking lips in a fit of unbridled passion.

“Oh!” I exclaimed. “I see you two have already met. Jolly good!”

“Rather,” said Dorothy, momentarily disentangling herself from Maud. “Maud and I have known each other for an age. We are very close friends.”

“And getting closer all the time,” I noted wryly, as the pair returned to giggling and groping one another, a spectacle I happily enjoyed in rapt silence for several erect minutes.

“My lord,” said Dorothy, rising up off the bed. “Would you care to join us, and…oh! I see you are already undressed.”

“Abso-ruddy-lutely!” I bellowed, having disrobed in a record time, and I was now standing in all my arse-naked glory (save for my top hat, naturally), a sight which caused both the beauties to gasp in admiration.

“Now, who is for a mighty cock sandwich?” I grinned.

As I said earlier, Fate can be a queer mistress. Sometimes she can knee you right in the nadgers, then other times she can thrust you firmly into a sexy threesome.

Toodle-pip!

- Lord Likely.

A Tale of Two Ladies was lovingly dedicated to the fantastically fanciable Kerry, and her ludicrously lovely friend, Sarah.

Any similarities to any person(s) living or dead is entirely erotic.

humor-blogs.com is also worth a pump.

Next Time in The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely: Something wonderful, I shouldn’t wonder.