21 May 2007
A Tidal Wave of Filth
21st of May, 1856
Being as astonishingly intelligent as I am, it should come as no surprise to learn that the Likely mansion boasts amongst its rooms an extremely well-stocked library. I have spent many a long afternoon in my library, leafing through the dusty old tomes that line its shelves, in the pursuit of knowledge and learning.
I also spend a fair amount of time in there pounding my Lord Palmerston, as it also houses my ever-growing collection of pornography, which I have accumulated from all over the world during my travels. From lithographs of ladies with exposed shoulders, to oil paintings of full-blown orgies involving men, women and wild tigers, I have it all.
Yet even I was unaware at how rapidly my hoard had grown, until earlier today, when I sent Botter to my library to fetch me a thesaurus, as I was writing a letter to my local politician and required additional synonyms for the word ‘nob-gobbler’.
Mere minutes after Botter had headed to the library, there came an almighty crashing sound, followed by a cry of despair from my hapless man-servant. I rushed upstairs, and found Botter trapped beneath a humongous pile of porn, which had evidently tumbled out of the library as soon as my stricken servant had opened its door. Luckily, none of the pornography was damaged in the incident, although Botter did receive a nasty bump on the head from a hardback collection of saucy limericks, and a broken foot from a cast-iron sculpture of a vagina.
As soon as I had stopped laughing at Botter’s latest misfortune, I began to ponder upon the problem of my ever-mounting stockpile of smut, and how to remedy this most literal of sticky situations. I briefly contemplated donating some of my precious porn to charity, but the thought of some wretched pauper bashing one out over my priceless silk embroidery of a Chinese prince inserting a length of bamboo into his anus sickened me, so I changed my mind.
I swiftly came to the conclusion that I would need to extend my library to better facilitate the storage of my palm-punishing pamphlets. Thus, I settled upon the idea of beginning work on a ‘porn library’, an extension to my existing library in which I would be able to carry out my own private ‘extensions’ in peace and comfort.
Enthused by the idea, I immediately set about sketching out my plans for this all-new chamber of chuff and chode. I have attached the diagram below:
- Lord Likely.