30 May 2007
A Treasure Among The Trash
May 31st, 1856
As I continue to trawl through my prized collection of pornography, readying the various items for display in my all-new Porn Library, I came across an astonishingly precious artifact. Luckily, a quick dab down with a dry cloth soon had it nice and clean again, and free of my ennobled ejaculate.
The artifact in question is a very rare, and extremely valuable painting, a replica of which I have reproduced below:
The painting is called the Moaning Lisa, and is an unseen follow up to Leonardo Da Vinci’s masterpiece, the Mona Lisa. Having painted the original portrait, Da Vinci had evidently asked his model to strike a saucier pose, resulting in this picture of Lisa clearly exploring her womanhood with her fingers. Da Vinci had quickly painted as she was in the the throes of sexual ecstasy, and captured her climactic moment on canvas. It truly is a beautiful painting, masterfully encapsulating the girl’s burgeoning sexuality and portraying the sheer joy of onanism in a subtle and extremely tender manner.
“Blimey,” said Botter, ruining my ruminations as he entered the room. “Is she fingerin’ herself, milord?”
I sighed. Botter could be awfully crude at times.
“Botter, you are truly a philistine.”
“No, milord, I think you’ll find I was born in Peckham,” came the blank reply. I chose to pass over my servant’s demonstrable idiocy, and barked my orders at him.
“Botter, I wish this painting to be the centerpiece of my new library. See that it is ensconced in my wall-safe immediately.”
“Righto, sir!” chirped Botter.
“Oh, and Botter,” I added, as my man-servant man-handled the masterpiece out of the room. “Do be very, very careful with that painting. It is extremely valuable and, unlike you, irreplaceable. Should you leave so much as a mark on it, I will quite literally tear your balls off.”
“Gotcha,” said Botter, and departed.
I cannot wait for my new library to be completed, so that I can properly display the Moaning Lisa to the world. I daresay that further fame and fortune may be thrust upon me when I finally unveil the portrait, and at the very least I will have a marvelous new picture over which I can crack one out.
Everyone is a winner.
- Lord Likely.