The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely

08 May 2008

Bummage and Quim

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c/o Sir Henry Felchington
Bummage & Quim Home Decor Ltd.
Felchington Estate
Cummington Palace
Cummington
CU72 9XV

Sir Henry Felchington,

On the birth of our saviour in the year of 1856 just passed, my good wife presented me with a gift of incredible magnitude, a full scale crystal replica of the phallus belonging to esteemed adventurer and aristocrat, Lord Likely.

I awaited until the 28th day of December before visiting your Bummage & Quim emporium on the Felchington Estate and upon arrival, I explained to one of your servants that I required a strong, sturdy formula which would secure the art piece well above our fireplace.

One of your servants kindly suggested “Dr. Euston Cockrot’s ‘All-Tight’ Formula“, an experimental substance concocted from semen of urchin and phlegm of wench which to the best of my knowledge, has received acclaim from Lord John Rimming the Forth, an expert within the field of home decor.

We purchased the adhesive for a total of four shillings and thruppence before making our way home. On route, we paid visit to Direct Empire Ltd., an established firm dedicated solely to the insurance of household goods. There, we paid a total of two crowns and a shilling to insure Lord Likely’s phallus against damage and theft.

December 31st came and to celebrate the coming of the New Year, I wished to erect the monolithic appendage above the fireplace as intended. Using “Dr. Euston Cockrot’s ‘All-Tight’ Formula”, me, the wife and our repulsive servant all worked together, hoisting the full scale manhood above our heads.

While the wife and servant strained under the weight of the gigantic member, I applied the formula to the base of the shaft and also, to the space available above the fireplace. We then positioned the sculpture as planned, letting the formula settle before releasing our arms from around the shaft itself.

Yet within thirty minutes of admiring the new addition to our living room, Lord Palmerston fell straight to the floor, shattering upon sheer impact. As you can well imagine, my wife sobbed inconsolably while I cursed this Dr. Cockrot and his infernal bloody concoction.

Furthermore, I have since contacted Direct Empire Ltd. who have refused to pay out for the damage incurred to this gift. In their own exact words:

“We have no proof that Dr. Euston Cockrot’s ‘All-Tight’ Formula is capable of hoisting a thirty foot crystal appendage by itself, nor do we have proof that Bummage & Quim Home Decor Ltd. can assure their customers that Dr. Euston Cockrot’s ‘All-Tight’ Formula can handle the magnitude of a thirty foot penis.”

Therefore, we request that Bummage & Quim Home Decor Ltd. provide us with all of the following and that failure to do so will result in legal action being taken against your firm:

1. A full copy of your legally binding terms and conditions
2. A full refund of four shillings and thruppence for purchase of Dr. Euston Cockrot’s ‘All-Tight’ Formula
3. Assurance that Dr. Euston Cockrot’s ‘All-Tight’ Formula is adequate for the erection of a thirty foot crystal phallus

I, as always, will await your imminent response.

Your most humble and obedient servant,

Reverend J.C. Qelqoth

Lord Likely is currently away, adventuring in foreign climes and seeing whether it is possible to father children in each of the seven continents.

To-day’s guest post comes courtesy of Reverend Qelqoth, from the humourous, satirical website The Cult of Qelqoth.

His lordship is eternally grateful to the Reverend, but wishes to make it known that he himself has absolutely no problems whatsoever in keeping his Lord Palmerston up.

If you should like to pen a guest article for The Astonishing Adventures in his lordship’s absence, then please do send an electronic mail to lord likely at gmail dot com, and let us know what you would like to toss off for us.

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