Likely's Whore-Box


Praise For Lord Likely

"A journal so exciting, I fear I soiled myself no less than fourteen times."

THE DAILY NEWS SHEET

"Utterly wonderful. Upon reading Lord Likely's diaries, I went out and set fire to a homeless wretch to celebrate."

THE LONDON LOOKER

"I ejaculated so hard, my library had to be closed off for an entire week."

LORD FISHSTICK'S NEWSPAPER

"Everyone should buy a copy of these diaries, then have sex with them."

THE ILLUSTRATED JOURNAL OF NEWS

"Hear ye, hear ye, Lord Likely is fucking ace!"

THE TOWN CRIER

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  • The Crest of Lord Likely

    18 August 2009

    Cornelius Quaint Conjures Up An Adventure

    equicover2

    PEOPLE often seem to doubt that I ever take the time to read books. ‘Tis true that being an aristocratic adventurer and gentle-man of action is incredibly busy work, which thus leaves me with very little free time. And the free time I do secure, I usually spend romping with dusky maidens, or drunk out of my noble skull.

    That is not to say that I am a dim-witted poltroon who shuns all forms of literature. Why, I have read the Karma Sutra several times over (and, indeed, submitted several extra positions), and only the other day I was happily leafing through ‘Strumpets With Trumpets‘ magazine, a fine read indeed.

    However, once in a while I will sit down to tackle a novel of some description, especially if it promises rip-roaring adventure and lashings of intrigue – which brings me to Mr. Darren Craske’s fine début, The Equivoque Principle, which I completed reading very recently. ‘Tis a book The Times news-paper declared to be full of, ‘boisterous comedy and hairpin plot twists’, which is nice – but of course, the only opinion really worth hearing is mine, and it is that opinion I shall be sharing with you, in this my very first book review!

    And then, as if that was not already thrilling enough, I shall be giving YOU – my dear, loyal readers – the chance to win one of FIVE copies of this very tome! Huzzah, and then huzzah some more!

    But first, let me tell you more about the fiction in question. The Equivoque Principle is an adventure set in London, in 1853. It follows the exploits of a group of performers hailing from Dr. Marvello’s Travelling Circus, who find themselves embroiled in a terrible mystery after one of their number is killed, with another – the strongman Prometheus – accused of the murder.

    As the bodies pile up, and the plot thickens, it is up to the circus’ leader, the master conjurer Cornelius Quaint, to get to the bottom of the whole sorry business, and clear Prometheus’ name. But it quickly transpires that there is much more to this affair than Quaint had ever hoped – or indeed feared…

    (It is at this point you should imagine some deeply ominous and incredibly dramatic chords being played).

    So, did I – Lord Likely, Aristocratic Adventurer and Gentle-Man of Action -  enjoy this tale of murder and mystery? In a word, yes. In two words: oh yes!

    The Equivoque Principle is a highly enjoyable read, which rolls along at a furious pace, barely letting up at all. The chapters are remarkably short, which is perfect if, like me, you are reading the book in between bouts of vigorous intercourse, or whilst embroiled in a round of fisticuffs with a nefarious blaggard. However, as the mystery deepens, and the danger increases, I found myself reading many chapters in a row, wilfully succumbing to that old ‘just one more chapter…’ syndrome synonymous with the page-turning adventure (a feeling I am sure all of you are familiar with as well, eh?)

    I was rather surprised to see Mr. Quaint accompanied on his mission by an Eskimo assistant named Butter, who I first assumed to be some sort of distant relation to my own man-servant, Botter. However, after reading about how very intelligent, resourceful, and utterly non-repellent Butter was, I realised that such thinking was pure folly on my part.  Butter is like the anti-Botter, a valet one would be delighted to have on one’s side, rather than a valet who speaks from his backside.

    The main protagonist of the piece is the aforementioned magician Cornelius Quaint, whom I warmed to very quickly. An older gent of impeccable breeding and good manners, Quaint also has a nose for a jolly good adventure, and is not afraid to wade into battle when the need arises, and break some noses.

    I liked Mr. Quaint greatly, and found him to be a most agreeable chap whom I would happily accompany to a nearby tavern for a few beers…although I dare say that I would politely refuse to partake in any card-games with the quick-handed conjurer. Heaven knows I have lost enough in card-games before now.

    Anyway:  yes. I thoroughly enjoyed The Equivoque Principle, and reckon it to be a ridiculously readable and remarkably rousing romp, resplendent with ribald repartee, ruthless rogues and rollicking risk-taking. Which is not easy for me to say, I can tell you. Especially when sloshed.

    If I might make two small complaints, they would be that there should have been illustrations throughout (or at least at the part where a beautiful woman exposes her ample cleavage to a pub landlord) and I would also request lashings of nookie (or at least at the part where a beautiful woman exposes her ample cleavage to a pub landlord).

    As I understand it, further Cornelius Quaint adventures are in the offing, and I look forward to reading more exhilarating escapades, with hopefully more cleavage shots.

    Good show, Mr. Craske!

    Now then – to business! My good chums at The Friday Project (the wondrous HarperCollins imprint who published this book) have generously donated five copies of The Equivoque Principle to me, to pass onto five lucky readers. Not only that, but they are five copies of the limited-edition hardback, each one signed by Mr. Darren Craske himself! Only the best for my loyal readers, you know.

    To win one of these excellent prizes, just answer this simple, magic-related question:

    Is this your card?

    likelycard2

    The five most witty, interesting, inventive, or imaginative responses shall secure the prizes, so get thine thinking-hats on, and then leave a comment below, or contact me by electrical missive at hislordship@lordlikely.com

    My decision is final, no correspondence shall be entered into, sexual favours, however, may well yield results.

    The closing date for entries is Monday the 24th of August, at 1pm British Time (i.e the correct time). Good luck, chums!

    Alternatively, if you wish to buy yourself a copy right this instant, then you can purchase the recently-released paperback through Amazon (although why anyone would choose to purchase books from a jungle I shall never know – you might get bitten by a monkey or something.) Alternatively,  you can even buy it for a remarkably reasonable price in Electronic Book form, from Waterstone’s. Hooray!

    Good luck again and toodle-pip for now!

    - Lord Likely.

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    Comments

    15 incredible interjections thus far.

    capricorn

    Certainly NOT my Lord, as soon I tried to seize it using my trusty battle scissors, I realized I was in need of a new screen.

    Card it is certainly NOT!

    capricorn, August 18th, 2009 at 5:06 am

    gaskella

    Not bloomin’ likely, dear Sir – for I am a creature of the female persuasion with a fondness for jewels. My card would be the Queen of Diamonds.

    gaskella, August 18th, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    Rachel Green

    Lawks a lordy it is. How do you do that sor? You are a card yourself an’ no mistake.

    Rachel Green, August 18th, 2009 at 12:41 pm

    Static

    Golly Geez, and I thought I was cultured since I like to read pop-up books…that card should definitely be a Joker, ’cause it sure as hell ain’t no Ace in the hole. HUZZUH!

    -okay, I’m kidding, it’s a much better idea than what I could have come with on my own, even if I was stuck in Cluesville with a bag of clues.

    Static, August 19th, 2009 at 3:09 am

    Lord Likely

    Good to see the entries starting to come in – both here, and via electrical mail. HUZZAH!

    Keep them coming, dear readers – there are still plenty of days in which to enter, and do not be afraid to re-enter many times over if you so wish.

    Re-entering is something I am rather fond of myself, you know.

    Toodle-pip!

    - Lord Likely.

    Lord Likely, August 19th, 2009 at 6:24 pm

    Pseudonymph

    Is it my card?
    I believe not. Whilst I would dearly love to have a firm reproduction of His Lordship about my person at all time, I am not in a position to possess one. However, if his lordship would like to contact me about the position he would like me to be in, we could come to an arrangement.

    Pseudonymph, August 20th, 2009 at 1:18 am

    Lady Catherine

    Oh, that that were my card! The Lord beats all other court cards hands down – why, he certainly saw that Jack off. I shudder to think what he might do for me during an enthusiastic Poker bout!

    Lady Catherine, August 20th, 2009 at 2:59 pm

    Lord Andrew of Goulding

    Well, it’s not:

    The Lord of Spades because though similarly girthed, nig-nog he is not
    The Lord of Clubs for he would belong to no club the has him as a member – or allows his member to enter
    The Lord of Hearts because though he wins them readily, he gives his heart to no-one – nor even
    The Lord of Diamonds since rhough they are a girl’s best friend, Likely is no “friend” – he is their master!

    No, after much thought, I suggest The Lord Of Twats – it’s pithy, accurate and in a bizarre twist, both humbling and self-deprecating.

    Lord Andrew of Goulding, August 21st, 2009 at 6:20 am

    Theresa111

    Yes, I choose your card as my card my lord.

    Theresa111, August 21st, 2009 at 9:54 pm

    BeBe

    Surely you jest, I would not be the Queen that I am with such a card. No, kind sir that is definitely not my card. My card would be the Queen of Hearts for it is hearts that break when thou doth not measure up to a Lord such as yourself.

    BeBe, August 23rd, 2009 at 2:48 am

    abluewhale

    Highly unlikely Likely. However, the rather shabby, dishellved state of it tells me only one thing; this card has been used as a Royal Thrust by more than one hand.

    I would like to meet the armless, legless man depicted on it, and see what magic he has under that hat.

    abluewhale, August 23rd, 2009 at 9:29 am

    Lord Likely

    Many thanks, all! Entries are now closed, and I am currently working through the various submissions to select my five favourites, the authors of which shall be bestowed with the brilliant book in question!

    Brace yourselves, chums!

    Toodle-pip!

    - Lord Likely.

    Lord Likely, August 25th, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    Alex L.

    Damn it to buggery I’m to late… dear Lord Likely could you see fit to pass my anger onto on your man servant in the form of a damn good thrashing. Somehow I know its that filthy cretins fault!

    Alex L., August 26th, 2009 at 6:59 am

    Wherein His Lordship Deals Out Some Prizes

    [...] is plenty of excitement abounding to-day, for I am about to reveal the five lucky winners of my curious conjuring contest, each of whom shall be winning a copy of Mr. Darren Craske’s excellent Victorian mystery, The [...]

    Wherein His Lordship Deals Out Some Prizes, August 26th, 2009 at 4:31 pm

    Lord Likely’s Literary Love-Pump

    [...] me in the first place? It was because I had read the first book in this Cornelius Quaint series, The Equivoque Principle and found it to be jolly thrilling and rollicking good adventure, and having read it immediately [...]

    Lord Likely’s Literary Love-Pump, July 23rd, 2010 at 1:57 am

    Speak Forth to the Lord

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    About His Lordship

    Lord Likely was a renowned member of the English aristocracy in the Victorian era. Tales of his exhilarating, enthralling and highly erotic exploits were legendary, but only now have his own, personal diaries resurfaced (found in a branch of Help the Aged in Swindon), shedding light on the life of this extraordinary eccentric.

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