16 May 2010
How To Publish A Webbed-Log For Distribution ‘Pon The Inter-Connected Network of Computation Devices
PEOPLE often come up to me and ask, “What the bloody hell do you think you are doing with my wife?” To which I reply, “Well, if you do not recognise the act that I am performing with your wife, it is no wonder she has embarked ‘pon this affair with me, sir.” Ah, how foolish they feel thereafter, chums!
People also often ask me how one goes about publishing one’s journals ‘pon the inter-connected net-work of computation devices, to which I usually reply, “Bugger off, can you not see I am busy humping your wife?”
However, I thought I would take this opportunity today to reveal to you, my dear readers, the process involved in getting my Astonishing Adventures delivered to your eyeballs ev’ry week, so that you might fully appreciate the sheer magnitude of the work behind each episode, and maybe even pick up some handy hints for your own endeavours.
So, without further ado, let me present to you my Guide to Publishing a Webbed-Log for Distribution ‘Pon the Inter-Connected Net-Work of Computation Devices!
1. Do Something Worth Writing About.
THE FIRST step is to ensure that you have something sufficiently interesting and/or exciting to share with the globe. As an Aristocratic Adventurer and Gentle-Man of Action, I am never short of thrilling tales to impart, but sadly not every one can be quite as damnably wondrous as I. If the highlight of your week is picking fluff from your naval, then you probably have nothing of interest to offer the masses, and I’d suggest that you keep such musings to yourself, or possibly publish them ‘pon the Book of Many Faces.
2. Ensure You Have the Correct Tools.
THEY SAY that it is a poor workman who blames his tools, but if ‘they’ had ever tried to build a house using nothing but a teaspoon and some glue, or repair a carriage using nothing more than a half-cooked sausage, I’d wager ‘they’ would quickly change their STUPID minds. Finding the right tool for the job is paramount to ensuring high-quality work, which is why I always insist on nothing but the VERY BEST for my Astonishing Adventures – tools such as:
PAPER, taken from trees in the ridiculously over-crowded rainforests of the Amazon.
QUILLS, made out from the feathers of the beautiful (if rather dangerous) Golden-Nibbed Eagle of the American west.
INK, extracted from the Giant Biro Octopus of the Adriatic.
Only the finest is good enough for you, dear readers!
3. Write, Or Find Someone to Write For You.
ONCE YOU have your tools, ’tis time to sit down and actually write the words themselves. Now, of course, as a busy socialite and man about town, I cannot be well expected to spend hours hunched over a desk, scribbling away into the small hours. Thankfully, that is where my scribe, Mr. Fanton, comes into play. Taking the notes I make on my adventures, it is Mr. Fanton’s job to string them together into episodic chapters, using only the very best adjectives, verbs and nouns money can buy…LEST I FLAY HIM TO WITHIN AN INCH OF HIS WRETCHED, WORTHLESS LIFE!
4. Feed The Words Into A Computational Device.
Once MR. Fanton has written up my adventures, I check over them to ensure they meet my exacting standards. If there is so much as one mis-placed apostrophe, the brute is clamped in stocks, and pelted with bricks as punishment. However, if all seems well, then the words are taken from him, and fed into a computation device, ready to be transmitted ‘cross the Empire. In my case, the device in question is called The Astonishizer Engine, a remarkable contraption developed by a Mr. Charles Babbage, which not only stores my documents and transforms my words into top-quality protons and electrons, but which also optimises them for absolute astonishment. Here is said device:
I confess I do not have an inkling as to how this machine works – I suspect some kind of supernatural influence, but Mr. Babbage assures me that it is pure science. But then, he would say that, being POSSESSED BY DEMONS.
5. Transmit Your Words.
AFTER THE Astonishizer Engine has finished its work, then the journal entry in question is ready to be TRANSMITTED across the GLOBE, and directly into the homes and eyeballs of my eager followers. Once again, how the transmission is achieved remains something of a mystery to me, but it has something to do with wires and electricity and a giant antennae atop Likely Towers. Either that, or tiny, near-invisible pigeons carry the words off across the planet, I am not entirely sure.
6. The World Rejoices!
And so, with another instalment of my Astonishing Adventures arriving in homes everywhere, all that is left to do is to bask in the glow which comes from knowing that men and women everywhere are thrilling to my latest escapades. Ah, a job well done – now onto the next chapter! Egad!
– Lord Likely.
PLEASE help us to continue funding this highly expensive and time-consuming process, by donating below, and let us continue to bring you more Astonishing Adventures for ever more!