18 January 2012
Likelypedia
IN LIGHT of the loss of our communal encyclopaedia, ‘Wikipedia‘, I have decided to step forth and aid those ignoramuses who still seek knowledge despite the blackout. Thus I am proud to present my very own astonishing… Likelypedia!
I am a fountain of knowledge. Come, drink from my spout.
Aardvark: the aroused form of a softvark.
Abound: the act of a bounder.
Absinthe: a magical green liquid which can make days simply VANISH.
Abundance: a jig or a waltz performed by bakers.
Agent: singular form of gentlemen.
Analogue: a ledger for cataloguing anal sex acts.
Angler: one who constructs protractors, set squares etc.
Antelope: what occurs when two ants love each other very much, and wish to flee from their disapproving parents.
Anticlimax: the result of a particular awful bout of sexual intercourse.
Antwerp: An stupid person.
Archangel: the most condescending of all the heavenly host.
Artichoke: to throttle someone in a particularly creative manner.
Auspicious: to be rather mistrustful of gold.
Avast – something rather large. (Submitted by @SheyMouse)
B
Backgammon: pork eaten off of a servant masquerading as a table.
Badger: one who makes badges.
Badminton: the exact opposite of goodminton.
Baguette: a very small container or receptacle, favoured by French ladies.
Bassoon: a musical ape.
Bicycle: a two-wheeled vehicle which may be used by either ladies or gentleman, as it has no preference to either gender.
Bonfire: French exclamation upon witnessing a particularly good blaze.
Bratwurst: the very nastiest of children. (Submitted by Mr. Scott Huber.)
Bungalow: a buffalo that can’t get it right. (Submitted by Mr. Travis Rathgeber).
C
Carbuncle: Your mother’s pasta loving brother. (Submitted by @jcodfishpie).
Censorship: a boat charged with hunting down pirates, but which ends up just spoiling the sea for everyone.
Champignon: the winner of a French mushroom-eating contest.
Chancellor: person employed to gamble with an entire nation’s finances.
Colony: an adjective used to describe the colon, e.g ‘I’m not sure what this is, but it looks a bit colon-y’.
Comeback: one of the results of a particularly messy orgy.
Comatose: what you get when your foot falls asleep.
Comeuppance: an accidental discharge of fluid, most frequently associated with overexcitement and the inexperience of youth. (Submitted by Mr. Mark Hooper.)
Contraband: A musical group who steadfastly refuse to play any of the songs requested.
Contribute: eulogy given at the funeral of a felon.
Crestfallen: Crestfallen: when one’s coat of arms falls off the mantelpiece. (Submitted by @DaddyP).
Crouton: a unit of measurement used to weigh bread, e.g ‘this giant loaf weighs approximately one metric crouton’.
Custard: a cowardly bastard with a yellow streak a mile long.
D
Damage: a wizard from South London. (Submitted by @SheyMouse)
Decrease: what you get when you iron de pants. (Submitted by @Darien_Mason)
Deliberate: to deny something freedom, e.g: ‘following the screams of horror from the clergy, I decided to deliberate my todger’.
Diarrhoea: A Welsh man who is unable to pay his mortgage. (Submitted by @mr_andy_fereday)
Dinosaur: a fictional beast created by scientists in an attempt to disprove the undoubted existence of an all-powerful deity who lives in the sky.
Discuss: a conversation or debate pertaining exclusively to an Olympic throwing event.
Dogma: the mother of the dog. (Submitted by @Vampcat66)
E
Eton: Yorkshire exclamation upon seeing a heavy weight. (Submitted by @mr_andy_fereday)
Everest: dead. (Submitted by @SheyMouse)
G
Germination:where the Kaiser resides and sows his seed. (Submitted by Mr. Mark Hooper.)
Gravy: Like a grave. (Suggested by @Mr.Whaite).
H
Hippocrates: Ancient Greek who invented a means of storing hippopotamuses ready for transport.
Huzzah: a bazaar for the (h)upper classes. (Submitted by Lord Matt).
I
Internet: The opposite of Outernet. (Submitted by Mr. Travis Rathgeber).
Inundated: to ‘enjoy’ a woman who has never been out on a date. (Submitted by @moggiesinforest).
Irrelevant: having nothing whatsoever to do with elephants. (Submitted by Mr. Travis Rathgeber).
L
Leotard: an astrologer prone to incorrect readings. (Submitted by @jcodfishpie).
License: An ability to tell when someone is not telling the truth. (Submitted by @jim_linder.)
N
Nightmare:a nocturnal female horse. (Submitted by @jim_linder.)
O
Obesity: a city wherein the citizen are somewhat overweight. (Submitted by @jcodfishpie).
P
Paedophile: a folder for small children to keep their paperwork in. (Submitted by @xpd259).
Pencil: window ledge for keeping pens. (Submitted by @mr_andy_fereday)
Penis. What a pen is. (Submitted by @JackPurling).
Problematic: An asbestos filled loft. (Suggested by @Mr.Whaite).
Professorship: a boat used for the deportation of unsavoury scientists, e.g Professor Elemental.
Q
Quince:a female prince. (Submitted by @SheyMouse)
R
Repercussions:Death’s soft furnishings. (Suggested by @Mr.Whaite).
S
Socrates: ancient greek who invented prices for cloth foot coverings. (Submitted by @moggiesinforest).
Spatula: A heated arguement between two or more vampires. (Submitted by Mr. Travis Rathgeber).
T
Taxidermy: the process whereby one is stuffed by the Inland Revenue.
Testimony: the delighted, groaning sound a gentleman makes when a lady fondles his ball-bags.
U
Uvula: a foolish vampire who decides to go out in harmful UV rays, despite warnings and no sunblock. (Submitted by Ms. Jenn Thorson).
W
Wombat:a mythical creature that hangs around on Wimbledon common with a bat. (Submitted by @Vampcat66).
In the meantime, do not forget to read up about the awful SOPA legislation – a form of soap that will only wash away the good.
Toodle-pip!
- Lord Likely.
