Likely's Whore-Box


Praise For Lord Likely

"A journal so exciting, I fear I soiled myself no less than fourteen times."

THE DAILY NEWS SHEET

"Utterly wonderful. Upon reading Lord Likely's diaries, I went out and set fire to a homeless wretch to celebrate."

THE LONDON LOOKER

"I ejaculated so hard, my library had to be closed off for an entire week."

LORD FISHSTICK'S NEWSPAPER

"Everyone should buy a copy of these diaries, then have sex with them."

THE ILLUSTRATED JOURNAL OF NEWS

"Hear ye, hear ye, Lord Likely is fucking ace!"

THE TOWN CRIER

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  • The Crest of Lord Likely

    18 January 2012

    Likelypedia

    IN LIGHT of the loss of our communal encyclopaedia, ‘Wikipedia‘, I have decided to step forth and aid those ignoramuses who still seek knowledge despite the blackout. Thus I am proud to present my very own astonishing… Likelypedia!

    I am a fountain of knowledge. Come, drink from my spout.

    ~
    A

    Aardvark: the aroused form of a softvark.

    Abound: the act of a bounder.

    Absinthe: a magical green liquid which can make days simply VANISH.

    Abundance: a jig or a waltz performed by bakers.

    Agent: singular form of gentlemen.

    Analogue: a ledger for cataloguing anal sex acts.

    Angler: one who constructs protractors, set squares etc.

    Antelope: what occurs when two ants love each other very much, and wish to flee from their disapproving parents.

    Anticlimax: the result of a particular awful bout of sexual intercourse.

    Antwerp: An stupid person.

    Archangel: the most condescending of all the heavenly host.

    Artichoke: to throttle someone in a particularly creative manner.

    Auspicious: to be rather mistrustful of gold.

    Avast – something rather large. (Submitted by @SheyMouse)

    B

    Backgammon: pork eaten off of a servant masquerading as a table.

    Badger: one who makes badges.

    Badminton: the exact opposite of goodminton.

    Baguette: a very small container or receptacle, favoured by French ladies.

    Bassoon: a musical ape.

    Bicycle: a two-wheeled vehicle which may be used by either ladies or gentleman, as it has no preference to either gender.

    Bonfire: French exclamation upon witnessing a particularly good blaze.

    Bratwurst: the very nastiest of children. (Submitted by Mr. Scott Huber.)

    Bungalow: a buffalo that can’t get it right. (Submitted by Mr. Travis Rathgeber).

    C

    Carbuncle: Your mother’s pasta loving brother. (Submitted by @jcodfishpie).

    Censorship: a boat charged with hunting down pirates, but which ends up just spoiling the sea for everyone.

    Champignon: the winner of a French mushroom-eating contest.

    Chancellor: person employed to gamble with an entire nation’s finances.

    Colony: an adjective used to describe the colon, e.g ‘I’m not sure what this is, but it looks a bit colon-y’.

    Comeback: one of the results of a particularly messy orgy.

    Comatose: what you get when your foot falls asleep.

    Comeuppance: an accidental discharge of fluid, most frequently associated with overexcitement and the inexperience of youth. (Submitted by Mr. Mark Hooper.)

    Contraband: A musical group who steadfastly refuse to play any of the songs requested.

    Contribute: eulogy given at the funeral of a felon.

    Crestfallen: Crestfallen: when one’s coat of arms falls off the mantelpiece. (Submitted by @DaddyP).

    Crouton: a unit of measurement used to weigh bread, e.g ‘this giant loaf weighs approximately one metric crouton’.

    Custard: a cowardly bastard with a yellow streak a mile long.

    D

    Damage: a wizard from South London. (Submitted by @SheyMouse)

    Decrease: what you get when you iron de pants. (Submitted by @Darien_Mason)

    Deliberate: to deny something freedom, e.g: ‘following the screams of horror from the clergy, I decided to deliberate my todger’.

    Diarrhoea: A Welsh man who is unable to pay his mortgage. (Submitted by @mr_andy_fereday)

    Dinosaur: a fictional beast created by scientists in an attempt to disprove the undoubted existence of an all-powerful deity who lives in the sky.

    Discuss: a conversation or debate pertaining exclusively to an Olympic throwing event.

    Dogma: the mother of the dog. (Submitted by @Vampcat66)

    E

    Eton: Yorkshire exclamation upon seeing a heavy weight. (Submitted by @mr_andy_fereday)

    Everest: dead. (Submitted by @SheyMouse)

    G

    Germination:where the Kaiser resides and sows his seed. (Submitted by Mr. Mark Hooper.)

    Gravy: Like a grave. (Suggested by @Mr.Whaite).

    H

    Hippocrates: Ancient Greek who invented a means of storing hippopotamuses ready for transport.

    Huzzah: a bazaar for the (h)upper classes. (Submitted by Lord Matt).

    I

    Internet: The opposite of Outernet. (Submitted by Mr. Travis Rathgeber).

    Inundated: to ‘enjoy’ a woman who has never been out on a date. (Submitted by @moggiesinforest).

    Irrelevant: having nothing whatsoever to do with elephants. (Submitted by Mr. Travis Rathgeber).

    L

    Leotard: an astrologer prone to incorrect readings. (Submitted by @jcodfishpie).

    License: An ability to tell when someone is not telling the truth. (Submitted by @jim_linder.)

    N

    Nightmare:a nocturnal female horse. (Submitted by @jim_linder.)

    O

    Obesity: a city wherein the citizen are somewhat overweight. (Submitted by @jcodfishpie).

    P

    Paedophile: a folder for small children to keep their paperwork in. (Submitted by @xpd259).

    Pencil: window ledge for keeping pens. (Submitted by @mr_andy_fereday)

    Penis. What a pen is. (Submitted by @JackPurling).

    Problematic: An asbestos filled loft. (Suggested by @Mr.Whaite).

    Professorship: a boat used for the deportation of unsavoury scientists, e.g Professor Elemental.

    Q

    Quince:a female prince. (Submitted by @SheyMouse)

    R

    Repercussions:Death’s soft furnishings. (Suggested by @Mr.Whaite).

    S

    Socrates: ancient greek who invented prices for cloth foot coverings. (Submitted by @moggiesinforest).

    Spatula: A heated arguement between two or more vampires. (Submitted by Mr. Travis Rathgeber).

    T

    Taxidermy: the process whereby one is stuffed by the Inland Revenue.

    Testimony: the delighted, groaning sound a gentleman makes when a lady fondles his ball-bags.

    U

    Uvula: a foolish vampire who decides to go out in harmful UV rays, despite warnings and no sunblock. (Submitted by Ms. Jenn Thorson).

    W

    Wombat:a mythical creature that hangs around on Wimbledon common with a bat. (Submitted by @Vampcat66).

    ~
    Keep your eyes peeled for I shall be updating the Likelypedia as and when more pearls of wisdom drop forth. Of course, YOU can contribute to – either comment below, or use the Twittering Device or the Book of Many Faces.

    In the meantime, do not forget to read up about the awful SOPA legislation – a form of soap that will only wash away the good.

    Toodle-pip!

    - Lord Likely.

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    About His Lordship

    Lord Likely was a renowned member of the English aristocracy in the Victorian era. Tales of his exhilarating, enthralling and highly erotic exploits were legendary, but only now have his own, personal diaries resurfaced (found in a branch of Help the Aged in Swindon), shedding light on the life of this extraordinary eccentric.

    Warning: these journals contain material that some people may find terribly offensive, or incredibly arousing

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