23 July 2010
Lord Likely’s Literary Love-Pump
(Illustration skillfully and sexily drawn by Mr. Sheldon Goodman. Further examples of his astonishing artistry may be found by going hither.)
THEY SAY that you should never judge a book by its cover. This is blatantly BALLS. I am sorry, but if I am browsing in a bookshop and see one book with a cover featuring a semi-naked woman firing peanuts from her mimsy, next to a book showing a man with a beard pointing at a cocking graph or some such toss, I am BOUND – nay, OBLIGED! – to go for the book bearing the nut-firing nob-nook cover . It is common sense, really.
This is something of a controversial opinion, especially in literary circles, which is why I am not oft asked to review works of literature for book clubs or the press. But, as I have my own journals, I can do as I RUDDY PLEASE, and so I present to you now three short reviews of some books which I have read recently.
First off the shelf is The Eleventh Plague, by Mr. Darren Craske. Now, you may recall Mr. Craske joined forces with my glorious self earlier this year, to pen the Astonishing Adventure entitled ‘The Bloody Baffling Buckingham Bluff’. Does this close cooperation thus make me a biased reviewer? Yes, it does, and yes, I do think this book is EXCELLENT.
BUT – ask yourself this, dear reader – WHY did I invite Mr. Craske to work with me in the first place? It was because I had read the first book in this Cornelius Quaint series, The Equivoque Principle and found it to be a thrilling and rollickingly good adventure, and having read it immediately decided that I wished to collaborate with such a skilled wordsmith. Only the finest for my fine readers, you know!
And so to The Eleventh Plague, the sequel to The Equivoque Principle. Picking up where the first book left off, we find master conjurer Cornelius Quaint embarking on a hazardous trip to Egypt, accompanied by the fortune-teller Madame Destine. And so the sand-filled stage is set for yet more thrilling adventure, as the pair try to foil the mysterious Hades Consortium’s plans to poison the River Nile.
Happily, everything excellent about the Equivoque Principle is here in even MORE abundance, as the tale romps along with myriad twists and turns. Cornelius Quaint is a most amiable lead (and you do not know how much it pains me to say that, having met the cad) and Destine makes for a fascinating companion. Boasting action, adventure and erm… Arabs? – The Eleventh Plague is a book that shall thrill and delight in equal measures! Perfect reading for the summer holidays, especially if you are on a sandy beach.
And also, the cover is rather good too. BONUS POINTS!
The Eleventh Plague may be purchased from the Amazon, hither: The Eleventh Plague (Cornelius Quaint Chronicles), alongside the prequel, The Equivoque Principle (Cornelius Quaint Chronicles) Mr. Craske also has his very own webbed-site HITHER, and a webbed-log THITHER. He may also be found ‘pon The Twittering Device.
NEXT we have Moustache Man and the Deadly Whiskers, by Mr. Rick Senley. Now, it cannot have passed your notice that I a) have a moustache and b) am a man, but I regret to inform that this book is NOT about me. But despite that obvious shortcoming, this is a still a jolly entertaining book nonetheless.
Moustache Man chronicles the terrible fall from (dis)grace of one dashing man-about town, as his appetites for whores, opium and lashings of booze (hmmm, I’m not so sure this ISN’T about me now) lead our hero to tumble from his privileged perch to join the damned wretches in the London slums.
Part murder-mystery, part social satire, part bawdy comedy, with all parts adding up to a truly satisfying whole. The titular character is quite the cad (one scene where he masturbates on a bus sums up his lusty nature very succinctly) but a cad whom you cannot help but warm to, no matter how depraved his fancies. And, as such, the book is filled with filth and sleaze, which is probably why I enjoyed it so much.
And, by clocking in at nearly 400 pages, the tome is also sufficiently weighty enough to cause serious damage if hurled at one’s man-servant with enough force. BONUS POINTS!
Regular readers will know of my complete and utter disdain for Mr. Sherlock Holmes, and how I find him to be a pompous, puffed-up cock-bag who seems to get by on a lot of damned guesswork, if you ask me. And so it was with a sinking feeling in my chest (and a drooping feeling in my trousers) that I began to read yet MORE of his adventures.
HOWEVER! My dismay quickly turned to joy as I quickly realised that these were far from your typical, dour Holmes adventures, but were in fact a very funny parody of such tales, revealing the so-called ‘great detective’ to be, in fact, a rather inept and clueless buffoon instead.
Aided, as ever, by Dr. Watson, Holmes embarks ‘pon cases as varied as ‘The Adventure of the Lingering Stench’, and ‘The Conundrum of the Missing…’, each one filled with scatological humour, plentiful punnery, and spoofery. And the fourth wall is not only broken, but on many instances is shattered into a million tiny pieces.
All in all, a very entertaining read, for both the deranged sort who enjoy Sherlock Holmes, and those (like me) who think he is a bumbling twat-stick .
PLUS! There are illustrations within. BONUS POINTS!
So, there you have it, plenty of fresh reads for you to enjoy, dear readers! If YOU have penned or published a Victorian-set book, and would like me to cast my critical eye over it, please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org and perhaps YOU could find your work gracing these ASTONISHING pages!
LORD LIKELY’S CORKING CONTEST WINNERS! You may remember me holding a contest a couple of weeks ago, wherein three lucky readers could win some FABULOUS Likely-themed prizes (including prints, cards and stickers, all from my new virtual emporium of excellence). After much grovelling and toadying from the masses, I am now pleased to announce that the winners are:
FIRST PLACE (bagging a print, card AND sticker): Mrs. S. Vashti Rennacker, who said:
‘Dear Lord Likely if I were fortunate enough to be granted your delightful bounty, then at last my husband and son would have constant reminders of what they should be aspiring to. It would have the added benefit of saving on heating bills as I would be able to get hot and bothered just by gazing on your handsome features.’
RUNNERS-UP (bagging cards and stickers): Purplemontart (‘Your “Grope” poster would look much better on the wall in my bedroom than that blasted wife of mine’) and Corcoran, who offered me his daughter (‘In short, sir, she’s more valuable than a goat, but less valuable than a ‘dead posh’ sticker for my wife’s rotund bottom.’)
And thank you to everyone who entered, it really was a tricky choice. But you have ALL won, in a way, as you all get to read my wondrous words ev’ry week! DOUBLE HUZZAH!
- Lord Likely.