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  • The Crest of Lord Likely

    27 February 2012

    Lord Likely’s Top Fives

    AS THE fifth anniversary of my Astonishing Adventures continues unabated, I thought I would adhere to the ‘five’ theme, and present to you a list of ‘Top Fives’, detailing some of my favourite (and not-so-favourite) things. That way, not only will you gain to learn more about your noble narrator, but you shall also be able to use this knowledge when deciding which glorious gifts to purchase me for my Wooden Jubilee. Everybody wins, especially me. As it should be.

    Anyhow, let us proceed without further ado!

    Top Five Beverages.

    5. Gin.
    4. Wine.
    3. Beer.
    2. Whisky.
    1. All of the above in a glass (without ice, thank you).

    Top Five Sexual Positions.

    5. ‘The Right Honourable Member’.
    4. ‘The Spitting Cobra’.
    3. ‘The Whirling Dervish’.
    2. ‘An Altercation in the Balkans’.
    1. ‘Inside A Lady’.

    Top Five Uses For A Servant.

    5. Servant.
    4. Punching-bag.
    3. Draught excluder.
    2. Stunt-double.
    1. Patsy willing to take the blame when large contributions are found to be missing from his master’s tax returns.

    Top Five Things With Which To Beat A Beggar.

    5. Fists (inadvisable, could get grubby).
    4. Boots (see above).
    3 . Convincing beggars that their existence is so futile and pointless that they should turn their own fists upon themselves, and beat themselves to a pulp.
    2. A servant.
    1. A trusty cane (with a nail in it).

    Top Five Insults.

    5. ‘You have all the wit and grace of a baboon’s colon’.
    4. ‘If I was half as stupid as you are, I would still be ten times more intelligent.’
    3. ‘You look like you fell out of the ugly tree, and were beaten with the entire ugly forest’.
    2. ‘I am rubber, you are glue, what bounces off me, sticks to you.’
    1. ‘You have my pity, but alas that is the only thing of mine you can ever hope to attain’.

    Top Five Prostitutes.

    5. ‘Dirty Gertie’.
    4. ‘Easy Susie’.
    3. ‘Queen Whore’.
    2. ‘Randy Mandy’.
    1. Your Mater.

    Top Five Outdoor Sports.

    5. Croquet.
    4. Hunting.
    3. Cricket.
    2. Chasing a beggar.
    1. Rutting with a slattern on the village green.

    Top Five Hounds.

    5. Sir Barksalot (above).
    4. Jack Russell the Ripper.
    3. Admiral Woofs.
    2. The Growler.
    1. Cerberus, The Hellhound.

    Top Five Lines With Which To Attract A Lady.

    5. ‘Did you fall from heaven? If so, shall we rut before you pass out or expire?’
    4. ‘I’m a nobleman, don’t you know. Do you have any nob in you? Would you like some?’
    3. ‘Get your coat, m’dear – we can lay it down here and hump on it.’
    2. ‘If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me and then let me disrobe it, spread the legs and thrust myself deep inside it until I issued forth?’
    1. ‘I am Lord Likely’.

    Top Five Technological Wonders of the Modern Age.

    5. The telephonic device.
    4. The Daguerreotype.
    3. The Automated Arse-Punter.
    2. The Incredible Personal Orchestration Device (IPOD for short).
    1. The Steam-Powered Novel.

    Top Five People With Whom I Would Like To Have Intercourse.

    5. You.
    4. You.
    3 You.
    2. You.
    1. Her Majesty The Queen.

    Top Five Expletives.

    5. ‘Arse-Biscuits!’
    4. ‘You blithering cock-pipe!’
    3. ‘Baste my balls!’
    2. ‘By Satan’s Scarlet Scrotal Sack!’
    1. ‘Commoner!’

    Top Five Pornographic Pamphlets.

    5. Maiden Heaven.
    4. Reader’s Wives’ Fannies.
    3. Playlord.
    2. Ankles Ahoy!
    1. Strumpets With Trumpets.

    Top Five Racehorse.

    5. Brunel’s Steam-Powered Stallion.
    4. Filthy Slattern.
    3. Indiscreet Faux-Pas.
    2. The Futility of Existence and the Endless March Toward Death.
    1. Mr. Cloppy.

    Top Five Astonishing Adventures.

    5. Lord Likely and the Lost Cat.
    4. Lord Likely and the Bloody Nuisances.
    3. Lord Likely’s General Twattery.
    2. Lord Likely’s Extra-Ordinary Inter-Active Moustache-O-Rama.
    1. The Filching Fog of Finsbury Park.

    Top Five Way To Sign Off.

    5. ‘Cock off!’
    4. ‘Cheerio, chums!’
    3. ‘Get off my property or I shall release the hounds.’
    2. ‘Begone!’
    1. ‘Toodle-pip!’

    Toodle-pip!

    - Lord Likely.

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    About His Lordship

    Lord Likely was a renowned member of the English aristocracy in the Victorian era. Tales of his exhilarating, enthralling and highly erotic exploits were legendary, but only now have his own, personal diaries resurfaced (found in a branch of Help the Aged in Swindon), shedding light on the life of this extraordinary eccentric.

    Warning: these journals contain material that some people may find terribly offensive, or incredibly arousing

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