13 June 2007
His Lordship Returns
June 13th, 1856
Good day. I have just this moment returned to the Likely Estate, fresh from an astonishing adventure in our former colony of America. Of course, I say ‘fresh’, however I have spent the past five days cooped up in a tiny cabin on a rather run-down ship, with my stinking man-servant Botter by my side, so ‘fresh’ may be rather too generous an adjective to use as this juncture. ‘Smelling like a tramp’s anus’ is possibly a far more accurate turn of phrase.
However, I digress.
Unfortunately, due to the rather sudden and unexpected nature of our expedition, I forgot to pack my journals in my luggage, so could not accurately log the details of our adventures. However, I did try and make use of any item at hand onto which I could document events, be it a sheet of paper, an old news-sheet or Botter’s face. Therefore, I believe I have all the facts readily at hand, and shall be transferring them to my journals in due course.
I was delighted to see, upon my return, that work on my expansive Porn Library had been completed, so unwound by pouring over some of the pornographic materials in my collection – ‘pouring’ being the definitive word here. My lordly juices had been backed-up over the course of the last few days, and when finally released they flowed like the mighty falls of the Niagra, and it took almost the entire afternoon for Botter to mop up my manly secretions.
I celebrated our return that evening by getting blind drunk on whisky, while basking in the glow of a nice, roaring fire, which I had drunkenly lit upon Botter’s head. Botter naturally complained in his increasingly tiresome manner, and begged me to extinguish the flames. I acceded, and attempted to douse the fire using my urine. Unfortunately for my servant, my urine had more alcohol in it than the cellar of a public house, and thus Botter’s fire only grew more violent, until the flames were lapping at the ceiling. Botter fled the house, and doused his head in a nearby stream, where I am led to believe he was attacked by a disgruntled otter.
Needless to say, I found this chain of events most amusing, and would have possibly wet myself with laughter, had I not already relieved myself upon Botter’s head.
It really is marvelous to be back home.
- Lord Likely.