(Illustration skillfully and sexily drawn by Mr. Sheldon Goodman. Further examples of his astonishing artistry may be found by going hither.)

THEY SAY that you should never judge a book by its cover. This is blatantly BALLS. I am sorry, but if I am browsing in a bookshop and  see one book with a cover featuring a semi-naked woman firing peanuts from her mimsy, next to a book showing a man with a beard pointing at a cocking graph or some such toss, I am BOUND – nay, OBLIGED! – to go for the book bearing the nut-firing nob-nook cover . It is common sense, really.

This is something of a controversial opinion, especially in literary circles, which is why I am not oft asked to review works of literature for book clubs or the press. But, as I have my own journals, I can do as I RUDDY PLEASE, and so I present to you now three short reviews of some books which I have read recently.

First off the shelf is The Eleventh Plague, by Mr. Darren Craske. Now, you may recall Mr. Craske joined forces with my glorious self earlier this year, to pen the Astonishing Adventure entitled ‘The Bloody Baffling Buckingham Bluff’. Does this close cooperation thus make me a biased reviewer? Yes, it does, and yes, I do think this book is EXCELLENT.

BUT – ask yourself this, dear reader – WHY did I invite Mr. Craske to work with me in the first place? It was because I had read the first book in this Cornelius Quaint series, The Equivoque Principle and found it to be a thrilling and rollickingly good adventure, and having read it immediately decided that I wished to collaborate with such a skilled wordsmith. Only the finest for my fine readers, you know!

And so to The Eleventh Plague, the sequel to The Equivoque Principle. Picking up where the first book left off, we find master conjurer Cornelius Quaint embarking on a hazardous trip to Egypt, accompanied by the fortune-teller Madame Destine. And so the sand-filled stage is set for yet more thrilling adventure, as the pair try to foil the mysterious Hades Consortium’s plans to poison the River Nile.

Happily, everything excellent about the Equivoque Principle is here in even MORE abundance, as the tale romps along with myriad twists and turns. Cornelius Quaint is a most amiable lead (and you do not know how much it pains me to say that, having met the cad) and Destine makes for a fascinating companion. Boasting action, adventure and erm… Arabs? – The Eleventh Plague is a book that shall thrill and delight in equal measures! Perfect reading for the summer holidays, especially if you are on a sandy beach.

And also, the cover is rather good too. BONUS POINTS!

The Eleventh Plague may be purchased from the Amazon, hither: The Eleventh Plague (Cornelius Quaint Chronicles), alongside the prequel, The Equivoque Principle (Cornelius Quaint Chronicles) Mr. Craske also has his very own webbed-site HITHER, and a webbed-log THITHER. He may also be found ‘pon The Twittering Device.

NEXT we have Moustache Man and the Deadly Whiskers, by Mr. Rick Senley. Now, it cannot have passed your notice that I a) have a moustache and b) am a man, but I regret to inform that this book is NOT about me. But despite that obvious shortcoming, this is a still a jolly entertaining book nonetheless.

Moustache Man chronicles the terrible fall from (dis)grace of one dashing man-about town, as his appetites for whores, opium and lashings of booze (hmmm, I’m not so sure this ISN’T about me now) lead our hero to tumble from his privileged perch to join the damned wretches in the London slums.

Part murder-mystery, part social satire, part bawdy comedy, with all parts adding up to a truly satisfying whole. The titular character is quite the cad (one scene where he masturbates on a bus sums up his lusty nature very succinctly) but a cad whom you cannot help but warm to, no matter how depraved his fancies. And, as such, the book is filled with filth and sleaze, which is probably why I enjoyed it so much.

And, by clocking in at nearly 400 pages, the tome is also sufficiently weighty enough to cause serious damage if hurled at one’s man-servant with enough force. BONUS POINTS!

Moustache Man and the Deadly Whiskers may be purchased from the Moustache Man webbed-site, or via the Amazon, here: Moustache Man: The Deadly Whiskers.

FINALLY, we come to Sherlock Holmes and the Underpants of Death, by Mr. Chris Wood.

Regular readers will know of my complete and utter disdain for Mr. Sherlock Holmes, and how I find him to be a pompous, puffed-up cock-bag who seems to get by on a lot of damned guesswork, if you ask me. And so it was with a sinking feeling in my chest (and a drooping feeling in my trousers) that I began to read yet MORE of his adventures.

HOWEVER! My dismay quickly turned to joy as I quickly realised that these were far from your typical, dour Holmes adventures, but were in fact a very funny parody of such tales, revealing the so-called ‘great detective’ to be, in fact, a rather inept and clueless buffoon instead.

Aided, as ever, by Dr. Watson, Holmes embarks ‘pon cases as varied as ‘The Adventure of the Lingering Stench’, and ‘The Conundrum of the Missing…’, each one filled with scatological humour, plentiful punnery, and spoofery. And the fourth wall is not only broken, but on many instances is shattered into a million tiny pieces.

All in all, a very entertaining read, for both the deranged sort who enjoy Sherlock Holmes, and those (like me) who think he is a bumbling twat-stick .

PLUS! There are illustrations within. BONUS POINTS!

Purchase this tittersome tome at the Amazon, hither: Sherlock Holmes and the Underpants of Death And why not drop by Mr. Wood’s web-log, as well? He’s a nice chap, you know!

So, there you have it, plenty of fresh reads for you to enjoy, dear readers! If YOU have penned or published a Victorian-set book, and would like me to cast my critical eye over it, please contact me at hislordship@lordlikely.com and perhaps YOU could find your work gracing these ASTONISHING pages!

NEXT:

LORD LIKELY’S CORKING CONTEST WINNERS! You may remember me holding a contest a couple of weeks ago, wherein three lucky readers could win some FABULOUS Likely-themed prizes (including prints, cards and stickers, all from my new virtual emporium of excellence). After much grovelling and toadying from the masses, I am now pleased to announce that the winners are:

FIRST PLACE (bagging a print, card AND sticker): Mrs. S. Vashti Rennacker, who said:

‘Dear Lord Likely if I were fortunate enough to be granted your delightful bounty, then at last my husband and son would have constant reminders of what they should be aspiring to. It would have the added benefit of saving on heating bills as I would be able to get hot and bothered just by gazing on your handsome features.’

RUNNERS-UP (bagging cards and stickers): Purplemontart (‘Your “Grope” poster would look much better on the wall in my bedroom than that blasted wife of mine’) and Corcoran, who offered me his daughter (‘In short, sir, she’s more valuable than a goat, but less valuable than a ‘dead posh’ sticker for my wife’s rotund bottom.’)

Congratulations, chums! Please send me your addresses (via email, or the Book of Faces, or the Twittering Device) and then the pulse-poundingly pleasing prizes shall be dispatched! HUZZAH!

And thank you to everyone who entered, it really was a tricky choice. But you have ALL won, in a way, as you all get to read my wondrous words ev’ry week! DOUBLE HUZZAH!

Toodle-pip!

- Lord Likely.

AH, CAN you feel that, dear readers? The excitement in the air? I have not felt so much excitement in the air since the time I took a hot-air balloon ride over an all-female nudist camp. I shall never forget that day, nor the look on the ladies’ faces as I dropped my bags over the side, and gently descended into their neatly-trimmed compound.

Ah, such wonderful memories.

Anyway – where was I? Oh yes – EXCITEMENT!

Yes, there is plenty of excitement abounding to-day, for I am about to reveal the five lucky winners of my curious conjuring contest, each of whom shall be winning a copy of Mr. Darren Craske’s excellent Victorian mystery, The Equivoque Principle – in hardback, and signed by the good fellow himself!

As you may recall, last week I showed you the above illustration, and asked you – my dear, firm-bottomed readership – to answer a very simple question – is this your card?

The response was truly fabulous, and the creative approaches to answering the question in question made my balls tingle with delight. In a way, you are all winners to-day, but in another entirely more accurate way, only five of you are ACTUAL winners, who shall be bagging the aforementioned book. And here are those five…

The first to respond, was Mr. Capricorn, who penned this witty retort:

“Certainly NOT my Lord, as soon I tried to seize it using my trusty battle scissors, I realized I was in need of a new screen.

Card it is certainly NOT!”

For having caused poor Mr. Capricorn to blunt his battle scissors, I am sending him a copy of the book. Apologies, sir!

Next up is Pseudonymph, who had this enticing proposition:

“Is it my card?
I believe not. Whilst I would dearly love to have a firm reproduction of His Lordship about my person at all time, I am not in a position to possess one. However, if his lordship would like to contact me about the position he would like me to be in, we could come to an arrangement.”

Oh-ho! I shall be in touch to arrange you later, m’dear!

Lady Catherine, meanwhile, wrote:

“Oh, that that were my card! The Lord beats all other court cards hands down – why, he certainly saw that Jack off. I shudder to think what he might do for me during an enthusiastic Poker bout!”

For including an excellent masturbation reference, and because I want to see her Poker face, and indeed poke her face, the lady also snares a copy of the book. Hoorah!

The next winner is BeBe, who wrote this touching entry:

“Surely you jest, I would not be the Queen that I am with such a card. No, kind sir that is definitely not my card. My card would be the Queen of Hearts for it is hearts that break when thou doth not measure up to a Lord such as yourself.”

Ne’er a truer word ever spake, and for that reason a copy of the book shall be forthcoming to you, m’dear!

And finally, we come to Mr. Ian Alexander Martin, who submitted the longest entry by far, and we all know that size really does matter when it comes to a good entry. Behold!

“To get right to the point of the matter; the matter’s point, if you will; the purpose of the thing; the thing’s purpose; to wit and to woo (and Your Lordships knows a thing or two about how to woo; woo-hoo!); to…

Sorry, what was the question…?

Ah yes: card. Is that mine?

Sadly, no… Were I to be so blessed — BLESSED, I tell ‘ee — to have a card bearing not one, but two images of that sterling visage (that of the very Lord Likely Himself) then I should have a life which was complete in all things! Oh yes!

Although a bottle of whisky as well would also be quite fine, thank you for asking.

Were I to have a card with that double-headed profile of Stunning Masculine Glory, and a bottle of whisky, and a willing chamber maid with a firm bottom and a generous flying buttress, well then all would be a brilliant series of day-upon-days!

However, since many things cannot be provided willie-nilly (no, not your willie, m’Lord; it would make me feel so ashamed of mine own), such a thing which I refer to as a ‘life’ is my sad lot upon this thing we call Earth. Woe — oh woe! — is me. [sniff]

One might, however, find some cheer with the reading of a copy of some fine book of magical murder, mystery, and intrigue. Have you got one of those about, perchance…?”

Fine work, sir, and well worthy of a free book! Hooray!

Congratulations to each and every winner! Be sure to contact me by electrical mail and give me your names and addresses, so that I may send your prizes out to you all by first-class courier pigeon!  And a hearty slap on the back to all those who entered – jolly good show, everyone! Also, may thanks to my smooth-thighed chums at The Friday Project for supplying these marvellous prizes – many thanks indeed!

If you did not win to-day, do not forget that Mr. Craske’s fine adventure is available to purchase in paperback from the Amazon, and can also be downloaded in electrical form for less than three pounds from hither. Treat yourself – ’tis a grand romp indeed!

Rightio, I am off to go and saw a lady in half. I simply cannot wait to thrust my large tool into her box!

Be back here at the end of the week for further excellence, and then next week shall see the commencement of my latest adventure – Lord Likely and the Bloody Nuisances!

Until then, toodle-pip, dear readers!

- Lord Likely.

PEOPLE often seem to doubt that I ever take the time to read books. ‘Tis true that being an aristocratic adventurer and gentle-man of action is incredibly busy work, which thus leaves me with very little free time. And the free time I do secure, I usually spend romping with dusky maidens, or drunk out of my noble skull.

That is not to say that I am a dim-witted poltroon who shuns all forms of literature. Why, I have read the Karma Sutra several times over (and, indeed, submitted several extra positions), and only the other day I was happily leafing through ‘Strumpets With Trumpets‘ magazine, a fine read indeed.

However, once in a while I will sit down to tackle a novel of some description, especially if it promises rip-roaring adventure and lashings of intrigue – which brings me to Mr. Darren Craske’s fine début, The Equivoque Principle, which I completed reading very recently. ‘Tis a book The Times news-paper declared to be full of, ‘boisterous comedy and hairpin plot twists’, which is nice – but of course, the only opinion really worth hearing is mine, and it is that opinion I shall be sharing with you, in this my very first book review!

And then, as if that was not already thrilling enough, I shall be giving YOU – my dear, loyal readers – the chance to win one of FIVE copies of this very tome! Huzzah, and then huzzah some more!

But first, let me tell you more about the fiction in question. The Equivoque Principle is an adventure set in London, in 1853. It follows the exploits of a group of performers hailing from Dr. Marvello’s Travelling Circus, who find themselves embroiled in a terrible mystery after one of their number is killed, with another – the strongman Prometheus – accused of the murder.

As the bodies pile up, and the plot thickens, it is up to the circus’ leader, the master conjurer Cornelius Quaint, to get to the bottom of the whole sorry business, and clear Prometheus’ name. But it quickly transpires that there is much more to this affair than Quaint had ever hoped – or indeed feared…

(It is at this point you should imagine some deeply ominous and incredibly dramatic chords being played).

So, did I – Lord Likely, Aristocratic Adventurer and Gentle-Man of Action -  enjoy this tale of murder and mystery? In a word, yes. In two words: oh yes!

The Equivoque Principle is a highly enjoyable read, which rolls along at a furious pace, barely letting up at all. The chapters are remarkably short, which is perfect if, like me, you are reading the book in between bouts of vigorous intercourse, or whilst embroiled in a round of fisticuffs with a nefarious blaggard. However, as the mystery deepens, and the danger increases, I found myself reading many chapters in a row, wilfully succumbing to that old ‘just one more chapter…’ syndrome synonymous with the page-turning adventure (a feeling I am sure all of you are familiar with as well, eh?)

I was rather surprised to see Mr. Quaint accompanied on his mission by an Eskimo assistant named Butter, who I first assumed to be some sort of distant relation to my own man-servant, Botter. However, after reading about how very intelligent, resourceful, and utterly non-repellent Butter was, I realised that such thinking was pure folly on my part.  Butter is like the anti-Botter, a valet one would be delighted to have on one’s side, rather than a valet who speaks from his backside.

The main protagonist of the piece is the aforementioned magician Cornelius Quaint, whom I warmed to very quickly. An older gent of impeccable breeding and good manners, Quaint also has a nose for a jolly good adventure, and is not afraid to wade into battle when the need arises, and break some noses.

I liked Mr. Quaint greatly, and found him to be a most agreeable chap whom I would happily accompany to a nearby tavern for a few beers…although I dare say that I would politely refuse to partake in any card-games with the quick-handed conjurer. Heaven knows I have lost enough in card-games before now.

Anyway:  yes. I thoroughly enjoyed The Equivoque Principle, and reckon it to be a ridiculously readable and remarkably rousing romp, resplendent with ribald repartee, ruthless rogues and rollicking risk-taking. Which is not easy for me to say, I can tell you. Especially when sloshed.

If I might make two small complaints, they would be that there should have been illustrations throughout (or at least at the part where a beautiful woman exposes her ample cleavage to a pub landlord) and I would also request lashings of nookie (or at least at the part where a beautiful woman exposes her ample cleavage to a pub landlord).

As I understand it, further Cornelius Quaint adventures are in the offing, and I look forward to reading more exhilarating escapades, with hopefully more cleavage shots.

Good show, Mr. Craske!

Now then – to business! My good chums at The Friday Project (the wondrous HarperCollins imprint who published this book) have generously donated five copies of The Equivoque Principle to me, to pass onto five lucky readers. Not only that, but they are five copies of the limited-edition hardback, each one signed by Mr. Darren Craske himself! Only the best for my loyal readers, you know.

To win one of these excellent prizes, just answer this simple, magic-related question:

Is this your card?

The five most witty, interesting, inventive, or imaginative responses shall secure the prizes, so get thine thinking-hats on, and then leave a comment below, or contact me by electrical missive at hislordship@lordlikely.com

My decision is final, no correspondence shall be entered into, sexual favours, however, may well yield results.

The closing date for entries is Monday the 24th of August, at 1pm British Time (i.e the correct time). Good luck, chums!

Alternatively, if you wish to buy yourself a copy right this instant, then you can purchase the recently-released paperback through Amazon (although why anyone would choose to purchase books from a jungle I shall never know – you might get bitten by a monkey or something.) Alternatively,  you can even buy it for a remarkably reasonable price in Electronic Book form, from Waterstone’s. Hooray!

Good luck again and toodle-pip for now!

- Lord Likely.

BLOODY big, bulging, buggering ball-sacks.

It appears that since transcribing the last chapter of my current astonishing adventure – The Puzzling Pearl Necklace Puzzle – I have somehow misplaced my journal (pictured above), inside of which were all the notes for the forthcoming chapters of this incredible tale.

Big, steaming piles of elephantine effluence.

Of course, my memory has been well and truly water-logged thanks to my consumption of a near-Herculean quantity of alcohol, so without the journal at hand I cannot accurately convey the astonishing adventure at hand – hence the three-week lull you have all had to experience. You poor, Likely-deprived people. It must have been ruddy hell for you all.

I have been trying to think where I might have left my journal, and so far I have only managed to come up with these possibilities:

i) I left it in a lady’s bed-chamber (highly probable).

ii) I used it to beat a vagrant about the head, and left it embedded in his skull.

iii) A thieving no-good stole it.

iv) It has been confiscated by government agents, on the basis that the levels of brilliance contained within may prove too much for the public to handle.

v) My man-servant, Botter, mistakenly threw it away in a moment of all-too typical thick-headedness.

vi) I left it in a lady (less probable).

Other than those possibilities, I have drawn a blank, despite my tireless, never-ending efforts to relocate my prized journal, as evidenced by the illustration below:

(Illustration skillfully and sexily drawn by Mr. Sheldon Goodman. Further examples of his excellent artistry may be found by going hither.)

So, despite my best attempts to thrash out some clues as to my journal’s whereabouts, I really just do not know where it might be. Yes, for once, I – Lord Likely, Aristocratic Adventurer and Gentle-Man of Action – am completely and utterly bamboozled. I know – ’tis shocking, is it not?

For that very reason, I have decided to turn to YOU – my loyal readers and fantastic followers – to help me locate this critically important book!

If any of you have any suggestions as to where my journal may be, or if you think you have seen it, or have pictorial evidence of it’s current whereabouts, then please do let me know. Either leave a comment below, or send an electronic missive to:  hislordship@lordlikely.com

The person who’s suggestion either leads me to recover my journal, or the one which I declare to be the most imaginative/witty/arousing of all, will win an actual PRIZE – your very own brand-new journal, into which you can chronicle your own astonishing adventures!

As if that was not thrilling enough, I shall also personally sign the journal with my own noble hand, thus making the prize completely unique, totally invaluable and utterly priceless!

So hurry, my friends – help me track down my journal, lest the world be denied further astonishing adventures!

The future of humanity’s very well-being lies in YOUR hands!

Yours wonderfully,

- Lord Likely.