AH, CAN you feel that, dear readers? The excitement in the air? I have not felt so much excitement in the air since the time I took a hot-air balloon ride over an all-female nudist camp. I shall never forget that day, nor the look on the ladies’ faces as I dropped my bags over the side, and gently descended into their neatly-trimmed compound.

Ah, such wonderful memories.

Anyway – where was I? Oh yes – EXCITEMENT!

Yes, there is plenty of excitement abounding to-day, for I am about to reveal the five lucky winners of my curious conjuring contest, each of whom shall be winning a copy of Mr. Darren Craske’s excellent Victorian mystery, The Equivoque Principle – in hardback, and signed by the good fellow himself!

As you may recall, last week I showed you the above illustration, and asked you – my dear, firm-bottomed readership – to answer a very simple question – is this your card?

The response was truly fabulous, and the creative approaches to answering the question in question made my balls tingle with delight. In a way, you are all winners to-day, but in another entirely more accurate way, only five of you are ACTUAL winners, who shall be bagging the aforementioned book. And here are those five…

The first to respond, was Mr. Capricorn, who penned this witty retort:

“Certainly NOT my Lord, as soon I tried to seize it using my trusty battle scissors, I realized I was in need of a new screen.

Card it is certainly NOT!”

For having caused poor Mr. Capricorn to blunt his battle scissors, I am sending him a copy of the book. Apologies, sir!

Next up is Pseudonymph, who had this enticing proposition:

“Is it my card?
I believe not. Whilst I would dearly love to have a firm reproduction of His Lordship about my person at all time, I am not in a position to possess one. However, if his lordship would like to contact me about the position he would like me to be in, we could come to an arrangement.”

Oh-ho! I shall be in touch to arrange you later, m’dear!

Lady Catherine, meanwhile, wrote:

“Oh, that that were my card! The Lord beats all other court cards hands down – why, he certainly saw that Jack off. I shudder to think what he might do for me during an enthusiastic Poker bout!”

For including an excellent masturbation reference, and because I want to see her Poker face, and indeed poke her face, the lady also snares a copy of the book. Hoorah!

The next winner is BeBe, who wrote this touching entry:

“Surely you jest, I would not be the Queen that I am with such a card. No, kind sir that is definitely not my card. My card would be the Queen of Hearts for it is hearts that break when thou doth not measure up to a Lord such as yourself.”

Ne’er a truer word ever spake, and for that reason a copy of the book shall be forthcoming to you, m’dear!

And finally, we come to Mr. Ian Alexander Martin, who submitted the longest entry by far, and we all know that size really does matter when it comes to a good entry. Behold!

“To get right to the point of the matter; the matter’s point, if you will; the purpose of the thing; the thing’s purpose; to wit and to woo (and Your Lordships knows a thing or two about how to woo; woo-hoo!); to…

Sorry, what was the question…?

Ah yes: card. Is that mine?

Sadly, no… Were I to be so blessed — BLESSED, I tell ‘ee — to have a card bearing not one, but two images of that sterling visage (that of the very Lord Likely Himself) then I should have a life which was complete in all things! Oh yes!

Although a bottle of whisky as well would also be quite fine, thank you for asking.

Were I to have a card with that double-headed profile of Stunning Masculine Glory, and a bottle of whisky, and a willing chamber maid with a firm bottom and a generous flying buttress, well then all would be a brilliant series of day-upon-days!

However, since many things cannot be provided willie-nilly (no, not your willie, m’Lord; it would make me feel so ashamed of mine own), such a thing which I refer to as a ‘life’ is my sad lot upon this thing we call Earth. Woe — oh woe! — is me. [sniff]

One might, however, find some cheer with the reading of a copy of some fine book of magical murder, mystery, and intrigue. Have you got one of those about, perchance…?”

Fine work, sir, and well worthy of a free book! Hooray!

Congratulations to each and every winner! Be sure to contact me by electrical mail and give me your names and addresses, so that I may send your prizes out to you all by first-class courier pigeon!  And a hearty slap on the back to all those who entered – jolly good show, everyone! Also, may thanks to my smooth-thighed chums at The Friday Project for supplying these marvellous prizes – many thanks indeed!

If you did not win to-day, do not forget that Mr. Craske’s fine adventure is available to purchase in paperback from the Amazon, and can also be downloaded in electrical form for less than three pounds from hither. Treat yourself – ’tis a grand romp indeed!

Rightio, I am off to go and saw a lady in half. I simply cannot wait to thrust my large tool into her box!

Be back here at the end of the week for further excellence, and then next week shall see the commencement of my latest adventure – Lord Likely and the Bloody Nuisances!

Until then, toodle-pip, dear readers!

- Lord Likely.