YOU MAY well hear talk of some sort of diamond jubilee taking place this year, but I urge you all to dispel such nonsense from your minds immediately. There is only one jubilee worth celebrating and that, my dear readers, is MINE. For this year sees the fifth anniversary of my Astonishing Adventures, or my ‘Wooden Jubilee’, as I like to call it. Rather apt for a fellow who himself will often be found to be ‘sporting wood’.

It was upon this day, five years ago, that I took pen to hand and wrote the following wondrous words:

“Being a hard-working member of the aristocracy is tiresome fare indeed. When not deciding which hat to wear, or attending private functions, or stabbing a beggar, there are countless other tasks which all vie for my finite attention.

That was the opening of my first ever Astonishing Adventure, entitled ‘The Peculiar Prostitute Predicament’, a thrilling tale about murderous harlots which enraptured the globe, leaving people on the edge of their seats as the action unfolded. It also introduced the world to my glorious self – Lord Likely, Aristocratic Adventurer and Gentle-Man of Action. From that day on, literature would ne’er again be the same, and society would be fundamentally altered for all time. And, of course, millions upon millions of ladies would begin to view their partners with acute disappointment, dismayed to find them failing to measure up in comparison to me. Quite literally, in most instances.

Since then, my adventures have gone from strength to strength, wowing more and more readers with each new fresh exploit. Admiring words have poured forth from my myriad readers, including the national press, when The Guardian newspaper declared my adventures to be one of the ‘best of the web’ three years ago (see the sidebar, left). Celebrated performers of the day have also stepped forth to heap praise upon my deserving shoulders, such as comic actorMr. Rob Riggle, who wrote to me stating, ‘I am a fan. Well done, sir….I throughly enjoyed reading your site and I look forward to reading more of your adventures!‘ A very astute chap indeed, that one.

I have also been drawn by modern artists, joined forces with talented authors such as Mr. Darren Craske and Mr. Jonathan Pinnock and formed an uneasy alliance with the bafflingly popular musician, Professor Elemental. I have even conquered the airwaves in the form of my own astonishing audio play, and I have made exemplary use of this new-fangled moving picture technology, as you can see below. There is no medium I cannot thrive in!

Truly, it has been a fantastic and formidable five years, and I am truly grateful for anyone who has stopped by to read my words, or who has left a comment, or who has befriended me ‘pon the Twittering Device or the Book of Many Faces. You are all superlative souls, and I should like to buy you all a drink. Just one between you all, mind. You shall have to pass it around. I am not made of money (unlike the suit I am currently wearing, I hasten to add).

Despite such a delectable half-decade of dazzlement, I am not going to rest upon my laurels, no matter how comfortable they may be. The next couple of months shall be a veritable whirlwind of activity based around my Wooden Jubilee, including all sorts of wonders. There shall be laughter. There shall be highly-charged eroticism. There shall be special prizes, and – most importantly – an all-new Astonishing Adventure. EGAD!

So do be sure to keep coming back, for I would hate you all to miss anything. But I do ask that you bring a bottle, for above all else, I intend to get blind, roaringly DRUNK in celebration.

Let the party commence!

Toodle-pip!

- Lord Likely.

IN recognition of the second anniversary of my astonishing adventures, and in celebration of my  continued wonderfulness, I decided to commission professional strip-cartoonist Mr. Jamie Smart to draw a comical piece capturing me in all my undoubted glory.

The above splendid strip-cartoon is the result of Mr. Smart’s toil, and I am sure you will agree that he has done a marvellous job in embodying my truly complex and varied nature. Also, he has managed to make my moustache look as luxuriant as ever. Huzzah!

Mr. Jamie Smart is a comic-strip artist (as opposed to a comic strip-artist, which is an entirely different prospect altogether) who has put his mighty talents to use drawing pictures and writing words for American comic books, to t-shaped shirts, as worn by the more uncouth members of society.

You may peruse his fine portfolio of work both hither and thither.

Mr. Smart’s cartoon-strip is the first of many tributes to my fabulous self which I shall be sharing with you over the next two weeks or thereabouts. If you wish to share in the Likely Worship, then do feel free to send your lines of verse, your perfect prose, your artistic daubings or even your full musical compositions to Likely Towers via electrical mail:

hislordship@lordlikely.com

I shall then print them here for all my readers to view with their eyeballs, which shall serve to make you seem a thousand per-cent more attractive instantly by mere association with one as incredible as I.

Now, let the celebrations recommence! I demand more booze, and/or naked breasts.

- Lord Likely.