AS REGULAR readers of these journals will be aware, I am deep in the midst of writing my first ever novel, due for release in the coming months. As anticipation mounts, I thought I would spare some of my precious time to help YOUR literary ambitions, by revealing some useful tips I have learnt over the course of writing this book. My benevolence knows no bounds! 

Here then, is my invaluable and incomparable writing advice. Quills at the ready, ladies and gentle-men!

1. Master the basics.

 My first writing tip would be to make sure that you are writing with the TIP of your writing implement. I can still recall, with considerable pain, the time when I composed an epic fantasy trilogy, comprising three, 900-word tomes, only to find that I had been using the wrong end of my quill throughout the entire enterprise. I had to restart the process from scratch, this time with actual ink on paper, but gave up after the first paragraph as I was so ruddy dispirited by the whole affair at that point. I cannot stress this enough: USE THE RIGHT END.

2. Write it yourself, you lazy cur.

Some lazy, less-talented individuals may decide to take a back seat and employ a ghost-writer to pen their book. This is a false economy indeed, for a ghost-writer cannot hold any sort of writing implement without it passing straight through their hand, so are utterly, utterly useless. In addition, they spend most of their time wailing and moaning and clanking chains, which I get quite enough of from my servants, thank you very much. No, nothing beats your own authentic voice, and furthermore you would not end up wasting so much of your time cleaning ectoplasm off of all your surfaces.

3.  Grab your readers by the balls – the eyeballs, that is – AND NEVER LET THEM GO. 

You have very little time in which to grab your reader’s attention and to keep it. Your readers are busy people, with things to do and other opening paragraphs to read. You need to make an impact, and make an impact FAST, like a rotund gentle-man plummeting off of a diving board. Make the very first word of the book something eye-catching, like ‘KABOOM!’ ‘POW!’ or ‘BREASTS!’ Hook the reader in, then batter them into submission against the tree-stump of your writing. Throw them, blinking and disoriented, straight into the action, as I have done, as demonstrated by this chapter heading from my own forthcoming tome:

Perfect. Absolutely ruddy perfect.

4. Character is key. 

Your characters are everything. Without sufficiently interesting and complex characters, you may as well simply deposit your manuscript beside the toilet, and leave it for others to wipe their filthy backsides on, as that would be the only use it would have to offer. Of course, in my case I am drawing from my own life experiences, and I am a most interesting and complex character indeed, not to mention devilishly handsome, strong, well-endowed and ridiculously attractive. The rest of you can try to make a character as immediately appealing as I (ha! Good luck!) but if all else fails, simply go through your manuscript and replace your main protagonist’s name with the words ‘Lord Likely’ instead. Guaranteed success awaits!

5. Keep your writing fresh.

You may spend hours, days maybe even a few weeks writing your magnum opus, but how do you prevent your writing getting stale as time marches on and your attention span wavers? If you get bored of your work, you can bet every farthing you have that your readers will get bored too, and may well slip into a coma. A coma that YOU caused by your tedious scribblings! To prevent that idea from playing on your conscience, be sure to keep plenty of alcohol on stand-by. I find that I am constantly surprised and thrilled by my own writing if I propel myself into a state of blind, roaring drunkenness as I write. I never know what may flow forth from my sozzled brain, and it is always a delight to return to a manuscript-in-progress the next morning with no recollection of what I wrote the night before. Needless to say, it is ALWAYS astounding.

6. Editing is for the weak.

This may be something approaching heresy among writing circles, but I firmly believe that editing is completely superfluous to requirements, a giant literary con perpetuated by editors over the years to give them something to do. As far as I’m concerned, if you cannot get your story perfect on the first go, then you have no business being in writing and may as well jab the pen right in your eye and slit your own throat with the side of a sheet of paper. If you so much as embark upon a second draft, then you are effectively saying that you are a weak, pathetic creature who cannot write for toffee. A builder does not get to go back, pull some bricks out of his newly-constructed house, and replace them with new ones. A soldier cannot run into a battlefield, and then ask for a second try afterwards as there were some things they felt they could improve upon. You get one shot at everything in life, and writing, I feel, should be no different. As the old adage goes: “If at first you don’t succeed, give up, you terrible, terrible failure.”

7. Ignore writing guides.

There are a lot of other writers who spend their time trying to tell you how to write, and I can guarantee that each and every one of them will be espousing nothing more than complete and utter arse-water. None of them REALLY know what they are doing, for they are all far too drunk to have any firm grasp of what is going on. Some of them may have attained some sort of triumph and think they now know all the answers, but they do NOT. They simply got lucky, and stumbled into success like a drunkard tumbling into a hedge, and in both cases, they’ve ended up somewhere, but have no recollection of how exactly they got there. If writers truly knew what worked, they would have bottled it and used it to guarantee that every single book they write is a smash-hit success and spent their hours swimming about in a vat of gold coins rather than helping the likes of you, you ignorant pauper.

No-one knows what they are doing, no-one has the answers, no-one is your mentor. Except for me, naturally. And now that I have spoken, go forth and do as I do, and I can GUARANTEE* that you shall be writing the next best-seller.

Toodle-pip!

– Lord Likely.

*guarantee not guaranteed.

Lord Likely’s first novel will be available soon. To keep up-to-date with the latest developments, please sign up to his news-letter right now. Or not, but then it would be your loss, to be honest.

“Botter,” I said, as I strode into the living room of my luxurious mansion on a sunny, April morn. “Get yourself packed, my good man. We are going!”

“Going?” repeated Botter, adhering to a lifelong pattern of complete befuddlement and utter bewilderment. “Going where, milord?”

“I do not know, Botter. All I do know is that we are most definitely going.”

Botter looked at me quizzically.

“Are you sure you’re alright, milord? Are you sure you still have a full compliment of marbles?”

“Good heavens, Botter! Is this concept really too much for you to grasp? I have the wanderlust, you ridiculous arse-pipe, and as such I wish to wander. Where to? I do not know. All I do know is that I wish to just…go. There is so much world out there left to explore; unimaginable adventures to be had; exotic, foreign ladies to be pumped full of my lordly sperm…we should grab the world by the buttocks, Botter, and thrust ourselves deeply within it. And as my uncle, the renowned watch-maker ‘Big’ Ben Likely once said: ‘There is no time like the present!’ Or was it ‘there is no present like the time?’ It might have been a sales pitch. I forget now. At any rate, we are going! So prepare to pack, Botter! Let us get to it, pronto!”

“Y-yes, milord,” Botter stammered. “Right away!”

“Good chap. We shall have to travel lightly, Botter. We do not want to weigh ourselves down with any unnecessary baggage!”

“Very good, milord,” Botter mumbled.

I stood in the grounds of the Likely Estate, surveying the distant horizon, and the untold possibilities beyond it. The thought of taking this exciting, much-needed holiday was appealing to me more and more, and I simply could not wait to start.

“Come on, Botter!” I yelled to my infuriatingly slow man-servant. “We haven’t got all day.”

“C-coming!” wheezed Botter, as he staggered to my side, laden with my luggage. “A-are you sure you really need all these things, milord? It…it does not strike me as travelling very lightly, if I may say so.”

Botter and I prepare to embark upon our next Astonishing Adventure.

“Nonsense, Botter! Why, look! I have only packed one crate of whisky, for heaven’s sake! And I managed to whittle down my prized collection of erotic lithographs to a mere suitcase full, which was no easy task, I can tell you. There was much concentrated deliberation over the final selection.”

“B-but a toilet, milord? I…I’m sure they will have toilets abroad…”

“Filthy, foreign toilets, Botter! My word, if I wanted something dirty and strange entering my anus, then I would at least like to be bought several drinks first. Just be thankful I did not chose to bring my solid-gold lavatory with me.”

“V-very good, milord,” puffed Botter.

“Right then! So we are set! I think we shall go….thataway!” I exclaimed, pointing due West. “I believe there is a public house in that direction where we might stop for a quick drink. Although, there is a particularly attractive bar-maid in the pub in the other direction…”

“Whu-whatever you like, milord,” Botter gasped as he struggled with my various cases. “C-can we just get moving? Muh-my back is killing me!”

“That’s the spirit, Botter!” I smiled, punching my man-servant playfully upon his shoulder. “Onwards and upwards, eh? Well then, as the French say: ‘mon pantalon a été mangé par les chiens sauvages‘! No, wait. That means ‘my trousers have been eaten by wild dogs’. That’s not right at all….what was it, now?…”

“A-allez?” said Botter, wearily.

“A lay? I dare say there shall be a lot of laying, Botter, but I do not see how that helps me remember my French…ah, well. Never mind. Never did care much for the French, anyway. They have sex with horses, don’t you know?”

“Ruh-really.” said Botter.

“Mmm. Quite so. Alright, then,” I beamed, clapping my hands together. “Let’s go! Come on, Botter! Allez! Allez!”

And with that, Botter and I set off on our exciting expedition. I dare say there shall be scant time to continue keeping a diary while I am on holiday, so I fear I shall have to bid your a fond farewell for now.

Suffice to say, I shall regale you with the tales of my travels whence I return, provided I still have the power of sight, and have not been sexed to death by cock-hungry Amazonians.

Until then, toodle-pip, dear readers. Toodle-pip!

– Lord Likely.

Editor’s note: Lord Likely shall be away on his astonishing adventure holiday for the next two to three weeks, but fear not, dear readers! While Lord Likely is away, a selection of scintillating scribes and wondrous writers shall be penning some astonishing articles for his lordship’s web-log, beginning this week with the Reverend Qelqoth. Also lined up are Mr. Don Lewis, Mr. Relax Max and the delectable Miss. Claire, to name a few.

If you should also like to write a guest post in his lordship’s absence, then do feel free to contact us through the magic of electronical mail, via this very address: lord likely at gmail dot com. All ideas considered, nudes a speciality!

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