The Astonishing Adventures of
Aristocratic Adventurer and Gentle-man of Action
"A journal so exciting, I fear I soiled myself no less than fourteen times."
THE DAILY NEWS SHEET
"Utterly wonderful. Upon reading Lord Likely's diaries, I went out and set fire to a homeless wretch to celebrate."
THE LONDON LOOKER
"I ejaculated so hard, my library had to be closed off for an entire week."
LORD FISHSTICK'S NEWSPAPER
"Everyone should buy a copy of these diaries, then have sex with them."
THE ILLUSTRATED JOURNAL OF NEWS
"Hear ye, hear ye, Lord Likely is fucking ace!"
THE TOWN CRIER
Friday, March 30th, 2007
March, 1856 Having clapped eyes on Miss Eileen Nipples, I quite forgot about the missing Russian ambassador, and chose instead to pursue this most ravishing of creatures. I straightened my top-hat, took a swig of whisky out of my hip-flask, and advanced towards Miss Eileen Nipples. “Excuse me, madam,” I said, making sure to doff [...]
Thursday, March 29th, 2007
March, 1856. Botter and I took a carriage to London Town, eager to get our teeth into another exciting adventure. Well, I was eager, at any rate. Botter complained about the whole affair, until I silenced him by hitting his testicles with a pipe. Unlike our carriage ride in our last adventure, this journey passed [...]
Tuesday, March 27th, 2007
March 27th, 1856 The day began much like any other. That is to say, it started with the morning. I was busily waxing my moustache when I heard Botter return from the shops, where he had been sent to purchase essential items for the house. I finished off styling my proud whiskers, then hastened downstairs [...]
Thursday, March 22nd, 2007
22nd March 1856 More things I have stabbed with my trusty fencing sword, over the years… A Grizzly Bear: When a Chinese Circus (bearing the slogan ‘Where Animals Are Beaten For Your Pleasure!’) came to town, I was reluctantly dragged along to witness the awful spectacle by a friend of mine, Lord John Ratzenberger, who [...]
Wednesday, March 21st, 2007
March 21st, 1856 As an aristocrat, with money and time in plentiful supply, I like to indulge in various hobbies and entertainments. One of my favourite past-times is fencing, and many an afternoon I can be found, waving my weapon in another man’s face. I own my very own fencing sword, the use of which [...]
Sunday, March 18th, 2007
Mothering Sunday, 1856. I do not know much about my own mother. I have never met her, or if I did, I certainly do not recall the encounter. My mother, unlike my father, was not a member of the British aristocracy. She was, in fact, a one-eyed prostitute from the Far East, whom my father [...]
Wednesday, March 14th, 2007
March 15th, 1856 “That’s right, no cock. Not so much as a stump. All of it – gone.” Sir Marcus Chuffington-Fapps flailed his arms wildly, as he regaled us with the story of his unfortunate encounter with Mrs. Dinklesuck and her blood-thirsty hussies. We were enjoying a light supper at a local eatery, all of [...]
Tuesday, March 13th, 2007
Still in March, 1856 Having roundly defeated Mrs. Dinklesuck and her killer prostitutes, my companions and I entered their house to ascertain exactly what terrible secrets lay within, and hopefully bring this whole awful affair to it’s conclusion. A thorough search of the building proved fruitless. There seemed nothing remotely untoward about the house, save [...]
Monday, March 12th, 2007
The same day, 1856 In some of my wildest dreams, I have fantasised about having a legion of prostitutes descend upon me, ready and willing to perform any sexual act my filthy mind could conjure. What reality presented to me instead, however, was a legion of prostitutes descending upon me, bearing an assortment of weapons, [...]
Monday, March 12th, 2007
March the Twelfth, Eighteen Fifty-Six We returned to Mrs. Dinklesuck’s house-come-brothel promptly, eager to make our acquaintance of this Mark fellow, and bring to a conclusion this baffling mystery. Inspector Spunkleford knocked briskly upon the door, which was then opened by the senior slut herself. “Oh!”, she exclaimed, genuinely surprised to see us again. “It’s [...]
Lord Likely was a renowned member of the English aristocracy in the Victorian era. Tales of his exhilarating, enthralling and highly erotic exploits were legendary, but only now have his own, personal diaries resurfaced (found in a branch of Help the Aged in Swindon), shedding light on the life of this extraordinary eccentric.
Warning: these journals contain material that some people may find terribly offensive, or incredibly arousingPeruse Further...
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