The Astonishing Adventures of
Aristocratic Adventurer and Gentle-man of Action
"A journal so exciting, I fear I soiled myself no less than fourteen times."
THE DAILY NEWS SHEET
"Utterly wonderful. Upon reading Lord Likely's diaries, I went out and set fire to a homeless wretch to celebrate."
THE LONDON LOOKER
"I ejaculated so hard, my library had to be closed off for an entire week."
LORD FISHSTICK'S NEWSPAPER
"Everyone should buy a copy of these diaries, then have sex with them."
THE ILLUSTRATED JOURNAL OF NEWS
"Hear ye, hear ye, Lord Likely is fucking ace!"
THE TOWN CRIER
Monday, April 28th, 2008
April, 1857. “So, you must be Mr. The Beast,” I said calmly, as the slavering beast advanced upon me. “I don’t suppose you would care for a cup of tea, or something?” “Grrrrrarrrgggh!” said the beast. “Grrrrarrrgggh?” I repeated. “Good heavens, your diction is really quite awful. Now listen here, old chap, you’ve been rather [...]
Friday, April 25th, 2008
April, 1857. After some considerable deliberation upon my part, I decided that rather than wait to receive another Venetian Cock Twist from the delectable Lady Rydeham-Harde, my time would be more productively spent venturing into the dark and scary woods, where the so-called beast had last been sighted. “Are you sure, milord?” Botter asked nervously. [...]
Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008
April the Twenty-Third, 1857 – St. George’s Day. Today is St. George’s Day, a day where loyal Englishmen up and down the land and throughout the Empire join together and do…well, nothing, really. Absolutely ruddy nothing. St. George’s Day is often forgotten by my fellow Englishmen, who seem to prefer to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day [...]
Monday, April 21st, 2008
April, 1857. “Well, come on then! What is that in your trousers, sir?” Lady Rydeham-Harde repeated. I looked down at the considerable bulge in my pocket, then looked up at the lady, then to Inspector Spunkleford, who was frantically nodding his head in the negative as if to suggest that I should definitely not whip [...]
Thursday, April 17th, 2008
April, 1857. “Your ladyship, I have decided I would like to commence my investigations by seeing the body,” I remarked, as I leaned casually against the banister of the stairs. “Well, good,” replied Lady Rydeham-Harde. “At last, some progress.” “Of course, when I say ‘the body’, I mean ‘your body’. And when I say ‘seeing’ [...]
Tuesday, April 15th, 2008
April, 1857. “I shall take the case!” I exclaimed excitedly. “I shall go to Rydeham-Harde House, and I shall investigate the brutal murder of that poor, unfortunate maid!” “That is just as well, Likely,” said Inspector Spunkleford. “After all, we are at Rydeham-Harde House now.” “What?” said I. It was at this point that I [...]
Friday, April 11th, 2008
April, 1857. Writing these very journals is usually an exceedingly simple task. Being so incredibly gifted and ridiculously talented, I find that writing is almost second-nature to me, like breathing, or love-making, or crapping into my man-servant’s bed. However, as my last entry proves, I was having great difficulty in penning an article worthy of [...]
Tuesday, April 8th, 2008
April the Ninth, Eighteen Fifty-Seven. It was a dark and stormy night. I know that is a terribly clichÃ©d way to commence a tale, but it also happens to be fact in this instance. It was a dark and stormy night. There was darkness, there was a storm and it was the night-time; thus all [...]
Sunday, April 6th, 2008
Of course, whilst I will happily take Dr. Buttock’s money for running his advertisement in my journals, I should like to make it clear that I have never made use of the advertised programme, nor will I ever need to do so. – Lord Likely. A Very Important Update! Lord Likely Tosses One Off!His greatness, [...]
Tuesday, April 1st, 2008
April 1st, 1857. “What ails you milord? You seem remarkably down, if I may say so. You look like a man who lost a pound then found a penny, and that penny was covered in shit. Is everything alright, milord?” For once, Botter had proven to be rather astute. My countenance was indeed conveying my [...]
Lord Likely was a renowned member of the English aristocracy in the Victorian era. Tales of his exhilarating, enthralling and highly erotic exploits were legendary, but only now have his own, personal diaries resurfaced (found in a branch of Help the Aged in Swindon), shedding light on the life of this extraordinary eccentric.
Warning: these journals contain material that some people may find terribly offensive, or incredibly arousingPeruse Further...
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