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Archive for August, 2007
Falling From the Family Tree
Friday, August 31st, 2007
July, 1856 I emerged from the police station, blinking, into the hot, bright, sunny streets of New York. People bustled through the city, trying to avoid getting run over by one of the numerous carriages that swept up and down the road, seemingly intent on not stopping for anyone. “Fuck me, it’s warm,” I said, […]
Tags: botter, Guy Fawkes, James II, Lightnin Lance Likely, Lord Likely, Ludlow Likely, New York, New-York Evening Post, Shirley Swallows
Posted in An Astonishing American Adventure | 7 Comments »
The Law is an Ass
Tuesday, August 28th, 2007
July 1856 My eyes snapped open, and I sat bolt upright, sweat pouring off of my brow. “Where in the name of cockery am I?” I yelled, leaping to my feet, letting a filthy cotton bed-sheet fall to the ground as I did. I attempted to survey my strange surroundings, but the room appeared to […]
Tags: America, ass, botter, Captain Dick Jerker, jail, Lord Likely, Ludlow Likely, New York
Posted in An Astonishing American Adventure | 12 Comments »
The Jerker Report
Saturday, August 25th, 2007
July, 1856. From the report of Captain Dick Jerker, of the New York City Police Department: I ordered my men to continue firing upon the pirate ship ‘The Hairy Clam‘ that was advancing onto US shores, until I saw the vessel rocked with explosions and saw it sink beneath the waves, no doubt taking it’s […]
Tags: botter, Captain Dick Jerker, jail, Lord Likely, New York, police, The Hairy Clam, United States of America
Posted in An Astonishing American Adventure | 12 Comments »
A Warm Welcome to America
Wednesday, August 22nd, 2007
July, 1856. As we approached solid land for the first time in weeks, I could clearly see the stars and stripes of the American flag flying from the roof-top of a small building on the coast. Either we had chanced upon another country with precisely the same flag as the US, or we were finally […]
Tags: America, botter, cannon, rum, The Hairy Clam, vomit
Posted in An Astonishing American Adventure | 9 Comments »
What Shall We Do With the Drunken Sailor?
Sunday, August 19th, 2007
July, 1856 And so, having taken complete and utter control of the Hairy Clam, we continued to sail onwards to America, to answer the call from my brother, Ludlow. I say ‘we’, but of course Botter did most of the actual sailing, while I decided to relieve the ship of it’s supplies of rum, of […]
Tags: alcohol, botter, drunk, Ludlow Likely, sailing, shark, The Hairy Clam, United States of America
Posted in An Astonishing American Adventure | 16 Comments »
Clam Lappers
Thursday, August 16th, 2007
June, 1856 “There you go, my dear,” I said, rolling off of Captain Labia NoBeard, after I had issued forth within her. “Thank you, your lordship,” panted Labia, beads of sweat glistening on her chest. “Many thanks indeed.” “Oh no, thank you,” I replied, lighting up two cigarettes. “It was very decent of you to […]
Tags: botter, Captain Labia NoBeard, intercourse, karma-sutra, Lord Palmerston, Pirates, The Hairy Clam
Posted in An Astonishing American Adventure | 14 Comments »
Scratching the Itch
Sunday, August 12th, 2007
June, 1856. And so, Botter and I went on to spend the next couple of days in the captivity of the comely lady pirates. It was not an uncomfortable captivity; indeed, we were allowed to wander freely about the decks of the Hairy Clam, we were fed well, and enjoyed frequent intercourse with the female […]
Tags: botter, breast, Captain Labia NoBeard, crabs, intercourse, Madam Fate, pubic lice, The Hairy Clam
Posted in An Astonishing American Adventure | 8 Comments »
Interval: Lord Likely meets LoopyLisa21f
Wednesday, August 8th, 2007
August, 1856 I wonder if I may momentarily interrupt my recollections about my damned voyage to America, to inform you all of a rather bizarre occurrence which befell me recently. What am I saying? Of course I cocking-well may momentarily interrupt – these are my ruddy journals and I shall do as I damned well […]
Tags: book, Conessions of a Chatroom Freak, courting, interval, LoopyLisa21f, Lord Palmerston, Mr. Biffo
Posted in Random Insertions | 10 Comments »
Post-Coital Peril
Tuesday, August 7th, 2007
June, 1856 It was several hours later when Botter and I finally emerged from the cabin of the Hairy Clam, having been roundly ravaged by the sex-starved female pirates. We both simultaneously lit up a post-coital cigarette each, and gazed out over the moon-lit waters of the ocean. “I haven’t seen that many nipples since […]
Tags: botter, Captain Labia NoBeard, Pirates, sex, The Hairy Clam, treasure
Posted in An Astonishing American Adventure | 10 Comments »
Lord Likely and the Pirates
Saturday, August 4th, 2007
June, 1856 Before Botter and I could beat a hasty retreat from the vicinity of the pirate ship, some masked figures rushed to the side of the vessel and pointed pistols in our general direction. Escape, it seemed, would be impossible. Or, at least, extremely painful. “I would say the game is up, Botter.” I […]
Tags: botter, Captain Labia NoBeard, Lord Palmerston, pillage, Pirates, The Hairy Clam
Posted in An Astonishing American Adventure | 17 Comments »
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About His Lordship
Lord Likely was a renowned member of the English aristocracy in the Victorian era. Tales of his exhilarating, enthralling and highly erotic exploits were legendary, but only now have his own, personal diaries resurfaced (found in a branch of Help the Aged in Swindon), shedding light on the life of this extraordinary eccentric.
Warning: these journals contain material that some people may find terribly offensive, or incredibly arousing
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