The Astonishing Adventures of
Aristocratic Adventurer and Gentle-man of Action
"A journal so exciting, I fear I soiled myself no less than fourteen times."
THE DAILY NEWS SHEET
"Utterly wonderful. Upon reading Lord Likely's diaries, I went out and set fire to a homeless wretch to celebrate."
THE LONDON LOOKER
"I ejaculated so hard, my library had to be closed off for an entire week."
LORD FISHSTICK'S NEWSPAPER
"Everyone should buy a copy of these diaries, then have sex with them."
THE ILLUSTRATED JOURNAL OF NEWS
"Hear ye, hear ye, Lord Likely is fucking ace!"
THE TOWN CRIER
Friday, August 31st, 2007
July, 1856 I emerged from the police station, blinking, into the hot, bright, sunny streets of New York. People bustled through the city, trying to avoid getting run over by one of the numerous carriages that swept up and down the road, seemingly intent on not stopping for anyone. “Fuck me, it’s warm,” I said, [...]
Tuesday, August 28th, 2007
July 1856 My eyes snapped open, and I sat bolt upright, sweat pouring off of my brow. “Where in the name of cockery am I?” I yelled, leaping to my feet, letting a filthy cotton bed-sheet fall to the ground as I did. I attempted to survey my strange surroundings, but the room appeared to [...]
Saturday, August 25th, 2007
July, 1856. From the report of Captain Dick Jerker, of the New York City Police Department: I ordered my men to continue firing upon the pirate ship ‘The Hairy Clam‘ that was advancing onto US shores, until I saw the vessel rocked with explosions and saw it sink beneath the waves, no doubt taking it’s [...]
Wednesday, August 22nd, 2007
July, 1856. As we approached solid land for the first time in weeks, I could clearly see the stars and stripes of the American flag flying from the roof-top of a small building on the coast. Either we had chanced upon another country with precisely the same flag as the US, or we were finally [...]
Sunday, August 19th, 2007
July, 1856 And so, having taken complete and utter control of the Hairy Clam, we continued to sail onwards to America, to answer the call from my brother, Ludlow. I say ‘we’, but of course Botter did most of the actual sailing, while I decided to relieve the ship of it’s supplies of rum, of [...]
Thursday, August 16th, 2007
June, 1856 “There you go, my dear,” I said, rolling off of Captain Labia NoBeard, after I had issued forth within her. “Thank you, your lordship,” panted Labia, beads of sweat glistening on her chest. “Many thanks indeed.” “Oh no, thank you,” I replied, lighting up two cigarettes. “It was very decent of you to [...]
Sunday, August 12th, 2007
June, 1856. And so, Botter and I went on to spend the next couple of days in the captivity of the comely lady pirates. It was not an uncomfortable captivity; indeed, we were allowed to wander freely about the decks of the Hairy Clam, we were fed well, and enjoyed frequent intercourse with the female [...]
Wednesday, August 8th, 2007
August, 1856 I wonder if I may momentarily interrupt my recollections about my damned voyage to America, to inform you all of a rather bizarre occurrence which befell me recently. What am I saying? Of course I cocking-well may momentarily interrupt – these are my ruddy journals and I shall do as I damned well [...]
Tuesday, August 7th, 2007
June, 1856 It was several hours later when Botter and I finally emerged from the cabin of the Hairy Clam, having been roundly ravaged by the sex-starved female pirates. We both simultaneously lit up a post-coital cigarette each, and gazed out over the moon-lit waters of the ocean. “I haven’t seen that many nipples since [...]
Saturday, August 4th, 2007
June, 1856 Before Botter and I could beat a hasty retreat from the vicinity of the pirate ship, some masked figures rushed to the side of the vessel and pointed pistols in our general direction. Escape, it seemed, would be impossible. Or, at least, extremely painful. “I would say the game is up, Botter.” I [...]
Lord Likely was a renowned member of the English aristocracy in the Victorian era. Tales of his exhilarating, enthralling and highly erotic exploits were legendary, but only now have his own, personal diaries resurfaced (found in a branch of Help the Aged in Swindon), shedding light on the life of this extraordinary eccentric.
Warning: these journals contain material that some people may find terribly offensive, or incredibly arousingPeruse Further...
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