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  • The Crest of Lord Likely

    14 July 2014

    Fifteen And A Half Hilarious Victorian Jokes That Would Even Make Her Majesty Laugh

    ‘We are not amused’ is a famous, nay infamous, quote attributed to Her Majesty Queen Victoria. What elicited this retort has not been exactly recorded, but it was probably said after the Queen heard a particularly poor joke, I’d wager. I imagine that the hopeless gag-teller was subsequently hung, for Her Majesty did not suffer fools gladly. A useless comic could, quite literally, die on stage at the royal court.

    To avoid a similar fate yourself, here are some genuine Victorian japes and jokes for you to enjoy, sourced from some of the finest mirth-masters of the age, with which you can become quite the jester for any royalty you may meet in your day-to-day routine. Should you hail from the lower orders, then you can use them to have them rolling in the aisles at your next dinner party, wedding or court hearing. Let the chuckles commence!

    1. What is the difference between Joan of Arc and a canoe? One is Maid of Orleans, the other is made of wood!

    2. Some one crossing a bridge asked Theodore Hook who built the bridge. He replied: “I cannot tell, but if you go over you’ll be tolled!”

    3. A man said that port taken in large quantities made him fat. His friend answered : “I once saw it make you lean – against a lamp-post!”

    4. “See here, wait, I’ve found a button in my salad.” “That’s all right, sir, it’s part of the dressing!”

    5. Who is the greatest chicken-killer in Shakespeare? Macbeth, because he did murder most foul!

    6. If all the seas were dried up, what would Neptune say? I really haven’t got a notion!

    7. Why is the devil riding a mouse like one and the same thing? Because it is synonymous!

    8. What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing omnibuses!

    9. Why is a married man like fire? Because he provokes his wife by going out at night!

    10. “Mary,” said the mistress sternly, “never let me catch you kissing the policeman again.”
    “Lor, mum, I hope not!” replied Mary, “But you do bob up so!”

    11. What is the difference between a tube and a foolish Dutchman? One is a hollow cylinder and the other a silly Hollander!

    12. Why do we generally dub a city ‘her’ or ‘she’?
    Because about a city there is so much bustle and because she has outskirts.

    13. Mistress: Why, Mary, this figure of Venus is covered with dust.”
    Maid: “Yes’m.”
    Mistress: “Didn’t I tell you to brush it off?”
    Maid: “Yes’m.”
    Mistress: “And why didn’t you?”
    Maid (Blushingly): “Because, mem, I thought it needed something on it.”

    14. Why is a woman like the telegraph?
    Because she is always in advance of the mail intelligence.

    15. Why is an aristocratic seminary for young ladies like a flower garden?
    Because it is as place of haughty culture.

    And a Half: Why is the Queen like a hat?

    The reason why the last joke in only half finished is because I should like YOU, my fair readers, to complete the quip! Give me your best punchlines and I shall have the funniest/weirdest/most arousing drawn up as a terribly mirthful, scurrilous and quite possibly treasonous cartoon and presented to the winner as a SPECIAL PRIZE!

    So put on your thinking caps and your pondering trousers, and let me see your punchiest punchlines! Submit them either in the comment box below, or send them via electronic mail to hislordship@lordlikely.com. Alternatively, you can also reach me ‘pon the Twittering Device or at the Book of Many Faces.

    The closing date shall be the First of August. Good luck, and may the wittiest wit win!

    – Lord Likely.

    Jokes sources: Everybody’s Book of Jokes’, Saxon & Co, 1889.

    Victorian London: Random Joke Generator by Mr. Lee Jackson.

    Morticom Authentic 19th Century Jokes.

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    Comments

    45 incredible interjections thus far.

    Joanna Gordon

    She keeps heirs in check

    Joanna Gordon, July 17th, 2014 at 1:13 pm

    Tony Robinson

    She dons a crown when reigning.

    Tony Robinson, July 17th, 2014 at 1:28 pm

    Ruth Barker

    Because she likes good head !!

    Ruth Barker, July 17th, 2014 at 2:21 pm

    Tracy

    because nobody really needs one but we do like to having one to show off.

    Tracy, July 18th, 2014 at 2:37 pm

    Elizabeth

    A hat is the crowning glory

    Elizabeth, July 18th, 2014 at 8:31 pm

    Elizabeth Perring

    A hat is the crowning glory

    Elizabeth Perring, July 18th, 2014 at 8:38 pm

    Noreen

    Because she likes to stay ‘ahead’ of Camilla!

    Noreen, July 19th, 2014 at 8:42 am

    Michael Harris

    One covers a head in a state and the other IS the Head of State.

    Michael Harris, July 19th, 2014 at 10:15 am

    JAN JELLEY

    Cos She wears well

    JAN JELLEY, July 19th, 2014 at 3:59 pm

    Kiran Parry

    Because her hat matches her hair colour

    Kiran Parry, July 19th, 2014 at 4:21 pm

    Colin Gault

    She’s covered alot

    Colin Gault, July 19th, 2014 at 4:35 pm

    David Thomson

    Both keep the “son” off the top!

    David Thomson, July 19th, 2014 at 7:16 pm

    George Spedding

    You don’t know why but it’s something to do with the reign

    George Spedding, July 19th, 2014 at 8:15 pm

    Michael Harris

    A hat protects us from the sun and rain, whilst the Queen protects us from the son reigning!

    Michael Harris, July 20th, 2014 at 8:38 am

    Sally Lloyd-Jones

    They don’t hang around…they always go on ahead!

    Sally Lloyd-Jones, July 20th, 2014 at 8:40 pm

    Nadine Farnan

    Because you only bring them out for special occasions.

    Nadine Farnan, July 20th, 2014 at 10:07 pm

    John Samson

    …because she’s descended from deer stalkers

    John Samson, July 21st, 2014 at 10:36 am

    Craig Malpass

    She offers some use when reigning whilst able to block strong glares from the son.

    Craig Malpass, July 21st, 2014 at 11:38 am

    tam p

    Difficult to pin down but possibly due to the knight she just had

    tam p, July 24th, 2014 at 4:17 am

    Jamie Radford

    The Queen is like a hat- both need to be delicately fingered round the rim!

    Jamie Radford, July 25th, 2014 at 8:41 pm

    adam garner

    one styles the crown and one crowns the style

    adam garner, July 25th, 2014 at 8:49 pm

    Andrew Robson

    She’s kept the son out for her entire rain

    Andrew Robson, July 26th, 2014 at 3:55 pm

    linda vincent

    One smothers the hair apparent and one sometimes would like to

    linda vincent, July 27th, 2014 at 11:41 am

    linda vincent

    It’s the only place where the Royal titfer may be felt

    linda vincent, July 27th, 2014 at 11:53 am

    linda vincent

    Both give the nod if the Royal titfer may be felt

    linda vincent, July 27th, 2014 at 12:09 pm

    Christine Reid

    It hides a titter when the prime minister is slagged on twitter.

    Christine Reid, July 27th, 2014 at 2:31 pm

    Sir Jaws D'Ravanche

    Because you can fit your head inside her, but tthere’s often an uncomfortable rim.

    Sir Jaws D'Ravanche, July 27th, 2014 at 10:18 pm

    Sir Jaws D'Ravanche

    She’s good on top and you can easily wear her out.

    Sir Jaws D'Ravanche, July 27th, 2014 at 10:23 pm

    Tina Vincent

    because she is decorative, a tad old-fashioned and only comes out for special occasions.

    Tina Vincent, July 28th, 2014 at 6:59 pm

    sharon churchill

    Because everything she says goes right over my head!

    sharon churchill, July 29th, 2014 at 7:20 pm

    Helen Rowles

    Like a hat, and a good hairstyle – the longer we have them, the more we treasure them and want to keep them.

    Helen Rowles, July 29th, 2014 at 8:51 pm

    Nige Nightingale

    One’s an old hat and the other’s old hat.

    Nige Nightingale, July 29th, 2014 at 10:30 pm

    Evelyn Masson

    It’s her perfect foil for ” Long to RAIN over us……… !”

    Evelyn Masson, July 30th, 2014 at 10:17 am

    Valerie Handley

    because she has always been a keen summer boater

    Valerie Handley, July 30th, 2014 at 9:56 pm

    DAVID LANGRICK

    INVARIABLY ONE CATCHES THE ‘AYE ‘
    AND PIQUE’S ONE’S CURIOSITY !!

    DAVID LANGRICK, July 31st, 2014 at 10:31 am

    Linda

    Because, Wherever she lays her hat that,s her own.

    Linda, July 31st, 2014 at 2:23 pm

    Daniel Todd

    Because its sat up there looking down on you

    Daniel Todd, July 31st, 2014 at 5:53 pm

    denise farminer

    because they both share crowning glory

    denise farminer, July 31st, 2014 at 7:32 pm

    tam p

    She knows her husband likes get ahead with a titfer

    tam p, August 1st, 2014 at 4:16 am

    Angela Paull

    Both are full to the brim of grey heirs

    Angela Paull, August 1st, 2014 at 8:05 am

    Wendy Pearson

    ‘Brimming’ with con-fidence, runs ’round-heads’ of parliament!?!

    Wendy Pearson, August 1st, 2014 at 5:57 pm

    Brian Moon

    Because there are so many politians with their heads up her arse.

    Brian Moon, August 1st, 2014 at 8:20 pm

    gill colling

    Because she always keeps a cool head

    gill colling, August 1st, 2014 at 8:38 pm

    champaklal lad

    both need to be styled by others before going out

    champaklal lad, August 1st, 2014 at 8:58 pm

    Lord Likely

    MANY thanks for all of your suggestions, ladies and gentlemen! Be assured that I have not forgotten this contest (other things have preoccupied me, momentarily!) but I shall be sure to select a winner form my gold-plated topper very soon indeed. In the meantime, award yourselves a hearty round of applause, and another round of drinks.

    – Lord Likely.

    Lord Likely, September 7th, 2014 at 7:53 pm

    Speak Forth to the Lord

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    Lord Likely was a renowned member of the English aristocracy in the Victorian era. Tales of his exhilarating, enthralling and highly erotic exploits were legendary, but only now have his own, personal diaries resurfaced (found in a branch of Help the Aged in Swindon), shedding light on the life of this extraordinary eccentric.

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