11 September 2013
Taking the Pith
I HAD been pulling the chord on the servant’s bell for what seemed like an eternity; yanking and yanking and yanking and yanking but with no result, like an impotent man indulging in a spot of onanism.
After a while, I tired of this charade, flung back my bed covers and headed off to find my errant man-servant, Botter. ‘Twas barely 11am, far too early for a gentleman of leisure like myself to be up and about. When I found Botter, I would have to dock his pay for this insolence. Also, his legs.
I made my way down to the servant’s quarters, where my nostrils were assailed by a stench so wretched that it left me in no doubt that Botter was nearby. I steadied myself in preparation of further olfactory assault, and then threw the door open.
I found my miscreant of a man-servant sat on a stool, reading and laughing, emitting long, horse guffaws from his awful pie-hole.
“BOTTER!” I yelled, causing the wretch to fall backwards off of his chair. “What in the name of Dutch cockery is going on here?”
“I…I was reading, milord,” the cad replied, picking himself up off the ground.
“Reading? You? I had always assumed that all you commoners did was to point gleefully at colours and shapes. What on earth could you be reading?”
Botter meekly passed across his reading material of choice. I looked at the cover with an arched eyebrow, and a knowing moustache. Suddenly, it all made sense.
He was reading one of those new-fangled ‘comic books’ I had heard about, those gaudily-coloured rags wherein the illustrations outweigh the words by a considerable margin, and as such are favoured by those less highly and expensively educated than me.
But worse still was yet to come, for this was not just a comic, but a comic centred around the exploits of one of my most hated enemies, that pith-helmeted pranny, Professor Elemental.
“Good lord, Botter,” I exclaimed. “Have you taken leave of what precious little sense you had left? Why on earth would you be enjoying this garbage spewed forth from that idiot Elemental?”
“He…he gave me a copy, milord,” Botter stammered. “He was hoping that I might give him some feedback…”
“Feedback, eh?” I said, rolling the comic up until it made for a suitable makeshift baton. “Well, here is something that you can tell him…his comic makes for a most excellent bludgeon!”
And with that, I administered a few short, sharp blows to Botter’s bonce, stopping only when I had decided that he had been suitably admonished for the heinous neglect of his master.
“Let that be a lesson to you, Botter,” I said. “You simply cannot leave me upstairs unattended, tugging away furiously.”
“I thought that was when you preferred to be left unattended, milord,” the cove replied, at which point I twatted him around the head one more time, sending him careering backwards, whereupon he stumbled over his stool, got his feet tangled up in the chair’s legs, and then fell flat on his face.
“Now let THAT be a lesson to you, Botter, seeing as how the previous lesson seemed to go unlearnt.”
“Yes, milord,” Botter groaned, as he sat up to tend to his recently-bloodied nose.
“Oh, Botter, don’t go bleeding all over my floors, you ingrate,” I said, as I tore a couple of strips of paper from the comic and scrunched them up. “Here, put these up your nose to stem the bleeding.”
“Dank do, dilord,” Botter replied as he shoved the paper into his awful nostrils.
“Not at all. Then, once you’re quite finished spurting blood all over the ruddy place, you can use the rest of this pitiful periodical to soak up the mess,” I said, hurling the remnants of the comic at my man-servant. “It shall have some use, after all.”
So, in review, dear readers, I thoroughly recommend issue two of ‘Professor Elemental Comics’. It makes for a most excellent impromptu weapon, passes as a serviceable first-aid kit, and its absorbent pages are ideal for mopping up any spillages about the home. Go forth and procure one from the Professor’s webbed-site FORTHWITH! Just do not let me hear that you enjoyed the gaudily-coloured antics of that amateur adventurer…
– Lord Likely.