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  • The Crest of Lord Likely

    11 July 2014

    Ten Victorian Insults To Make Your Enemies Crumble

    When you’re as rich, good-looking and fantastically well-endowed as I, one soon makes many enemies out of those less fortunate contemporaries who view one’s splendour with bitter, jealous eyes.

    Usually, these bounders can be dispatched with a swift knee to the groin, or a firm left-hook to the jaw, but sometimes more diplomatic means are required. In these instances (such as at a dinner-party, or at a Bar-Mitzvah, or at a wake) I prefer to rely on my copious wits, and strike down my enemies with a pointed quip aimed squarely at their very essence.

    Being a benevolent sort, here is a list of some genuine Victorian barbs which you too can utilise in a similar manner.

    1. Fly Rink.

    A term used to describe someone with a bald pate. “You may well be the Chief Justice, your honour, but at least I still have my own hair as opposed to having to sport a wig to cover up my fly rink.”

    2. Dirty Puzzle.

    A promiscuous woman, a slattern. “I am not saying that Lady Derbyshire is of dubious morals, but the word is she is quite the dirty puzzle.”

    3. Mutton Shunter.

    A derogatory term for a police-man. “Since when did exposing one’s self become an offence? Surely I am performing a public service! Unhand me at once, you filthy mutton shunter!”

    4. Windy-Wallets.

    Someone who talks far too much. “I only attended this service because I was told that there would be free wine. I had no idea that the bishop would be such a windy-wallets.”

    5. Coffee sisters.

    Gossipers. “I’d pay no heed to the scurrilous rumours from your wife and her sister, sir. Both are nothing but a pair of coffee sisters.”

    6. Harlequin Jack.

    A fellow who shows off in both mannerisms and dress. “Look at him, with those ridiculous robes and that big, pointy hat! He’s a veritable Harlequin Jack, is the Pope.”

    7. Prize Faggots.

    A fine pair of breasts, named after the popular meat dish. “Your wife has a face like a disappointed sturgeon, however she does have a fine pair of prize faggots.”

    8. Drunk As A Boiled Owl.

    Describes someone who is absurdly drunk. “You’re making absolutely no sense, you blaggard. Either you are an absolute idiot, or you are as a drunk as a boiled owl.”

    9. Parish Pick-Axe.

    A prominent nose. “I wouldn’t say your nose is big. It just resembles a parish pick-axe.”

    10. Throttled Shrimp.

    Limp and flaccid. “You sir, have genitals like a throttled shrimp.”

    Enjoy, and remember – please do use (ir)responsibly.

    – Lord Likely.

     

    Source: ‘Passing English of the Victorian Era, a Dictionary of Heterodox English Slang and Verse‘ compiled by James Redding Ware. Except number ten, from ‘The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely’ by Lord Likely.

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    About His Lordship

    Lord Likely was a renowned member of the English aristocracy in the Victorian era. Tales of his exhilarating, enthralling and highly erotic exploits were legendary, but only now have his own, personal diaries resurfaced (found in a branch of Help the Aged in Swindon), shedding light on the life of this extraordinary eccentric.

    Warning: these journals contain material that some people may find terribly offensive, or incredibly arousing

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